I've been married for 26 years now
I've been married for a long time now and after a while it seems like I can read my wife's mind. Unfortunately sometimes my telepathy doesn't work. About a week ago I'm in bed with my wife and she says "I think I need to take some medication for my cough". Now I was still sleep and I totally missed what she was trying to say. About half an hour later she is mad at me and I have no idea why. Then she tells me "You haven't made my coffee yet"
and I'm still confused.
"You didn't ask me to make coffee"
she replies...
"I need my medication and I can't take it without something to drink and you didn't get me water or coffee."
after a short pause I get
"You don't consider my needs and care about me at all"
I just shake my head, get up and start making coffee. Then give her the coffee and ask which cold medication she wants and bring them to her.
I chuckle because that's just the way my wife is. She gets mad easily and it passes soon enough. In addition she often doesn't filter what she is thinking.
That little filter
Now that little filter can be important. One time I'm walking through the park with my wife. There are many people who enjoy jogging through the park. It's a beautiful jogging path so its not at all unusual. At this particular time I see a woman jogging through the park. This woman was hmm.... Well Endowed... and she was kind of bouncing up and down on top. As a man I know the correct response. Look away, don't stare, don't make things awkward. After all this woman is just trying to get some exercise and doesn't need some random man staring at her chest.
Now that image came from Dall-e. Now imagine if things were... even more noticeable. Guys, you know what I mean — and ladies, let’s just say sports bras exist for good reason.. So you know my thoughts.... But....
Then as the woman is passing by I hear my wife saying "Boingy, boingy, boingy". I was horrified. I mean as a man you always notice (even if you try not to) but you certainly don't comment with audio effects as someone jogs by. Sure it was really obvious....but commenting? I was kind of horrified because some things are best left unsaid.
Which makes me think of a saying I heard when I was in Grade 7. I was told when you see a person you can see two ears but only one mouth. That is because listening is far more important than speaking. Then my teacher told us we should only believe half of what we hear and all of what we say. That seemed like really good advice. In addition my Bible tells me to watch what comes out of my mouth as the tongue is evil and hard to control. Which brings another old adage: If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all. Another saying that I live by as it is so easy to speak hastily and cause hurt which is not easily undone. Better to control the tongue and not have to play cleanup or rebuild a hurt relationship.
But Hive Learners asked "What if your spouse could read your mind"?. Which immediately made me think... You can see two ears one mouth and NO brain. Thoughts are meant to be hidden for a reason.
Thoughts are hidden for a reason
Now if all my thoughts came out unfiltered? That would be a disaster! The one time my wife went "Boingy Boingy Boingy" was bad enough but what if every thought came out. Sure I was thinking about how the woman's chest was bouncy plus a bunch of other things. However, no-one needs to hear what I'm thinking. In fact many thoughts that come to my head are immediately dismissed as inappropriate, bad, or otherwise unfit for relaying to other people. In fact I'd say that when I'm tired, grumpy, upset or otherwise in a bad mood many of my thoughts I'd rather not hear myself and fighting them is a full time job for my brain.
If my wife could read my thoughts?
She would divorce me in no time
Well, unless she was kind enough to listen until the end of my internal monologue.
I love my wife. I love my family.
But sometimes I don't like my wife very much. Sometimes I think mean things. Sometimes I follow dark thought paths.
Would I marry someone who could follow that? Nope.
Would I want to be around someone who could hear my unfiltered thoughts? Nope. Run away.
Trying to be around someone like that would mean being on constant guard for every thought at every time. It would be exhausting and honestly it would make me a lesser person. I follow down different thought processes to their logical conclusion to determine if they are a good or bad idea all the time.
If I see a gorgeous woman? Sure I'll admire the beauty, then think about What-If's, then after a fairly short mental discussion in my brain come to the conclusion that they are really pretty and that any action is utterly futile so just get back to my everyday life without any more thoughts.
However, if my wife heard every little thing like that? There is no way she wouldn't feel slighted or offended.
In my defense when we got married I told her honestly. I'm a man and I doubt I'll ever stop looking or stop admiring beautiful women. But once married no more chasing any of them. She seemed ok with that then and probably ok with that now. However, there is no way I would ever want to announce that in any way. It just isn't fair to her.
Filters are important
As an analogy I'm going to look at water.
Only a very foolish person would take raw water from an unknown source and drink it without pretty heavy filtration. Being in the Philippines, then Indonesia, then Malaysia that is very very apparent to me. There are a lot of things that grow in the water that can make people very sick or even die. Filtering it to get rid of the filth, bacteria, viruses, and other impurities is very important for both the individual and for society. Guess what, human thoughts are very much like water that comes from a raw source. Often infected with things that could make themselves or others sick. Having an internal filter to clean those thoughts before it is sent out for consumption is oh so important
At the end of the day I'm very glad I don't get to hear people's thoughts and very glad that they don't get to hear mine. The world is already divided enough by people who speak divisive words or lash out with unfiltered thoughts. However, for those who filter their words and speak kindly to others that leads to harmony. If everyone's thoughts were unfiltered? Ugh. That little filter is so important and I wish more people had it. To listen to everything unfiltered? That would be disaster.
Do I know my wife well? Absolutely. Can I often tell what she is thinking a lot of the time. Absolutely. Does she get mad at me for things that I never said? Yes, sometimes. Do I think its unfair of her to get mad at me for things I never said, never said, never even hinted at? Yes. But I'm glad I'll never fully be able to read my wife and she will never fully be able to read me. I may think I know what she is thinking but I'll never KNOW for certain and that makes all the difference.
That's my take on the Hive Learners post and feel free to agree, disagree, or otherwise leave a comment. Love comments. But most of all thanks for taking the time to read the article, hope you got a smile.
I hear you. I partially agree, although part of me thinks, why hide? Why are we so afraid to be ourselves? Why are we so afraid to be authentic? In practice, I understand the problems involved. But part of me thinks we should always try to be sincere.
The philosopher Marcus Aurelius once said that you should always think in such a way that if someone asks you the question, what are you thinking about? You can tell him exactly, I am thinking about this or that... not only with one's partner but in general.
It can cause a lot of problems, but in the end, maybe we should be more comfortable being ourselves.
But that's just my thoughts. And I understand you too.
Cheers!
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Thanks!
Actually I understand your position very well also.
As a Christian I believe I'll be judged on my words, deeds, and even my thoughts. So, I actively try to steer those thoughts to ones that I would not be ashamed of even if they were found out.
However, I'm also acutely aware of how often "bad" thoughts come up. When I see a beautiful woman in a park was just an easy example. However, after a day at work when I feel beat up and defeated I wouldn't want my wife to hear how bad I feel. When the kids do something incredibly stupid I wouldn't want my wife to hear how condescending my thoughts were. When I see her and see something sagging or bloated I'm certain she wouldn't want to hear my thoughts. Or when I get the poke at 3am in bed when in 90% asleep and I'm asked to check out a "strange noise" she thinks she heard.... Well, my response is "Of course I'll check it out" my thoughts.... wouldn't make her happy.
Most of the time if she was listening to my thoughts she would just annoyed that I just don't shut up and I keep looking at a problem in different ways over an over and over. But its those quick intrusive thoughts I would not want her to hear.
And yeah, I do strive to keep my thoughts in order so that if anyone DID hear them, mostly they would think I'm a decent, albeit odd, guy :)
Thanks for the response,
Appreciate it.