Green light, red light; I was standing in front of a traffic light hopelessly without noticing anything. I didn't even notice when the green light turned into red or the red light turned into green. I was stuck there without noticing anything around me; I don't even remember how long I was like this. I came to my senses when the drizzling rain started suddenly. It's not a story, it's my life journey as a mental patient. Should I feel ashamed of being like this!! I guess no.
In this world, many people deal with situations, mental strength can be different. Some can stay strong, and stay expressive but some seek help. Some love to stay loner. Who am I, how can come out, or can improve my situation; such questions always spiral in my head. My new treatment plan has started but with the damage that happened during my EMDR session, nothing is improving so far. A drastic change occurs in me. I don't deal with obsessive or intrusive thoughts, I don't have stress instead I have developed a very different character. I am emotionless, I feel empty and I am lost.
It's been a long time since I am dealing with my PTSD and Depression. There is no conclusion still, it's just a developing process and every day is a measuring chart of my mental health progress. I developed insomnia severely. For example, in the last 48 hours, I only slept for 4 hours in total because I can not sleep. I don't like taking my medications anymore but I am still taking them because I currently don't have any other choices. Identifying myself such silent, calm, and empty scares me. It's like the silence before the storm. I talked to my doctor, discussed the situation, and opened up about many things that I never mentioned before. The feelings I ignore or a situation that I feel doesn't matter can be the root of all the problems and might cause depression. I am dealing with depression, severe depression. It's not chronic but it's challenging. The more I think about it, the more I feel hopeless; I am like a living robot who doesn't feel anything. It's scary because before I was proactive, my body used to react and I could identify my problems. Now I cannot. I do regular activities, I go outside but I don't feel anything. I feel jealous when I see people who are expressive, normal, and active. Humans have their way of expressing themselves and I don't have any. It's a battle; an endless battle.
It took me a lot of courage to write something like this. I wrote before that my mind works two ways and that's because of my culture and upbringing. Past and childhood traumas are open wounds, they never go away completely. They heal in time but certain situations can open those wounds. Fleeing from the war was just the beginning, I couldn't even realize that time my upcoming sufferings. My doctor tried to comfort me today, saying things which I already knew and she also knew that I knew. Strange conversation but she also mentioned that I was just listening to the words, these words had no effect on me.
I started raising questions about my existence. A part of me deals with self-confidence. It's difficult for an individual who knows what's going on but cannot stop it. I traveled a lot, I did physical activities, do things but after a few days, I returned to the same spot; again and again. I pretend to be well, I act normal whereas my inside is completely shattered. It's not like I don't see any good day or I don't have a pleasant day; I do feel pleasant but I never feel the true happiness. My past hurts me, no matter how much I try to avoid it, it comes over and over again. I vent in front of my doctor, I express the details of my thoughts. When I picture my past, it scares me and creates questions of my entire life.
Sometimes changes are needed for good, changes help to evolve a person in life. I am evolving every day, fighting and struggling with my psychology and mental health. I am on a boat in the vast sea, I am just waiting for the direction where to go. I cannot say much about my treatment process now, I cannot explain how it feels to live like this every day. I feel so small...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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All images used are captured by the author...
Each person evolves at their own speed, no one really goes slow or fast.
The only thing permanent in this world is change, there are changes for the better and there are changes that are not very favorable. But change is a constant that will always be present.
The photography is very beautiful, I always admire your good taste in images.
That is absolutely true.
Yes, and I guess so far I am constantly changing especially mentally. Perhaps the process is slow but it's happening and unfortunately not in a good way.
Thank you so much for stopping by and glad that you liked this picture...
Hey :( Big hugs, first of all.
Secondly. It sounds as though the therapist wasn't very sensitive and went too fast. I've understood that if you dissociate during trauma processing, that you can embed the trauma further. It sounds like this may have happened?
There are so many "therapists" running around who are just shit, quite frankly :( In it for the ego and money. The end. This makes me super angry actually. But me and my son had two plus years of PTSD to unpack because of exactly this.
And our local police force. God bless their ignorant, gender biased socks. 😡
Anyhoo. You do have a choice here, my friend. Recovery is possible. Perhaps when you feel safe enough to continue. Or decide whether you want to. Or whether you need to.
Perhaps this is recovery? And the highs and lows of PTSD are gone and the middle ground feels "flat" ?
You could always find a good plant medicine person as well and try Psilocybin
if it's legal in your area. It is in some US states now. In conjunction with a good coach/mentor/therapist if you must, for emotional support, and physical rebuild of the nervous system, this, could help.
Be patient. Recovery takes time <3
Yes unfortunately I was the last patient for my EMDR therapist before her last day so she was in a rush and yes because of the dissociate processing, other traumas arrived.
That's a long time... :(
Perhaps but my psychiatrist said this is not the case, my case is slightly different. I not only have PTSD, but I have some other issues as well and have past history. I didn't mention it here...
Yes, it's available here but I don't know if that is legal or not. I can ask my doctor about it...
Thank you so much for the wonderful suggestions and such great conversation...
I'm glad you've got support and are continuing with your recovery :)
Yes, it did take a long time for me, but I didn't have support mostly. And I am still in the situation that caused the PTSD. So if I can "fix" it while I'm still in it then you can fix it with resilience, focus and time. It must be possible, right?
Always a pleasure to meet people who are busy journeying and making progress. I think it's important for us to share and support each other :)
As I was reading this I had a thought... I hope I can articulate it clearly.
I wonder, because of the ways you learned to cope with childhood trauma, if you used those same coping mechanisms when you fled the war. From what I have learned about coping mechanisms, they serve us in the moment, but because we got stuck using them for extended periods it got ingrained into us as a normal way to cope. I mean, why wouldn't it, since it was our normal and we needed it to function/survive. But they stop being useful when we attempt to grow away from the trauma. What I am wondering (and I am not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt), is that if you started working on healing from the earliest trauma you remember at the moment, it might have a cascading effect. And maybe give you more clarity for your healing journey.
Basically, recognizing what behaviors were developed when shit was first fucked up for you, seeing how you were wronged and developing self-compassion around that, then moving forward one step at a time with more self-love and understanding while identifying more shit that needs to be healed.
I hope this doesn't sound preachy or like it's coming from a light and easy place. It's fucking hard work, scary, too. And when it comes to noticing others who look like they have it easy, jealousy is what you feel and it is exactly right because it is your feeling. And probably they do have it easier than you. I still get envious of people who handle big social situations like a piece of cake, and people who had better childhoods than me and were able to develop healthier behaviors from a much younger age. Envy is normal, anyway. Helps us grow, too, if we use it right.
I'm glad you have a therapist to vent to, one that listens and also observes what you are taking in. And I'm sorry the EMDR didn't work out. I heard also about a technique called brain spotting that uses eye movements but doesn't require recalling the traumatic experience. I don't know anything about it, though.
Also, I'm here if you need someone to reach out to. I know how painful it feels to question one's own existence. And I like you a lot better alive than not.
Yes, I am unknowingly and unintentionally following the same coping mechanism because that's how I used to do in the past, consume everything alone and move on. Right now, it doesn't work anymore and the same process is affecting my psychology as well. The healing process was the goal but I couldn't achieve it because there is a lot that needs to heal over time. It is now visible that I never healed from my past traumas, I just completely ignored it and moved on. Scar stayed and now wounds are opened once again. For healing, I have having new treatment plan but still a long way. It feels like I am not ready to heal or my mind is actually not accepting any healing treatment because it wants to grieve and vent first.
Unfortunately yes and still my problems are unknown because I am not very open or ready to talk about the past. It's uncomfortable.
Yes but these things won't work because I first need exposure therapy. They are still suggesting trauma therapy but I am not confident about it.
I know and I will reach you out.
Sorry about my delayed reply, I was being un-hivey for a minute.
So much to take on to heal, I hear you. I believe in you, though. Sending love.
Hey, had you tried lavanda or basil tea?
It does have calming effects.
🍀
I am not a fan of tea but whenever I take it, I prefer either ginger lemon or chamomile tea. I will try lavender tea as well, never tried it before.
Every person has challenges in life to deal with. It's on us how we handle it. I hope you can surpass this one. Just take it as a challenge on you that will evolve you into a great person. just keep going at your pace. Where here to listen to what you've been through. Fighting @priyanarc
Thanks a lot for the courageous words, It's a challenge and I guess I am just in a phase where I don't see the light of life. But yes, life goes on and we eventually get better...
I recognize myself in your post... So strange. From the outside, it may seem that we are different, our situations are different, and so are our reactions to all this. But somehow I have the same challenges and feelings. I don't sleep well, and two nights ago I didn't sleep at all. I was like a zombie, and I had to skip my work. This makes me think that ... we no nothing about the people around us. Maybe they are good actors and know how to pretend normal and hide their feeling, or maybe we are inattentive and busy with our affairs. Anyway, this war will greatly affect the whole generation.
I wish I could hug you, or make you some tea, and it would make us feel a little better. Hold on, dear, I know you may hate these words already ... be kind to yourself but don't give up.
Sending you my virtual hugs and !LUV
Exactly, we all are hiding behind the mask and pretending like nothing is happening inside us, everything is fine. I think it's because we don't like to show our weaknesses.
I wish I could advise you something but we both are in the same boat. Try to relax and sleep, it's very important. I agree with you that this war gonna affect a lot.
I really hope we will be able to meet soon and can have some relaxing quality time with each other...
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It definitely took a lot of courage to write this all down. I'm glad you got it all out.
I know trying to hide your pain won't help or heal it, and it will quite often seep out in your adult life. There's an old saying that as an adult we have to heal the child within. It's surprising how much trauma and upset we carry with us into adulthood.
I'm glad you are hanging in there. X
Yes and I accuse myself of growing adult, too much pain. I often wonder why my life became like that...
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