Learning Forward Without Proof

I look closely at my effort, and feel the quiet sting of realizing how much of what I believed was comfort in disguise, and how often I avoid what would truly challenge me,
I look closely at my effort, I notice how quickly my confidence collapses at the moment when the outcome does not match the picture I carried in my head,
I look closely at my effort, I confess that I still want my work to prove something about me even while I know that need is the very thing that distorts what I create,
I look closely at my effort, am I pulling away because I feel exposed or because I am tired of trying,
I look closely at my effort, I stay long enough to feel the discomfort without escaping it…

I confront my limitations, and I recognize the quiet pattern of stopping just before things begin to demand something real from me,
I confront my limitations, and I see how I confuse hesitation with thoughtfulness when it is really just fear dressed politely,
I confront my limitations, and I admit I want progress without the part where I have to look inexperienced in front of myself,
I confront my limitations, am I pausing because I need rest or because I don’t want to be seen trying,
I confront my limitations, and I stay in the attempt without softening the real truth…

I stay after the excitement, in the quieter phase where the work no longer flatters me and begins to ask for patience instead,
I stay after the excitement, and I feel how different this stage is from the beginning where everything felt easy and full of promise,
I stay after the excitement, and I admit this is usually where I lose interest because the work starts to require more from me than it gives,
I stay after the excitement, am I leaving because it’s no longer exciting or because the dozen mistakes are finally real,
I stay after the excitement, and I continue even without the earlier energy…

I step away slowly, carrying both the effort and the doubt instead of choosing one to define the whole experience,
I step away slowly, and I notice how the urge to judge it immediately is really just my discomfort asking for closure,
I step away slowly, and I admit I don’t fully trust what I’ve made yet but I also can’t deny that I made something,
I step away slowly, am I looking for a verdict or am I allowing time to reveal what this is,
I step away slowly, and I let the work breathe without me all over again…

Watchwords:
I stay long enough without escaping
confidence collapses when picture breaks
I still want my work to prove
I feel the discomfort without escaping
I struggle not to abandon effort

Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, “Who am I?”..

As and will always be reminding you to dream:
“As you are still the Master of your destiny and the maker of your dreams…”

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