We always said we'd go everywhere together.
We wanted to leave our footprints upon the sand of secluded beaches and our eyes to gaze upon isolated vistas, our hearts to meld even while our fingers entwined as we sought adventures together. Feeling like the only people in the world felt right to us. I loved those thoughts and talking excitedly about our future; I felt alive, engaged with you and life and I knew home would be wherever you were.
But you're there and I'm here. Duty called and I responded.
Day one hundred and three - Seventy seven days before the end of deployment.
I'm writing this letter sitting in the sand, but not the sand of that beach we said we'd find and the footprints I leave are the prints of my boots, soon blown away, lost in the chaos.
I look around as I write and see sandbags, equipment and scattered items; detritus left by men at war. There's no blue-green ocean, golden sand or vistas reaching the horizon; it's drab, almost featureless and vision is filtered through binoculars, night vision goggles and my rifle scope. There's no sea birds calling, just the crackling of a radio, gun fire, explosions, shouts and screams of urgency or pain. There's no rhythmic ocean waves or warming breeze, instead it's the rhythmic sounds of men cleaning rifles and blowing sand from actions the exhaled breath coming from fatigued bodies, empty husks where, in another time and place, vibrant men resided.
There's no you, my eyes can't see you.
I feel trapped within an hourglass, grains of sand move time and I know you moves with it in the distant place where life goes on but it stands still for me, time and life...I feel stuck in place, like everything moves around me.
That's not entirely true though, that there is no you. You're with me, in my heart and thoughts, a distraction, a rally-point, castle walls behind which to shelter...and because of you I'm only partially here.
Most of me is with you, I know I say that in every letter but it's true.
I look at my hands that once held yours and you're with me. I hear my voice and recall the words I spoke to you, I hold onto you as if my life depends on it. At times I push you from my mind; I have to forget you, and it's the hardest thing. Hands that once held yours do terrible things, my voice commands others to act, their lives depend on it, as does mine.
It's said, war is hell, it's true...like those times I lock you away where my conscious thought cannot find you. It feels wrong, but I have to. It makes me feel...dispassionate, devoid of human thought, and only then can I do my job; it's the only way I'm able to function in those moments. I don't feel human, I feel anything at all, but it's the only way I can function as a soldier must.
I fear my ability to shut off like that though, wonder if it will change me forever if it will follow me home. I fear how you may see me if it does, I wonder if you will ever see me in the same way you did before I came here and did these things. I fear I'll be a stranger and one you care not to know. But through that fear and darkness is you, your light.
Most of me is with you, I know I say that in every letter but it's true.
Later, after action...it's difficult to describe, it's like you unfold deep within my body and mind, like you reanimate and bring me to life.
As I shed the accoutrements of war, peeling back the layers from my body hoping they take with them the horrors of battle, feeling comes back, conscious thoughts of life and love with you, an awareness that I am human despite what I've done. It's not a feeling of longing to be with you, it's a feeling of wanting to live again and that life comes through you and with you. I'm sorry, I'm not saying it well. You bring me back from dark places and into the light and I promise myself I'll stay there, that I'll fight hard for the rest of my life to be the man you once knew.
We always said we'd go everywhere together but I'm here without you although...most of me is with you; the better parts of me. I hope you'll still see them when I come home.
I fear I'll lose those parts of me and you in the process...I'm different...what I do here is...I can't say, I don't want you to know; I fear you'll see me differently. I was a fool to think I could do this and come home the same...maybe I'm a fool to hope you'll look at me the same too.
I don't know where I'll be when you read this, our mail is slow in and out, but I hope you understand what I'm saying and forgive me for who I've become when the time comes.
I can't do this without you, I never could. Thoughts of you bring me back from those cold and emotionless places in which I reside before and during action, you're an ember glowing somewhere deep within me that sparks into a rising flame and brings life once more. Do you understand? My life doesn't work without you and I'm not living here.
I have to go now. I'll post this letter when I can, tomorrow or the next day...just remember, most of me is with you.
[Fiction]
but my arms aren't long enough
and I am running to you
if I could go a little faster
and I am crying to you
but I can't hear my own voice
and I am waiting for you
and trying not to fall asleep now
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
[All original and AI free]
The image is my own - Queensland, Australia.
Damn. Sam. That is some powerful writing. Really, really well done.
First the disclaimer: Just because I can't (or won't) write doesn't mean I don't read and enjoy good writing. Just sayin'
The absolute first thing I thought of was Warren Zevon's last song. Keep Me In Your Heart for Awhile. That, of course, is about dying, his dying, and yours is so much about living and being alive.
Makes me wonder. Is a front line deployment like practice dying? Do you have to carry that with you at all times and places? Is this how you manage that inner conflict?
Jeeze. I really didn't mean to go all heavy on this, I really just wanted to thank you for a terrific piece of writing.
Thank you.
Hi Tom, thanks for your comments, I appreciate it. There's a lot to unpack in this one I guess and some will see more in it than others, clearly you do.
If you ask any soldier who has seen combat you'll get different responses to how it's handled when in-country, we're all different humans I guess. Some make going home the motivation and some work on the premise they're already dead and there's everything in between I guess. Whatever works for the individual over and above the training that comes along...sometimes good and less good. It's a complex thing I guess, like humans.
I'm glad you liked this one; I left a lot of thoughts and words out, but put a lot in there too, so am pleased to hear it read well.
what an inspiration, how many obstile situations a veteran has to face, in the course of this letter it is the love for the other person that keeps him aware and still human of the things he has done during the deployment, because as a creed of the Commandos says of the Navy of my country, I quote
love is like the phoenix that is reborn from the ashes, thanks for sharing this inspiration letter appreciated @galenkp
The mission...yes indeed, and to achieve mission-success those embarking upon it have to do their jobs, something that can't really be done without focus. Unfortunately to attain that it often requires the ability to compartmentalise, or even operate on the premise that they're already dead. You know what I'm saying? The mission changes though, and a new one starts at home and that takes focus too. Unfortunately many are not as good at that mission as they have been at others.
I'm glad you had a read and liked some of the words I shared today.
Yes I understand what you are telling me in that premise! which means that if at any time during the mission due to any circumstance the life of a special element is required, it will be given without thinking twice.
Standing ovations Galenkp.
You have succeeded in conveying the whole conflict situation a soldier can go through. From shedding his humanity, to trying to regain it later, putting in his thoughts that vibrant color of love, which awaits him only in memory. Because for sure, the return is not guaranteed and even returning, with so many traumas... it is difficult to live together as we used to live together.
That phrase repeated by the soldier is what makes me saddest. It is as if he were doing it for himself, because he himself is not even sure of what he feels, I think he doesn't even feel alive.
And I really liked how you counterposed everything that means the sea, the beach transmuted now into boredom, in all those possible scenarios of war or the preparation for it... it's quite good this letter.
😶 Congratulations!
I'm glad this came through, as that's exactly what I wanted to convey; that he was trying to convince himself that the whole experience was something apart from who he really is. Many soldiers return feeling unworthy of life due to their service and it causes them to make bad decisions which, of course, reflects on how their lives unfold from that point.
Thanks for taking a read and yeah, for your comment too. Quite good...Lol, you're a nutbag. 😁
Of course, always 🤣
All the good ones are.
🤠 I don't know how to handle so many compliments
Accept them and pass them on to others who deserve them.
A love letter to any loved one far from the trenches. It has touched me very deeply...
I can imagine my father and my uncles writing that letter when they were in the African wars in which Cuba participated.
I have been able to feel what they felt at some point and maybe they didn't write it, I don't know, my grandmother kept the letters very well. I would like to read them and see what dreams and promises they had, their longings and hopes.
For now I will take your letter as an example of what they may have felt. That's what literature is for!!!
It's probably quite difficult to understand how others feel without having experienced the same things and even then, we all feel and relate to things differently. I have experienced the exact same things as others, and they me, and we've all come away with different interpretations, thoughts, feelings and emotions...I'm sure you understand and have probably been in the same situation as well.
I'm glad my writing has resonated with you in some fashion, I think it's a really nice thing to experience things through other people's words and it can open thoughts and feelings that lay dormant within us, bring perspective or even a bridge to people like your father and uncles in the past that they may not want to open up about personally.
I assume you mean the Angolan Civil War. It was a nasty little conflict which went on for far too long if my memory serves me right (25+ years) and I think Cuba had somewhere around 3,000-4,000 KIA (killed in action), of more than 300,000 deployed. Nasty business indeed.
Thanks for taking the time to read my words, I appreciate it.
Yes, they were fighting in Angola, in the Congo, in Zaire, in Mozambique and in Ethiopia. Many years of being away, of suffering every time they were not heard from. I remember the postcards that my father sent me, with beautiful women from tribes where he wrote to me about the culture of those people. They were beautiful half-naked women decorated with colored beads and smeared with cow dung. As a child, she believed that war was visiting tribes and dancing with them. Later, when I grew up, I learned of the horror....
Yeah, those places...nasty fighting indeed.
💚
What a moving writing here man, I can only imagine what people go through that are involved with war and how difficult it is to be apart from family. We can certainly say that the job they are doing is important, because it is in many ways however I think the importance is fading a bit. Gone are the wars of old, where it was more about stopping nasty people. These days it's artificially created wars to sell weapons and make money. We are a pretty fucked up species, aren't we? I guess you and I, and the average person certainly isn't but the people that try to rule over us, those are the fucked up ones.
Yeah man, for sure...not everyone, but in general yes.
I had something to say today, the words in this "fictional letter" are some of them and my intention was convey fear, not of battle, but of what comes next. Unfortunately wars will continue (in my opinion,) and as you say, they are not always about stopping tyranny, injustice and those who cause widespread human suffering. It's about land, power, money...greed. That's one of the most prevalent of human traits.
I know people like to have hope; hope that wars won't happen and that humans are getting better but I don't believe that, it's sad and sometimes depressing, but I'm pragmatic and there's no evidence that humans are improving in this way, not on a wholesale scale anyway.
Thanks for your comment on this. I know it's often difficult to find relevance and something to comment about in a post such as this, hell man, most don't read anything they comment on anyway...so I appreciate you having a look and making a comment. (A relevant one it was too.)
Yeah dude for sure. Dandays and I were just talking the other day about how some people are absolute horse shit with comment farming for votes. Dropping posts but not responding to their comments at all and then going to other peoples posts and leaving comments but largely irrelevant ones. It's wild shit!
I know these things are definitely challenging to comment on because of the nature of the topic. These days, war is often something on the mind of many people and not for the reasons of liberty but for greed and foolishness. I would like to hope that people can see through the facade where we America is hanging their citizens out to dry in Maui and Palestine Ohio. A significant number more people are seeing it than ever before, but will it be enough to stop the stupidity? Really difficult to say.. I despise contemporary war for what it is but know that we have to protect ourselves so we may be in these positions at some point in our lives.
I also look at it from the perspective, even though this one was fiction, the sheer monumental difficulties of the people who fought in WW2 and others. Physical and mental difficulties and how different the strength of those people are compared to today. It's mind boggling for sure.
Governments are all the same. Whoever is in power caves in to their greed and ego and the opposition denigrate them for it. When the opposition get voted in they do the same things and the party that was formerly in power denigrate them for it, for doing the same thing they, themselves, did. And the grunts take lives, give up their own, on the battlefield for both. Humankind really are disgusting little cretins.
Nothing like this can be entirely fiction mate, people live this on a daily basis, many people. The difficulties face are immense, life-changing (life-ending) things...the war ends, the fight does not.
There's some creepy fuckers out there in Hiveland for sure.
I saw the photo and thought about what I lived just today with my wife and daughters in front of the sea, I can share with you a photo of my day.
On another note, it is a letter from a man in love, that the only thought that keeps him alive, as I see it, is to think of her, as a great phrase in the letter says.
That thought keeps him sane, now it is a letter and at the end you say it is a fiction, but only at the end is that I realize that, however, in substance and form as described even seem that everything was real. That's what I think, as I already said.
It is a beautiful love letter.
Hey mate, I hope you're well; it seems you had a good time at the beach your family which is cool, nice work.
This fiction...I was going for a letter home from a soldier, just one of many he's sent and, with him getting towards the end of his deployment I thought to add in some of his fears about coming home and being perceived differently by the person whose thoughts and memories focused him during the deployment. The sad reality is that most soldiers, those who have seen combat, often leave much of themselves on the battlefield and that doesn't go well for them later in life.
Anyway, it's just a few of the words I had to say today I guess. I'm glad you liked it.
Wow! Galen the whole time I was thinking: let this not be anyone's true story.
I felt the madness and desperation in his words, his way of writing, repeating phrases and clinging to an idea that deep down he knows may not be real or possible upon his return, if he returns.
Whew! How strong.
Thank you, I'm glad some of the elements I was trying to convey came though. I hope you liked it and I appreciate you taking a read and commenting also.
Ah,
A soldier writing to his loved one. That's incredible fiction, mate. You nailed it.
Everyone finds rhythm in the surrounding when they get used to it. Same is the case with that soldier, he is calling it a rhythmic sound. For a normal man it might be scary but not for a soldier.
What if he isn't able to, what if he dies before posting it. Oh,
Well, you are the writer you might tell me that will he post it later or not?🙂
I wrote that part purposely in that fashion to leave it open to that letter being posted or not. I may write a diary note from the girls perspective and was thinking I'd write it under the premise that the soldier was killed in action and she only got the letter with his personal things much later.
I'm not sure I'll do that, however I left it open so I could if I wanted.
Oh okie.
That would be really interesting part if you did it.
A love letter but full of despair, not knowing if he will be accepted, because he is no longer the same man he was when he left.
The best version of him, stayed with her and that is the most beautiful thing, because when he needs to come back to life after the chaos and the terrible thing that war is, it is she who with a breath of memories, brings him back to life, but with the anguish of no longer being the same, nor if she will see him with the same eyes.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe and if both parties are able and willing and where there is understanding, life can be resumed even if it is no longer the same.
I love your writings, they are full of emotion and feeling. Thank you for that!✨
I wanted it to be more of a letter home and not a love letter, one that outlined how he was feeling, the doubt and fear about how he felt he'd changed, who he had become due to the experiences he'd had on his deployment. I guess I didn't convey that very well.
Oh well, maybe next time.
Writing is art and art is like that, the interpretations are multiple, I felt it as a love letter, but that depends on each person.
In abstract art not everyone sees the same thing.
It was and is excellent!
Note: It happens to me with my designs, they leave me comments that they see something I didn't want to do and that's ok, I like to see what people saw. You did super well!
Yes, something I'm quite understanding of, believe it or not.
That's great! I believe you!
This is powerful, moving and lovely.
Thank you.
Becca 🌷
Thank you in return, sometimes a few words can have deep meaning; I appreciate yours.
This is wonderful. I can feel a lot of emotion coming from it. It being fiction doesn't really take anything away from it. I think longing, and missing somebody really resonates with a lot of people. And love is something that everyone enjoys and cherishes.
Most fiction contains elements of reality and truth, especially if that fiction relates to humans and events that occur in their lives.
This is more about the struggle a soldier faces prior to, during and post combat and when their thoughts turn towards coming home although there is an element of the love he has left behind and how it props him up at times.
At first it seems like home is the only place that makes sense but after a time the environment in-theatre, and what's being done there, begins to feel more like home and most often when soldiers return back to their true home none of it makes any sense at all, and the people there don't respond well as they do not understand, despite thinking they do.
It's a complex situation that a lot of veterans face and the unfortunate part is that there's nothing at all fictional about it and the implications and ramifications. Going home often brings feelings of doubt and fear as the individual is different in themselves and generally always will be. The fight continues, is something spoken with respect and sorrow.
Anyway, what you read in this post is some words I had inside me and I decided to thrown down in some semblance of order with the hope they might make some sense. Thanks for commenting.
Thank you for the explanation. It really gives a lot of context and meaning to the post. I have heard and read about some of the issues that veterans face after coming back. Therapy sometimes help, but not always. PTSD is a very big deal.
It's difficult to read into my writing (when I write like this) so I'm happy to provide a little perspective. There's a lot in there but most won't see it.
You're right, PTSD is a big deal and I've lost many mates to it who have taken their own lives for the very reasons I mention in this post. Of course, PTSD isn't the sold domain of military veterans, it comes to many and for many reasons.
What a strong situation, love and duty, facing this personal battle in the middle of a conflict is something to admire, these words are loaded with a lot of feeling, the hourglass passes at different times in you and the other person, being a soldier is something admirable not only for the work they do but also for what they leave aside every time they leave.
Thanks for your comment, and even more thanks for reading the post in the first place. I appreciate that you took the time to do both as many do not. Thank you also for seeing this post for what it is and for having some kind thoughts in respect of what military personnel give up so that others do not have to.
Inasmuch as this may be fiction, your words paint a vivid and poignant picture of the emotional toll of deployment and the struggle to balance love and duty. Soldiers all around the globe at some point think of this balance and it can be very challenging.
Thank you for sharing this deep perspective on the realities of being a soldier. May their resilience and the enduring connection with loved ones shine through the darkness of their experience. May the light of love guide them all through the challenging times.✨
Thanks for your comments and synopsis. I appreciate you taking time to read it and making the comment as I know many struggle to fund a relevant comment to a post such as this. Well done.
I enjoyed reading it because, it contains a great deal of emotional/mental imagery. Plus I like a thought provoking article. A happy Sunday to you ✨
Aaawe this is sweet
Thanks.
You're welcome🤗
Man so Good with words... you'd be a bestseller if you venture into this path....I loved every piece of it,nice one
Thanks, I appreciate you taking a read.
smiles 😂
Yay! 🤗
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Thank you @verdesmeralda, I appreciate your kind gesture.
You are welcome 😊
I was so moved by this fictional letter that it left me speechless.