A flurry overhead, a downpour of.... leaves... hitting the ground, sounding like raindrops.
As the trees undress, they carpet the ground below with brilliant reds and golds, jewel-tone greens, and the detritus of frostbitten flowers.
Autumn was always that bittersweet time of year, heralding the end of sticky-hot, buggy, itchy, muggy summer, yet bracing us for the long cold winter to come.
This year, the season is sadder than ever. My sister Lori died in September 2021. Come November, sister Kelly was hit with Stage 4 stomach cancer. Only 3% of Stage 4s live five more years, but we were all counting on the Wunderkind, Kelly the marathon runner, the energizer, to exceed even that prognosis.
How hard she fought; how rapidly, how horribly, she died (on Palm Sunday 2022); how very hard it is to feel the joy of a golden autumn afternoon in this Kelly-less world.
Julie, Lori, Kelly; how does my mom endure burying three daughters? By believing in God and heaven.
I've been reading a lot of Bible bloggers in an attempt to believe a loving Creator God really does exist and did hear our prayers and let Kelly take her beating for some splendiferous reason only God can know. Yeah.
I've watched a lot of videos from NDEs, Near Death Experience people who are passionately convinced that our lives continue after we are parted from our bodies. I read science, history, fiction, and poetry. Stuff like this:
.... 𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝗻𝗱𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗯𝗹𝗼𝘄.
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗮𝗺𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝗴𝗹𝗶𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝘀𝗻𝗼𝘄.
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗻𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗼𝗻 𝗿𝗶𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻.
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝘂𝘁𝘂𝗺𝗻 𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻.
𝗪𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴'𝘀 𝗵𝘂𝘀𝗵
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘄𝗶𝗳𝘁 𝘂𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗳𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗿𝘂𝘀𝗵
𝗼𝗳 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗲𝘁 𝗯𝗶𝗿𝗱𝘀 𝗶𝗻 𝗰𝗶𝗿𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁.
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗳𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁.
𝗗𝗼 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗿𝘆;
𝗜 𝗮𝗺 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲. 𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗱𝗶𝗲.
𝙲𝚕𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝙷𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚛 - 𝙸𝚖𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢, 𝟷𝟿𝟛𝟺.
Today was harder than usual, walking through that carpet of leaves on this last day of October, Halloween, with All Saints Day tomorrow and All Souls Day after that, and November, oh November, settling into my bones.
"It feels like she is right there with me, talking to me every night," my niece wrote in a Facebook family group this morning, 31-Oct-22, and "Your mom's spirit is always near," my sole remaining sister said.
Kelly, ready to run; me, with her daughter and granddaughter
If we moms can watch over our children
and loved ones from The Other Side, beyond death, I would soooo totally trade places so that Kelly could be here running, jump roping, advising, while I could silently, invisibly watch over. If we knew -if we could barter! - if we could choose I'd have Kelly here and me free of the vicissitudes of saying things that come across all wrong, free of the hazards of aging, free of the food allergies and aches and pains of this world. Kelly, you were the wheeler-dealer of the Benning Five, but we weren't allowed to make a deal with death, or you'd still be here, and I'd be quietly watching over with love and encouragement. We don't get to negotiate. We just have to accept what is and keep moving on until we take our last breath and our battered hearts beat their last beat.
Last night I saw my own grandchildren in Halloween costumes, crunching/dashing through that carpet of leaves, house to house, Trick or Treating. They grew weary, and I'd carry them for a spell. Now that is one thing I could not do from The Other Side.
Still. I would absolutely trade places with Kelly.
Even if we don't get to watch over them when we are gone.
Julie, Lori, Kelly, I treasure the tenuous--untenable?--idea that we will be together again.
Lori and Kelly in 2002
Julie at 17
Kelly's other daughters in 2002 at the farm where five sisters grew up
Thank you @mariannewest and @feewritehouse
for the daily prompt. I have fallen off the face of the earth but am finding a finger-hold and slowly, slowly pulling myself back to the world.
Day 18:42 5 Minute Freewrite: Monday - Prompt: carpet
Before I go:
This Fall, Leave the Leaves! | USDA
Oct 17, 2022 | It's the time of year to do your fall garden cleanup. Rather than the tedious task of raking and bagging leaves and taking them to the landfill, the best way to reduce greenhouse gases and benefit your garden is to leave the leaves! Leaves create a natural mulch that helps to suppress weeds while fertilizing the soil as it breaks down. The leaves also serve as a habitat for wildlife including lizards, birds, turtles, frogs, and insects that overwinter in the fallen leaves. These living creatures help keep pests down and increase pollination in your garden, so having a habitat for them in the fallen leaves can help to keep them around when you need them the most. ...
Walking in "God Light" on a carpet of leaves
My heart goes out to you for your loss. I have lost 4 brothers, all passed in their 20's. When the last one passed, I was so upset and my Mother said this to me. "Sometimes God reaches down and picks the flowers." I have never forgotten her words. She was a strong woman with a stronger Faith in the Lord. May God Bless you and your family in these sad times.
FOUR brothers.... ohhhh that is hard.... and all in their 20s. I'm so sorry!!
My mom and yours - trust in God and heaven!
Beautiful words: "Sometimes God reaches down and picks the flowers."
Thank you for your kind words!
Thank you, I lost the last one in 1995 and none of them had ever married or had children. I have one brother left he is the only one who married and had kids.
I was hoping that my mother's words would bring you some comfort as they did for me.
None married, none contributed to the gene pool before they departed this earth - {{ sad! }}
Currently reading a book explaining Buddhism, having just read a few core ideas of Hinduism, and I'm reminded of something I learned at 17 in Religions of the World: for the most part, the message is the same. Be kind. Do good deeds. Detach from material things; even detach from all concerns of the ego; take care of your body and your peace of mind; do not fear death; etc.
The elderly, as death looms, will often start seeing people who died. It would be easy to write it off as just another delusion of dementia. But then, why don't they hallucinate their son who lives a thousand miles away? Their daughter who has been in Germany for decades, his neighbors, anyone who is still above ground and still breathing. No. They see those who've died. Along with any number of YouTube videos from people who survived the no-pulse, no brain activity (call it dead, or not) - I have hope that maybe we really DO meet again on the other side!
I cannot imagine losing four outta five brothers. God bless you!
why don't they hallucinate their son who lives a thousand miles away? This is a very good question, it really gets me thinking. I do not fear death, I fear losing the ones that are here with me and them losing me. I have one granddaughter who calls me a dragon, I asked her why and she said because dragons live forever.
What a great line from a granddaughter!!!
I sometimes flirt with death, thinking of that Emily Dickinson poem.
(Too often, I think everyone would be better off without me. I know, I know....
Gotta be more of a dragon, and keep fighting, no matter how often I feel vanquished!)
Yes, be a dragon. The world needs more dragons, never give up. Live, Laugh and Love.
I am so sorry for your loss. I've missed your posts; now I understand why you haven't been writing. I encourage you to keep searching for God and His truth. It's all right there in the Bible, and those who seek will find. I could not manage life without my faith and belief in God and in Jesus.
Thank you @scribblingramma!
Every day from November to April, I read Susie Larson's Daily Blessings and shared them with Kelly. Who could be more positive and uplifting than Susie, reminding us of all God's promises, and telling us herself, "I promise you, it's true" - but my capacity to believe the Bible as anything but myth was stretched beyond the breaking point. I was a skeptic all my life, but kept the doors wide open and pray every day and take long walks, singing hymns ("Speak Lord; I love to listen to your voice") - but I just don't hear God in the wind or feel Jesus in the sunbeams. I feel alone and very small, yet part of something bigger, and perhaps not entirely insignificant. The God of the Bible is so present to so many millions of people. It's because of those who believe that I don't consider myself an atheist. I'm a wannabeliever. Thanks again for your kind words. "Without Jesus, we have nothing," said one friend, but, hey, we have courage and curiosity, wonder and hope. That's not nothing....
I am so sorry. I do not know how you bear this, but you do.
I believe our elements, our energies, ourselves, break up and go back into the ether so that our essences can take form again in others. The poem says this to me too. All our loved ones are here, living or not, fueling us with their essences.
I love you.
Thanks for the kind words.
It's not as consoling as the NDEs saying we live on, sentient and all, but I'll take whatever is next, even if it's NOTHING, because what else can we do? Who has battled death and won? We all die, sooner or later.
I love you too!!!!
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Realmente difícil lo que has vivido, solo quien lo vive sabe como se siente, no hay razones claras para que entendamos porque suceden las cosas, pero todo tienen un porque que aveces somos ciegos y lo tenemos al frente y no lo vemos porque no estamos preparados aun para merecernos las razones del porque de las cosas. Dios te de mucha serenidad, y paz.