This week has been pretty disjointed with illness and various unscheduled this and that and I am feeling it, even though I have been on a "go slow" period at work. I have things to do that can't be rescheduled, so I am just working through - as I have said, the benefit of work from home is that it is possible to work sick. Well, that is a benefit for the company of course, not so much for the employees.
Because I was home with a sick child too, I "missed" a doctor appointment so did it by phone instead, which is okay in a pinch but not ideal. This was somewhat of a control checkup with the workplace medical coverage, so quite general anyway.
As far as improvement has gone, I am definitely not satisfied with the progress which seems to have halted over the last few months completely. I (nor anyone else) has seen any gains, so after the first six months of recovery, it is unlikely I am going to get much better than I am - which isn't ideal. Mild or not, I don't recommend having a stroke to anyone.
It has changed my personality a fair bit, but I am pressed to find anything for the better from it in this regard. I am far less confident in my abilities, more cautious in areas I needn't be and too free in areas I should be paying more attention and taking care. Coupled with a severe decrease in motivation of various kinds, it really does set a person up for a slippery slope spiral into oblivion.
Like I have mentioned before, While a mild stroke doesn't necessarily impact the physical aspects of life so much, there are plenty of cases where people have for instance, barely left their house afterward. The reason for this is the psychological impact it has on all kinds of aspects of life, including the constant reminder of the voice in the head comparing abilities now to before. Unlike the normal aging process where it is a slow decline, this is a very sharp fall off a cliff with no warning, at an age where mental ability shouldn't be weakened.
Regardless of whether I "accept" conditions, that voice isn't going to let it go, but perhaps it will reduce over time. It is like having a personal trainer - the worst, most demotivating, cruel personal trainer on earth.
I wonder however, if there are people walking around with a positive voice in their head that supports and encourages them to be their best. I am not talking about someone with a narcissistic personality disorder, but rather a voice that is able to motivate positive activity, to push through, instead of give up. Would the outcomes in life by significantly different? What about the experience of life in general?
It would be interesting to be able to capture this very personal mental narrative and compare notes between people, cross-referenced with other factors, like accomplishments, feeling of success as well as general health and mental wellbeing. While I have no reliable visibility on this, my intuition tells me there is quite a difference between people in how our internal voices speak to us.
It is a funny thing to consider really, because that voice is obviously me, but at the same time, it is also not me. If anything, it is like having a split personality of a kind, where there is the person I am through my behavior and activity, and the person that voice thinks I am, which doesn't necessarily develop its opinions from what has actually happened and is instead, rather erratic and inconsistent. Some days it thinks all is well, other days it is like the world has caved in on itself and all is woe - even thoughnothing much has changed between the two points in time.
I have somewhat given up on the idea of larger improvements now and have resigned myself to hoping for incremental change for the better. While this might sound a bit like giving up, I feel (at least today) that it is better for my own mental health to face the reality of the feedback thus far and act accordingly. Not much actually changes in what I do by taking this view, but perhaps it will quieten that voice a little.
Life is full of disappointments and unmet expectations, with this just being another one for me. We all have them though, but at the end of the day, since we are the only ones who can experience our own life, we either get on with the next chapter or dwell on the last, lamenting what could have been, if only...
If only.
If only I had done that, not done this, said that, not this, listened to the advice, not listened, bought, sold, held, learned, moved, stood still, been born there, not been born like this, had that rather than what I have... the list goes on, doesn't it?
Regardless of what the voice says - there is only a path forward from here.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
While we don't bank on it, a miracle can happen. Also, I have seen that your spirit is pretty tough, so just keep fighting and pushing
Perhaps one day there will be a limitless pill :)
You never know one day in the future you may wake up and feel normal again. Accepting current conditions does not mean that over time they, like many things in life, will change and perhaps to the better.
How did smallsteps dance go? was that one of the things that got lost this week from everything? I know you said she was home because of illness at school and you also. I hope she was able to make it and had a good time.
Sometimes I wonder if something will "click" and it will have seemed like a dream.
Thanks for asking. She loved it! It was great seeing her on stage and excited about being part of a group activity. We don't get out enough, so she spends a lot of time with adults at the moment.
That is good, despite all the issue she was still able to make the dance and you were able to watch.
They were so cute on the stage too and I am still hoping that there will be a decent video of it. :)
I don't think that there are many people in this mood for one and a half years, especially in my country.
Unfortunately, life is like that for many of us. However, I think that one should never lose their hope in life. We should go on struggling, I believe that even one achieved expectations might be bigger than our unmet expectations.
There really isn't a lot of positivity around - I am definitely not that person anymore
It actually doesn't take that much to make people happy enough, but it does take building a sense of wellbeing in at least some aspects of life.
Tough go man, for sure. Things tend to get intense for a while and some others improve but one thing that is hard to manage is when you get a case of the gloomies. Incremental improvement is better than worsening of a condition so take it one step, physical or mental of course, at a time and you can learn to adapt.
One of the things that's definitely an issue and challenging is the situation you get in where you don't leave the house for one reason or another, particularly after an issue like that.
I don't think the depressing weather helps any either! Lack of sunlight and often times physical exercise can bring on some dampers and give you a case of the gloomies. Hopefully you can get out of the funk and work on improving things as you can!
For sure. It is a strange feeling, as I don't think it is in my general nature.
When the lockdowns started, I spoke (even warned my boss) over the affect this will have on people. Now after this event, I am more certain than ever that the ramifications are going to be felt far into the future. I wasn't planning on being a statistic of it though.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. The one voice is hopeful and the other voice is resentful. The one says accept and improve and the other says why me.
I also wish the one would simply shut up, but the strange thing is that at times I agree with it.
Are we mad? No, I think not as it is the old versus the new methinks.
It is that agreement that is a bit of a worry - instead of having a coach looking to help, it is one getting buy-in for failure.
Exactly right and one ends up as confused as a bat in daylight.
It happened with me often you get sick but work is also important you might get fired if you take a leave that's why I'm trying to start my own PC shop I hope I make it happen by 2023
Your own PC shop sounds good. Would it be for sales or repairs?
I hope to do both cause I love to build and repair stuff since I was a kid
That is awesome :) Are you writing about your journey to get it going?
Not yet
It is definitely what we as humans are going to face or experience in life which is disappointment, but it shouldn't be a surprise because we all have our own ways of handling such situations when it occurs. It's also sad when one is down and not capable of doing stuffs been done before.
I wonder what the internal voice of a depressed person sounds like in comparison to an optimistic person.
So beautiful pictures amazing Street light😍
Indeed, it inner driving directions that guild and motivate either bad or good. I learned this some years back that nobody can motivate you than yourself. God already built this on us whenever we're down to driven our direction.
I would be so very interested in the results of such a study if it were possible.
As I look back on my life and various experiences, I can distinctly hear both voices at different times in my life. What is strange to me is how they are equally powerful as far as the results of my actions based upon those inner thoughts. It would so beneficial if one could learn to harness the positive and suppress the negative.
Thinking back on these personal eras, the positive voice allowed me to attain achievements I once thought were impossible and the negative voice has taken me to the very edge of personal destruction. It is fascinating just how powerful our mind is.
You should only be doing that if you're contagious but otherwise capable of working. If you're sick sick then take a sickie and go to bed.
Me I have one. It's very snarky though so maybe it doesn't count? XD
Scaling back efforts a bit isn't giving up, you're just being mindful of your energy levels and looking long term now.