I’m sitting on the balcony, catching the last rays of the sun this year. Today is one week since my health turned upside down again. In fact, about a month earlier, I started noticing that my intestines it’s not in the best condition, but I didn't look at the signs or I didn't want to admit ii, that something is happening again. After 10 years of battling with this disease, I simply don’t have the strength anymore. The problem is to know exactly what awaits me when my illness becomes active, but since I don't want to admit that this itself won't go into remission, I push everything to the sidelines and prefer to deal with other things. I am currently employed at a nursing home where we have aggressive alcoholics and I never imagined that mental and physical work with such people would destroy me. I really thought I was a strong person, and that I would be able to deal with people who are alcoholics, but I was very, very wrong. My past would unfortunately be resolved and so all of this just makes me more ruined. You all somehow know how to imagine what it means to live with an alcoholic, or at least the external image. No one knows exactly what is going on in the background. Unfortunately, it’s hard to talk about this especially to people who are close to me and know my family. I never wanted to throw a bad light on my grandmother, so I preferred not to talk about it and shy away from any question about her.
It has now been 17 years since then. I can’t believe for myself what a long time this is. So, I was convinced that I could do such a job, that I could work with alcoholics and talk to them and try to calm them down when they are in the most delirious phase. I couldn't be more wrong. Although otherwise it is not physically strenuous, and I really only do what is appropriate for my profession, I would never have thought that I would be so mentally devastated.
So how do you deal with and manage an 80-year-old gentleman who is demented, alcoholic, and aggressive? Whatever you say falls on deaf ears. You try to explain to him that he has already drunk a certain daily amount, but he gets only angrier and screams. You ask him to calm down because he is next to 40 other patients but it does not work. And if we are women workers, which has been very common lately, because there are simply no workers and fewer men, it is all more stressful. How to calm the gentlemen? How to give him pills and get him to fall asleep? He physically assaulted our boss 3 weeks ago. They called the police, took him to a psychiatric clinic but he returned in 3 days with an order from the doctor that he should no longer drink 2 liters of vodka a day but 2 liters of wine.
But the aggression remains.
And relatives are also interesting. The lady drinks at least 2 liters of wine a day and towards the end of the day lies on the floor, we can say that almost unconscious. We have to take care of that, I have to be afraid that the woman will go to the toilet and fall because she didn't ring the bell. Unfortunately, I can’t take care of 40 patients at once so we depend on it when they ring the bell. The woman is in the hospital at least once a month for injuries sustained from falls. We asked the family not to bring her any more alcohol, but they were so angry at us, saying that they were paying for it and that their mother could do whatever she wanted. Yes, it is clear to us, but it endangers her life. 3 days after she came out of the hospital because she fell on her arm and injured herself, her son came and they drank 3 liters of wine together. I picked up empty bottles so I’m not mistaken. The lady fell asleep with her head on a plate at the end of the day during dinner in the dining room. We couldn't move her. After 10 minutes we called another house to send a man to move the lady to bed. And yes, only women again.
I must say that this is the only home where, unfortunately, it is not possible for only a women's team to work. Nowhere else was this somehow a problem. Here, however, you are dealing with patient aggression, for which we have no education. And so all of a sudden it was all too much for me. Why am I in this profession? Why do I insist? It was not like that at first. In the beginning, I enjoyed this profession. I did the work with my heart and was so happy when I heard the word thank you from the lady for bringing her glasses, which were on the nightstand but she didn’t see them. At first, she apologized for 5 minutes because she needed to even call me for such a small thing, then she thanked me from the bottom of her heart, and gave me candy.
And then the call came. Just like that. The company where I previously worked, fired all the bosses and they replaced the entire top position. The old workers, on the other hand, went to the new boss and asked her to call all of us who had left the company due to a misunderstanding with the former bosses and invite us back. I was really surprised, somehow I wasn’t waiting for that now. This is the home where I started my career in healthcare, all the workers I have worked with from day one have always been here and alcoholics are NOT accepted here. After a week of reflection, I picked up the phone and called and asked how and what. The workers are needed right away and that she has heard a lot about me, and that she wants me to join the old team. Although I am separated because I left this company for a reason, now the atmosphere is somehow different. I said I would call her in a week and tell her my decision. Somehow I had no orderly thoughts of what to do. I mentioned to my colleagues that I would like to leave the company, but they somehow managed to convince me not to do it because physically the work here is not strenuous and that we have a good time working together. That somehow convinced me. I really don't work a lot physically, with certain co-workers we make sure that the work goes smoothly and that we are comfortable and my husband is at this company, that is also a factor. So I somehow decided not to change jobs and stay here.
And then came Friday. After 3 hours of arguing with the gentleman because I couldn't tell him that he had already eaten 3 buns for breakfast and that he is not allowed to eat more, because he had diabetes and would have lunch soon, and when he aggressively broke out and told me I was a bitch, a cow and more, I just tried to ignore it. But then the next gentleman came and asked for a fourth glass of wine, even though he is allowed to have only two a day, and I poured him one more anyway so that we wouldn't have any problems, I was a bitch, and many other things, I will rather not mention what terms the gentleman used. After lunch, our patient, who sleeps all morning in the dining room in a sitting position, becomes active. ACTIVE. She takes glasses from other patients and drinks from them, she takes food from other people's hands and runs away, takes the patient who is in the wheelchair, and starts bumping her into the wall. Yeah, you read that right. The patient in the wheelchair is screaming in pain but nothing, she doesn't react. When you get there and I ask her to let go of the wheelchair, she will start screaming like crazy. I asked her to stop because the patient was in pain, but still nothing. I had to take her hand to pull the wheelchair away from her, and she hit me in the face with all her might. And not once but a couple of times. And this was a drop over the edge.
So, I quit.
I’m currently at this point in my life when I can’t submit to other people and deal with them that way. There are a huge number of nursing homes where workers are needed and working conditions are at least a little more normal, or at least patients and that already means something.
At this firm, I realized that I still have unresolved issues due to my grandmother and alcoholism and that now is not the time to deal with it on my own. I think a stone fell from my heart. I felt liberated. When I got home I lay down on the couch and I think I fell asleep in an instant. The next day? Fever, vomiting, diarrhea. My Crohn's disease is active again. 1 month at this firm and my health has deteriorated so much? However, it is clear to me that I cant work for this firm anymore. There was no planned sick leave, I would rather work this month until my contract is terminated, than spend time on the toilet but it looks like this needed to have happened. I suffer, I despair, I scream, I cry in pain, but one revelation came to me. A revelation, that will turn my life upside down, but this time in a positive way. Exactly what, am revealing some other time.
“Pain is a great motivator.” - Naval Ravikant
Till next time 🦄
With love, @tinabrezpike ❤️
