Like a cat that you have to take good care of I mean, not a Diablo-complex Diablo-worshipping human being. I know I'm not around here that much and I feel like I'm a bit losing my passion to blog and share my diabolic thoughts and confusion. But you know, I'm still here. Always. I'm just gathering my thoughts and finding the right words to say.
I've been trying to apply this personal value of "treating myself like my cat" as I find it very hard to take care of myself lately. I know that's absurd for some or at least for the people where I am, where self-care is still a bit unknown. For most, it's like being selfish and narcissist. These people would tell me, how is it even difficult to take care of yourself anyway it's just you! You don't have a husband, kids, your cat is independent, you have a nice apartment in the city, a job, a bit of money and all, you have everything in life. Now what?
We all have different issues and needs in life. And just because we're going through some different level of hardships doesn't make someone else's pain invalid. I know I don't have to explain myself to this community, most will understand. And lately as I immersed myself in books to cope with all this pain, something hit me, I should be treating myself like my cat. Like someone I have to feed at least once a day, someone who needs to sleep (like a lot), someone who needs to play and someone who needs to be left alone most of the time. Because why not? Let's get to the very basic stuff first things first.
Holidays drained me big time. Remember my posts about me moving to the city so I can connect with people? Well, it turns out, the whole socializing attempts totally drained me. I fear rejection. I fear things will get sour. When people start to express their interests to be friends with me or are becoming too close to me, I bail. When I see something off-putting about these people, I retreat. In hopes of not being rejected, I reject people. Just like what I did to other people who wanted to connect with me back on the island. Just like what I did to most of my friends on social media and in real life. I'm totally gone. I disappeared. Gawd I feel hopeless, at least in this aspect of my life only. I think this is what prolonged isolation did to me. It totally altered my behavior like my Diablo who is so wild and avoids people. This is who I am now. Someone I got to accept and love anyway.
I realized that my social battery has become so low. I cannot even imagine traveling like I used to or moving to another place or country anymore. Because as you all know, wherever you are, there you are. I will still be isolated and avoidant AF. I cannot escape myself. I have to have life alone.
Now that I know how I am, I got to take things one day at a time. I won't force myself into social situations or force myself to make new friends. If there are opportunities, I can go but I will try my best to lower my expectations however difficult that may be. Because I expect a lot. And I don't want to be ghosted which is funny because I've ghosted more than I've ever been ghosted. To be honest, I want to be better so bad. It feels like I've been sleeping for a long time and I woke up not knowing where I am. I don't know what happened. My experiences? My trauma? I want my old life back. Or maybe not.
Because maybe, just maybe, this is who I am now. Things are changing and it is not wise not to follow the order of nature. All I got to do at this point is to continue living and not lose that "invincible summer " in me. Lately tho I've been trying to reconnect with my sister as we're not really close due to years of not being in the country and my city. But slowly we're getting there. It takes time. She has been experiencing some problems and have been sacrificing herself for the sake of a relative. I have to be strong for her. I have to teach her this unknown thing called "Self-Care" so she can save herself. I don't have a choice but to take care of myself too so I wouldn't be a burden to those I love. I figured that I need to devote whatever's left of my energy to her instead. Self-care in a way is an act of unselfishness. Someone has to stay alive so someone else won't falter.
If some of you feel like it is such a drain to get up, go out there and mingle with other earthlings, then you are not alone. I feel your pain. For me, so much energy is needed for all these things it is so overwhelming that I got to allot it only for what's more important in life. And if you feel like you're drowning too, just remember to treat yourself like a cat, that you oh so dearly love and have to take good care of. One diabolic meow at a time.
Sometimes we have to be selfish to survive or to regroup. Take time to care for yourself. You're the most important person. <3
To be alone is not a finality in life. Whether to have friends or not, you can survive. It is only a question of balance for your own happiness during the time you are here in this timeframe.
What is a cat?
What is a rat?
What is a tree?
i think they're all me.
To be alone,
Is to be all One,
To do no thing,
To hear angels sing.
I totally understand the fases you are going through. Things will not get better if you are pushing or wanting things to change too much. It hurts when others blame your pain to your own actions. It's not that simple. We are living a lonely single life, taking care of all the bullshit by ourselves. No one to rely on. We like to compare ourselves with a cat (or in my case my van), because that's the only partner in life spending time together with every day. Just try to go with the flow for a while, don't ask too much from yourself. And no matter how bad life feels sometimes, we are still here and seem to handle the pain. Don't forget the world is getting crazier by the day, we just trying to live or own happy life...although it seems far away sometimes. Don't waste your precious energy on things you don't like. Just purr, eat, find your warm shelter, relax and think of being cuttled the way you want to.
Aww I appreciate your kindness. I love that someone here understands what I'm going through. You are right, I'm demanding myself to change too much... Then I get consumed by it all and I withdraw totally. I need to take it slow.
Thank you so much. These words are what I need for today. 🙏☺️
Good words/talks are important on days like these. Especially when people understand eachother's emotions. Good talks should be just as basic as sleeping and eating.