No matter the addiction (drugs, social media, porn, gaming or food), it is not the cause of our suffering or dysfunction.
The root cause is unintegrated emotional charge, stemming from our childhood caregiver’s inability to be present and provide us with unconditional love.
It stems from the culturally-accepted outsourcing of parental and village responsibility to nurture and provide safety and education for our children.
From the moment we are born we are abandoned by our parents in a myriad of ways. We are given substitutions for love (teddy bears, pacifiers and bottles) because our caregivers are tuned out or busy.
Some even follow “expert advice” to make us sleep alone and cry it out...successfully teaching us early on that our needs are not worthy of attention.
This continues through childhood as electronics, toys and sweets become tools to distract us from the emotional pain of being abandoned.
Behind the scenes, the original wound just keeps getting covered up.
And since society is set up for parents to hand most of their responsibilities as caregivers over to institutions and the media, it’s no wonder that when we manifest addictive behavior everyone blames “culture”. It’s a dog chasing its tail!
When we blame externals, we are blaming the effects rather than the cause...and nothing ever changes.
How do we begin to shift these issues on a causal level?
As parents, community leaders and human beings, this is an opportunity to take responsibility. If we find ourselves blaming the educational system, the porn industry, the government, the media, etc., we are immediately disempowering ourselves and assuming the role of a victim.
Taking responsibility is taking back our power.
As a parent of four children, I care about how they learn to treat other humans, and how much they value their own bodies and life in general.
If I had sent them off to school to be “educated” I would have given away that responsibility to an institution. Not that this is necessarily wrong, but in doing so, I would also have to realize that I can’t expect an institution to teach them meaning, spirituality, self-love and respect for all of life. All the things that are necessary for a child and human to be immune to addiction.
I know I CAN’T shelter them from porn, drugs and deviant behaviors, but I CAN take responsibility for providing a love-rich environment, so that they don’t need to attach themselves to these love-substitutions.
I CAN take responsibility for showing them what intimacy looks and feels like between two mature individuals who choose to partner and make love (whether sexual or non-sexual).
I CAN model to them the rituals that bring about a feeling of interconnectedness and closeness to God that don’t require them to sacrifice or damage their bodies or give their power away to “substances,” “groups”, “leaders,” “teachers” or “gurus”.
As cliche as it sounds...it all starts with me.
I’m not against having conversations about the injustices of the system, the corruption of the media and the inadequacies of the institutions of schooling and medicine.
I have no issue with calling out narcissistic, corrupt, perverted, unconscious human behavior.
However we must realize that what we are witnessing are alarm bells, signaling us to uncovering the effects, so that we can trace back to the causal point.
When we shift things at the point of causation it may take years to witness the effects shifting. Not many people are patient enough for this. They want a quick fix and if it’s not quick then they go back to blaming. Blaming is easy...be-laming!
This subtle work takes practice and the ability to slow down and observe the invisible cause and effect thread that connects everything.
This is also a journey within....to witness our own patterns of addictively seeking love and suppressing the cries of our inner child.
It’s a path that reveals to us that what is happening to us is actually happening through us.
It’s ends up being about showing up consistently through our OWN unravellings, deaths, tantrums and fits...as a conscious parent would...day after day, year after year...until gradually that heart-ache fades.
It might feel like loneliness, grief, dying, loss and confusion. It may come up in our relationships, our artwork and music, or even in our dreams.
Wherever it comes up, we are responsible for loving it. Our baby, our wound, our fracture. It is ours to mend...because no one else can do it. Nothing or no one else is the cause of it...and nothing or no one else is capable of healing it.
It’s important to know, it’s not your fault...addiction starts with a pacifier...or something that you were given in place of what you really wanted...LOVE.
Trace your experience back to those points in your life and practice...sitting with that younger version of you...calmly receive, acknowlede...comfort without trying to fix.
Ahhhh now doesn’t that FEEL nice?
The most beautiful part of all of this is that through consciously responding to your own cries for attention, you learn to automatically and authentically show up for your children, your beloveds, your Earth family.
If this sounds familiar it’s probably because I’ve learned this process of “self-facilitation” through The Presence Process. I’ve also written about it before in other posts and have blended other teachings such as Matt Kahn’s into them.
I’m not the perfect parent and I’m not free from addictions, I share this because I hope to inspire one person to take their power back through taking responsibility.
May all be blessed with the Breath of Presence,
💕Mama Pachee