It takes courage to open let this flow out, and somehow I think it can be healthy to normalize that sometimes we are not ok. Still those dark thoughts seem to be spiraling a bit out of control into a dark place. You've dealt with a lot of things, but you need to harness that darkness and keep you safe from harm. I don't usually get angry but I bear great unbearable sorrow sometimes, it also steals my sleep and plague it with shadows. But I try my best to dispel it. And know we are all unique, but I can tell you one thing, we are all worthy of inner peace and happiness. Give yourself time to heal. Hope you get better soon