I'm so happy to know you enjoy this poem. Thank you for your encouragement so much! It is my biggest motivation to keep on sharing. Yeah, the version you offered is great, too, especially the last sentence: A slice of sun on the horizen is more vivid and exact. (Although I've never heard of Larry Elder and his wife, I guess he should be an American scholar. )
However, for my part, the first version is more true to the original. It seems that the mountains on both sides are unfolding themselves to greet the poet's ship like the red carpet rolling out. 出/go out matches 来/come in. The second version wins in its rhyming.