It's a "thing" that many people suffer from, and rarely talk about. That niggle. That feeling that one day someone will shout loudly, point accusingly and call you out publicly for being less than you claim to be.
Imposter Syndrome, it's called.
It's a strange disconnect many of us have between the self we present to the world, the self we deep down feel ourselves to be and the self we have heard others declare us to be. It can be paralyzing, can create high levels of background stress that hold us back and can limit us from reaching for that thing, that dream we really want but feel we somehow may not be entitled to.
Photo by John Noonan on Unsplash
Yesterday I gifted myself a rare hour to join an small group online to talk about Imposter Syndrome. It was led by a coaching friend living here in Thailand, Justin Lee. Hong-Kong-American Justin and I have been friends for some years, and it because I have witnessed the humble way he consistently presents himself, and the authentic-gentle way he puts his coaching offerings forward, that I decided to join the session.
What can you learn about Imposter Syndrome in an hour? Turns out, quite a lot!
It helped me a lot to tighten my understanding of what it really is:
- A psychological pattern of doubt;
- Fear of being exposed;
- Mistaking what we think others believe about us with who we really are.
It wasn't the first time I'd thought about Imposter Syndrome, but it was by far the most helpful!! Previously, I'd intellectually read about it, understood it to some degree, but really ended up back in the same place: only now knowing I was an imposter, but having no way forward.
Game-changer?
Yesterday Justin asked us to consider the elephant in the room - with courage and kindness - about what might be true and underlying our self doubt... and what might help us to breach the gap towards building our confidence and capacity.
What are the things I might learn, practice, think or do differently, that might help me grow my capacity and confidence?
Perhaps the biggest take-home for me was "What is the cost of my inaction on others? If I never do-be-discover that "thing" that burns in my soul, how will the people I love and the people who depend on me be impoverished?"
Another HUGE take home for me was that some of the ideas about daily tasks I have learned and absorbed may actually be hindering me. That old A-B-C of task management - do that one, big, game-changing thing first BEFORE you touch anything else? What if that leads to such an overwhelm of Imposter Syndrome that I do nothing for 5 days except feel bad for not doing anything? Justin suggested a liberating idea:
What is the simplest, gentlest next step?
Today I have found myself quietly grateful for Covid, and the technology that enables me to join with others in different places and time-zones, but who share wisdom, similar challenges and who are able to support me to achieve my next steps.
Have YOU ever felt the fear of someone tearing off your mask? That feeling of "If they know who I really am, they won't love me?" Has it held you back?
There are loads of resources in the world, but I'd like to recommend personally Justin for anyone considering unblocking and unlocking themselves. You can reach him through his website, http://soulfultintimacy.com or follow him on Instagram @soulfulintimacy Yes, it would be awesome if he started blogging some of his content on the Hive blockchain... 😊 Here's hoping!
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HOlds me back ALL THE TIME. All my life. Partly shaped by the bullies that totally made me believe I was less than, partly because 'less than' is now probably my safehouse. Have you read 'The Body Keeps the Score'? That explains it for me. I have my moments where I KNOW how awesome I am, but they are few and far between - despite intellectually KNOWING I am worthy, knowing I am loved, intelligent, resourceful etc etc - I STILL feel a tremendous amount of self doubt.
How I wish we lived closer.
It sounds like "The Body Keeps The Score" is the next addition to my Book Depository wishlist then.... no, I haven't read it but sounds like I should.
It's crazy that we know we're awesome intellectually but the self doubt is somehow internalized elsewhere. The undercurrent of doubt can be crippling.
I wish we were closer too. x
Ah the good old imposter syndrome. Always in the background. Hiding. Making and appearance when you least expect it. Those moments when you feel your best and capable and so confident, and then just the smallest thought brings it all crashing down. Causing so much self doubt, the constant search for external validation and approval and reassurance. Leaving you a frail, vulnerable shell of yourself.
Thank you so much for bringing light to this. I hope everyone reading your words find patience and understanding within themselves to work past feeling like an imposter.
Welcome to Hive!! 😍 Honoured to be among your first comments.
Please go and make an Introduction Post and tell us a bit about who you are and what brought you to Hive... looking forward to supporting you so please tag me in it. 😊 Don't forget to add #introduceyourself #introducemyself as post tags.
The self fear of thinking you aint good enough eats deeper at times more than we imagine. And some other just follow what others think about them. At times, it may or not be okay. Over these is like pulling off leeches - it may be painful but you have to, to move forward. @artemislives
You are so right that it is insidious and drives us deep down to achieve (or not) more than we know.
Cutting down background stress is a BIG one for increasing not only performance and results, but also our natural health, so yes, leeches. I'm choosing to use salt to enable the disconnect rather than pulling which just makes it all bleed more.
Beautiful! Thanks, Marike. I'm a tough critic (having spent a decade in this industry and seen pretty much every version of coaching/psychological/spiritual/philosophical help available) and I found this really useful and refreshing! Thanks, chick! I have just followed Justin on Insta. And yes to him joining us on Hive! 💗
Hope you're not personally affected by the flooding @consciouscat ...
Yes, there is SO MUCH crap masquerading as coaching out there. And that's why it felt important to share this really helpful and gentle experience. I know that this is a big block for me, and I'm working through what I learned yesterday.
Appreciate you stopping by to comment! 😊
We're currently in Tassie, so... no! But also, our house is located in a suburb that is quite high so our stuff is safe. And while there are many, many areas affected, thankfully everyone we know personally is okay.
Hmmm. May you move gently and efficiently through that imposterishness so you can shine your light ever more brightly 💗
There's only one self regardless of what we believe. A lot of us have that fear of not being exposed and sometimes, we don't even know what for. The sad thing of this identity triangle is that who we really are is deeply suppressed. What others see us to be and how we see ourselves are better expressed. Since our true selves are kinda recessive and not much people see the good in others these days, we end up feeling like hell.
I prefer to think of the self as a rubic's cube - many facets, many ways of rearranging the colours, but inherently all one.
When we end up feeling like hell, or we see ourselves failing to thrive, it's time to take action. And that starts with understanding.
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