How I have been doing lately with my PTSD treatment? Treatment is going well but very slow which is understandable. Human psychology is very unpredictable and I am unpredictable as well. My mood swings a lot and I don't understand myself at all. I wonder how my nurses and doctors are dealing with my craziness. The first step of my treatment was stopping my nightmares and good sleep. Nightmares stopped because of the medication and good sleep is still far away. I can feel that because of the medication I normally sleep for 4-5 hours. But my darkness still stays with me.
I recently noticed that my desires and wishes are so dark and aggressive. Dark desire means violence, a murderer's mindset. You might be thinking about what I am becoming or what kind of person I am who thinks about murders and suicide. Well, I talked about my intense desire, wishes, and aggressive thoughts to my doctor (psychiatrist). He simply said, don't worry about it as long as you are thinking about execution and making them a reality. He mentioned that it's normal to feel anger because I have been through a lot and nothing positive happened in my life that will inspire me. I think my psychiatrist knows how to talk to me and he also notices my body language and understands my thoughts. I forgot to write that my case has been handled by two doctors, one is a psychologist and one is a psychiatrist. I guess I am lucky to have two doctors or it's just my case is so intense.
I often think about sliting my hands and body, that thought is just crazy and trust me I tried to control that desire, wish, or thoughts. Even I think about killing someone like a psycho. My anxiety level is still high, I panic, and I overthink. Sometimes I cannot differentiate which one is thought and which is reality. I feel lost, I am lost.
I asked about my desire and dark thoughts to my psychiatrist and again he simply said, it's a desire and you are just trying to remove your pain by hurting yourself. The better idea would be if you break something or punch a pillow instead of hurting yourself. It's very hard to argue with my psychiatrist because he has all the answers.
I have removed all the sharps things from my room to stay safe, just in case... I cannot trust myself...
Lately, a new nurse visited me from GGZ. She was on vacation and this was her first appointment with me. We talked for 2 hours and she was closely observing me. After our session, she clearly said you are carrying a dual personality now, you are still strong and your strong personality still fighting inside you. Right now your mind is surrounded by all the violence, darkness, and negativity but your strong personality still exists inside. You just need to take a small step towards that strong personality. Well, I told her that I wish I could do it just like clicking one button and switching it into positivity but I can't. It will take time.
My last session was different, it was more like a productive conversation with solutions. But yes, I know I am still not ready for those steps. As I have said the treatment process is prolonged and I don't have much to do nowadays. Besides my depression level has increased so I don't find anything inspiring or motivational. This phase of my life is unclear and very hard to explain. I don't know how to react to this situation. Thoughts are inside my mind and sometimes they are uncontrollable.
I cannot stop these desires from coming to my mind, I cannot stop having past flashbacks. I used to ignore everything thinking these thoughts would go away eventually but in time these thoughts became powerful and dominated me. I don't know how PTSD reacts but I am aware of depression because I have dealt with depression and suicide scenarios before. I know about my feelings, my darkness, and my uncontrollable thoughts.
My 6 weeks are going to finish soon. Can't believe it's already 1 month since my PTSD treatment. Another therapy will soon start and this time someone will go deep into my thoughts to take me out in the present. It's important I should live in the present, not in the past...
Finishing this post thinking of a bright day...
Thanks for reading my post... Peace...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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You are so brave to share all of this. Thank you.
I recently did a form of therapy called Accelerated Resolution Therapy. It's very different from talk therapy, and uses eye movement to change the emotional association with imagery from traumatic experiences. I did it to work with the trauma I experienced in an abusive relationship. The session was intense, but sooo effective. I've been really amazed by the relief I've felt since. It's only been about five days but I feel more confident and at ease doing simple things that before I hadn't realized how much anxiety I was feeling around them. I think my trauma had been so ingrained that it was subtly infused into my daily activities.
I wonder if it might be something you could try, in addition to your talk therapy? If there are resources like that where you are. If it helps you like it helped me, I think it could really lighten the load for you.
Here's a link explaining what ART is. There's also [EMDR}(https://www.emdria.org/about-emdr-therapy/), which I think was the original form of treatment, but I haven't experienced that one myself.
Even if my suggestions aren't what you're looking for, I hope you find a way to get faster relief. You deserve to feel safe, @priyanarc. ❤️
(Editing comment to add the freewrite post I made about my experience) just to share a little about how it went.
Before replying I read your post because I was curious to find some similarities and I am glad I read your post. My thoughts are also similar and my feelings are so intense now. My doctor told me that trauma therapy will start and also psycho therapy will go on, it's like side by side. I have some past history, I had schizophrenia and also I was diagnosed with advanced psychotherapy. But the therapy you have taken seems very effective and I can discuss this with my doctor as well. I am going to check the link you have shared and will educate myself about the treatment you have got.
I know how it feels to deal with a lot, it feels like you are kind of stuck in another world and it's not easy to come back to real life without therapy.
I am glad you are doing well now...Thank you...
❤️❤️❤️❤️! Maybe it's already in the plans for your trauma therapy. Or maybe something even more effective that we haven't heard about...
Ya I will wait for the upcoming therapies, you are right, maybe it is included...
It takes courage to open let this flow out, and somehow I think it can be healthy to normalize that sometimes we are not ok. Still those dark thoughts seem to be spiraling a bit out of control into a dark place. You've dealt with a lot of things, but you need to harness that darkness and keep you safe from harm. I don't usually get angry but I bear great unbearable sorrow sometimes, it also steals my sleep and plague it with shadows. But I try my best to dispel it. And know we are all unique, but I can tell you one thing, we are all worthy of inner peace and happiness. Give yourself time to heal. Hope you get better soon
I am glad you shared and sad that you are going through dark times, especially since your replies have been a bright spot to my daily blog. My first reaction from the Dad in me is to give words or advice or words of comfort. Ultimately though I'm sure those would sound hollow. I've certainly gone through my fair share of pain but my pain, my coping mechanisms and my journey is not yours and never can be.
Instead I'll just say that while I am about as comforting as a wet blanket and as compassionate as a rock if you ever need a sounding board or someone to vent to, I'd be happy to read the post, send a comment back, or be useful in whatever small way I can. I'll keep praying you find your path and hope you find the right path of ease your load and bring you peace and light.
I love reading about the life and daily post, it gives me the inspiration to stay alive otherwise I would have done something so bad so far, lol...
Well somehow due to circumstances this didn't happen and as a result, I have trust issues and I created my own confined world. It's not like I never tried to ease my pain but seems like my effort was not enough.
Thank you for your kind words and yes I read every comment and try to keep in mind that there are people who care about me and take the time to read my life update and depressive post.
I think to some degree everyone is going thru something thses days and most of it are psychological. It good you're able to find a doctor to talk to and even be able to write honestly about them(like the murdering parts).
Most people keep them boxed inside thinking they can just go away and go about their daily life but eventually I think at some point it all comes back(stronger than before). From my own perspective I think admitting these thoufhts would be the first step to conquering them and growing stronger.
Keep on holding strong and have a good day. Love from Nigeria
To be honest, my thinking process is very critical and hard to understand. I overthink, and panic, and my mind is always on the alert mode like it used to be when I was at War. The doctor told me it is normal because my body moved to a safe place but my mind is still in the survival process. I feel angry because whatever happened in my life was insane and I have no one to blame...
I was like that, I consumed and kept everything inside thinking in time all will be okay but I never understood that this would kill me inside...
I admit and I decided to be open so that I can heal...
Thank you...
You are a very beautiful person. A kind soul. The World needs you more than ever.
For my depression and Anxiety I find the best thing to do is to stay busy. I am making shorts on YouTube, they are now monetized and I am having a lot of fun creating 1 minute videos on my iPhone. You have inspired thousands of people like me to be creative. You are a very positive Force in this World. The world needs you.
Please keep creating these very beautiful videos.
I wish I could tell you what's going on inside my mind. Even I as a person cannot believe what I am now. I used to be a very strong person who used to share her world with everyone and also showed the beautiful moments in life. I don't know if you noticed that or not; I stopped making videos though I live in a beautiful country where so much to share. I just don't find that motivation to share. Besides my aggression and my dark thoughts and desire pushing me towards depression and my PTSD, well I don't know how all these happened...
I really hope that one day once again I will start sharing my world with everyone...
Thanks for sharing that beautiful sunflower field with me, one of the best memory of my life...
My youtube is dead already, I don't know when the last time I opened my camera for filming...
Thanks @offgridlife
I'm hoping you'll make it, but I know it's hard. When you are under the influence of depression, you lose the ability to feel things. Everything can seem dark and sinister, and words are no help. But I choose to believe in you and that you will be able to make it.
Many more people will support you, because they know that you are worth it. Take care.
One part of me still fighting and that's why I was able to ask for professional help. I know I had a creative strong mind, it's just lost now or hidden somewhere in me. I push myself sometimes to get out, to do something but within a second I become another person who thinks what's the point of living in this world? I had some awful incidents in life. Those feelings are in control now. I love to write and probably that's why I am still writing.
I was a fighter once, but now that fighter is somehow lost within the darkness and sinister...
Rest assured that there are many who want you back and we have faith that you will achieve it.
Thank you for your kindness...
I know we all have our own darkness, and many times it's for terrible reasons, so I can get an idea of the situation.
I am concerned about the situation in which one cannot trust oneself, but it gives me a bit of calm to know that you are undergoing treatment, that you have taken precautions to reduce the risk of self-harm, and that the treatment is approached from different perspectives.
I wish everything would get better quickly, but I know that mental health treatment takes time, in the end I can only wish you the best and that everything goes in the right direction.
Stay !ALIVE
!GIF Wish you all the best
!LOLZ
!MEME
!PGM
!LUV
!CTP
You know I really appreciate that you always take the time to read my post, because I always thought nobody read my shit post. Not only I am struggling with self-trust issues but also I have a lot of doubt about myself. Yesterday night again I had a breakdown and I locked myself in the washroom and started crying for hours. I simply blame myself thinking about why I am not like normal people, why I am like this... My thoughts never end...
The normal is a matter of statistics, it is what is repeated the most in a population, so in the end we are all a little different from the average, so no one is 'perfectly normal', those who obsessively assure that they are 'normal' they are the most 'abnormal' there is (humor point), I learned that firsthand with one of my treatments when I was young and had several problems with my head.
I know that in these networks one has many silent readers, sometimes nobody really reads us, or those who do read us do not take the time to respond. None of this disqualifies the value of what we share, since we share it for our public, but also for ourselves, personally, I write because I want to put into ordered words what I have on my mind, be it a simple short note or a long reflection, whether it is a comment on a publication or a translation of some fantasy novel.
Likewise, I write primarily to be able to get things out of my head and see them in an orderly way, because in my head they are, on many occasions, a mess.
I understand crying, sometimes it's something very healthy, a friend told me that if the eyes are the mirror of the soul, then crying is like putting the soul through a washing machine (weird humor laugh), it's not something I care about I like to get hooked, but it helps me to cry from time to time, it reminds me that I am human, that I have weaknesses and that makes me close to what we call 'normal'.
I wish you that everything improves, and that it is soon. Also, love to Gigi.
Stay !ALIVE
!LOLZ
!GIF I wish you are well
!PGM
!LUV
!CTP
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I send you a lot of hugs! I hope bright days will come soon. Take care! 💛
Thank you Asia for sending so much love and hugs, it means a lot to me... Take care and I wish you a good week...
I'm glad you are posting on here. You sound as though you are getting good support now. Youtube can wait. Don't put any more pressure on yourself. You can do this, little by little. ❤️❤️❤️
I really don't feel like posting but sometimes I think I should write down everything to ease my pain a little bit. Besides who knows someone from the other side of the world would read my post and get benefits. I am not pushing myself for videography, it is now a big step and I am not ready for it. The treatment is going well so far and I can see the changes and feel the differences...
Although it is early days, I'm very pleased that you can feel the benefits. ❤️
Yes it is just the beginning...
It is so refreshing that despite your struggles and constant bad news you still write it down and put it out there I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel, it's very refreshing to come across one of your posts again.
It's good to see you. Well, I don't feel comfortable writing about all the bad and horrible things about my life but on the other hand, I feel like it is who I am. We all go through a bad time but we don't share it because we don't feel comfortable. But I thought maybe sharing my story would be helpful for someone who is going through a hard time just like me...
Thank you...
It is great that you are sharing all of this Priyan, it means you are acting to search for contact and help rather than acting on your darker thoughts, keep doing that and take care.
!ALIVE
I tried my best in the hope of recovery...
It takes time, but step by step it will happen.
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You are still there, you are not those thoughts. Your soul is deeper than them.
It's horrible when you can't stop thinking and you feel your mind is out of control and you lose your mind. But I know you will make it through the dark forest you are in and you will reach bright places.
Keep it up, you are doing well. Big hug. ❤️
!LUV
@priyanarc, @palomap3(9/10) sent you LUV. | tools | discord | community |
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Yes, I figure out that there is a strong creative woman inside me who is right now stuck in darkness and hidden but she exists. I black out sometimes and cannot differentiate between imagination vs reality. When I talk to my nurses, I feel motivated and then again back to the darkness. But my doctor said if I stay positive for at least 5 minutes, it's a step. On the other hand, my depression pushes me away always... Right now, probably I don't have the answer, but maybe soon I will find the lost "Me".
You are listening to your therapists, that's great! Keep trusting the process, just for today. And tomorrow, again again. Every day is one day closer to your recovery.
I keep sending you love and hugs. ❤️
I do listen but sometimes I fail because of my strange mindset :(
I am so sorry for all you been through and still are Sister ❤️
Life isn't fair and the things that you dealing with and been through is more than most ever go through.
You sharing this... Naked truth is showing your inner strengths and even if you don’t see it, through all this I can see your spirit and you still have that glow about life but you been through so much that it is no Wonder you feel as you do.
And you are ALLOWED to feel everything that you feel, you need to go through it and let it all out.
Whatever you feel.... Not your fault sweety and you never have to worry about being bad for some thoughts you have. It is all you been through that is hitting you and just let it, with help you Will see...
The Light is still there and I have no doubt you come out much stronger than ever and even in your tornado off emotions you still a inspiration for many... Me included 💋
I love you Sister @priyanarc and I wish for you to find peace, to find a home and feel safe... Free!
To smile again and never have to go through pain and fear again.
You deserve so much and I wish I could be there and hug you 🤗
Tell you how incredleble amazing I think you are.
And even if I haven't been through what you have... I hear YOU ❤️
To be honest I tried to be strong, to start over again from zero but I failed. Life is a bitch and intense circumstances broke me into pieces and my stronger personality was finally lost in front of my darkness and weakness. I am kinda stuck in a black box but I know there is the light of hope. I cannot work now, cannot do anything properly like a normal person. I feel low and unhappy when I see people who are normal and very strong.
So much going on right now, I am just stuck at one point...
Thanks sis for your kind words and so much love... @saffisara
I wonder if your next therapy has started yet.
Unless people have survived and had to go through what you have done and still are doing, then they don't really get what is happening inside you.
You are so doing the right thing getting therapy and talking about it.
Mental health is a huge issue and through in what happened to you over the last year, and I personally think you are being incredibly brave and handling it so well.
Trauma therapy still not started yet but my treatment process changed a lot. It's more like tasks that I have to complete every day and most of the time fail...
I knew I needed help so I asked for it and everybody told me it was a big step that I have taken. talking helps though as an introvert I prefer writing. But I feel so low often that's why cannot write much. I am still weak...
Thanks for reading my post, have a good weekend...
Reading your posts saddens me; I really hope, you get through this!
It's good you write about it and open up.
We all feel down at times, of course to a much lesser degree for most, but it helps to talk about it, even if there doesn't appear to be a solution straight away.
Take care!
I wrote about my condition thinking that maybe it will be helpful for someone in this small world. I am an introvert so writing is one of my options because I have issues trusting people...
Thank you @anna-newkey and have a great weekend...
It will help, I'm sure! ❤
You too have a great weekend or what's left of it! 😀
Thank you...
My prayers are with you... I know you are strong enough to overcome this nightmare. Do remember that you have a lot to live for.
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
Thank you, every day I wake up in the hope of recovery and being normal again.. Hope that day will come soon...
Until then, know that you have helped a lot of people, and you have a lot to do yet in this world!
Are you familiar with Dreemport, by the way?
Yes I heard about dreemport but due to my condition, I couldn't check the details...
It will be there waiting when you are ready :) ... Feel better soon!
!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL
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