Unlocking the Past - Looking at my life through time

in GEMS3 months ago (edited)

During the winter, most of us spend our free time indoors, especially now that the temperatures have dropped below 0ºC. This gives me the opportunity to clean my apartment calmly. Lately, I've been gearing up to tidy and arrange my book corner, along with my diaries and the drafts of books I began writing a few years ago. I've lost track of how many ideas I had and what I penned down. It's hard to believe I wrote certain things; my imagination seems boundless. Reading my diaries caught me off guard. Who was I all those years ago? What was going on in my mind during that period? As I read, my past unfolded before my eyes. Was I really that confused? I realize I knew how to think and set goals, but I struggled to find the right path or muster the courage. On paper, I documented everything, but in reality, I was lost. My records from the past show too much variation, and my thoughts were full of discrepancies. It's truly embarrassing to revisit my notes.

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I'm ready to share a letter from my past. I genuinely hope you won't misinterpret my words and will understand that my past was tumultuous. I was always seeking compensation to escape my problems. However, this is not who I am anymore. I've learned a lot from those experiences. Without them, I wouldn't be where I am today, and my personality would be different.

Journal entry: 25.05.2011

Who am I? Who are you? A question I've been asking myself for a couple of years, but I still haven't found an answer. Otherwise, to achieve this, you have to do something. But what? I can't find joy in anything right now. Alcohol? I can't find a way out. No door is right. The ones that seem right to me are locked. Where and how...Just questions. But I can't find the answers. I am lost in my thoughts, trapped in a body that hurts. How do I get over this? I'm still in this alone and I have to discover my goal on my own. I need to balance myself. Start talking openly with myself. If I lie to myself, why not to others? I'm sinking deeper... But, I always see a light somewhere in the distance, always did... except I've never caught it. What I'm waiting for, I actually don't know myself yet. But I'm not going to get ANYWHERE like that. I wander and wander. Again, I'm looking for a hand to pull me to the surface, only this time I don't want it so badly. I want to swim out on my own, I want to lay the foundations in life on my own. But the road is long. I'm lost. Every fall is followed by a fresh start. Isn't time for my fresh start? Complaining will get me nowhere! Actions matter!

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But in the midst of all this, I found something that I really forgot about. My letter addressed to me when I am 30 years old and so that I can look back and remember what I used to go through and how things have changed. This letter was written 10 years ago and sealed with the words do not open until you’re 30. I'm 32, so it's really time to open up. My words from so long ago really surprised me, in fact I was quite surprised what emotions surrounded me 10 years ago. And what did I learn? In 10 years, I have really changed and I can say that I have grown up.

The first page of the letter describes my life and what was happening; I have already shared many things with you. The note at the end of the letter was the most important to me, and that's what I want to share with you.

(My English was really bad back then, and most of the time my writing was in my language. I translated it exactly as it was written, without embellishments or added words)

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A letter from the past...

Life is not a toy, and I know you've learned that. Time doesn't stop, you can't shut down and then restart it, but you can only learn from mistakes, and gain experiences that make you the kind of person you want to be. I know you're already halfway there. Don't look at the past, you learned what was necessary and probably also paid a high tax for all the mistakes you made. Remember, if you're not happy with the small, you don't deserve the big!

p.s. I hope you are already married and living on your own 😊

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Yes yes yes. I am married and living on my own, and still going on! 🙂

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After reading through my diary pages from 4-5 years ago, I can confidently say that my ideas haven't changed much, except for the ones I had forgotten contemplating long ago. I was clear about what I wanted to do, but the where and how eluded me. It wasn't until I stumbled upon the Hive platform that I realized I could finally share a piece of myself through written words. My intention here isn't to write about things that don't interest me; rather, I aim to pour my heart into my writing with genuine joy. This is why my posts aren't constant – I only write about topics that truly captivate me. This platform serves as a kind of journal for me, but the excitement I feel when someone reads and appreciates it is unparalleled.

Then, last year, I went through a tough time and found myself with ample time for reflection. I've always known what I love – reading, writing, and history – but I struggled to meld these passions into something meaningful. That's when the idea struck me. I believe I've finally gathered enough courage to share this with you all, breaking the pattern of everything remaining confined to paper. I used to be hesitant to share my articles, thinking they weren't good enough. It's time to accept that we can't please everyone, and people have diverse interests. Currently, my priority is to do what I love and experience satisfaction when I finally hit the POST button. Let's see how I fare with my new project. I can't wait!

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“Your journal will stand as a chronicle of your growth, your hopes, your fears, your dreams, your ambitions, your sorrows, your serendipities.” — Kathleen Adams

With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️