Seeing how my family struggles and financially unstable since we were kids, I have never dream of having one unless I become stable one day. In fact, we don't just have money but we also lack emotional support. Given this, depression kicked in and I never had known self love back then that I often tend to seek love, care, and comfort from others. It was easier for me to fall for traps of love bombing and games of their playful intentions; a gullible and vulnerable one, you can say that. The one who couldn't say NO because I was too afraid that he'll leave me and I have no one again.
My stupid self back at that time bear a fruit that I never had planned on having. Though possibilities of having one is expected due to unprotected activities, I have never doubted my partner, not until he did it. From that moment on, I have known that it would give another life inside me.
I was young at the time, just graduated from High School and just had a job because my parents couldn't send me to college. We were both financially unstable and weren't prepared for parenthood. We have the choice to terminate the pregnancy from the first month. He had chosen to get away from the responsibilities by taking away a life, but I chose not to.
Though I have doubts with myself if I can raise her well, I stood up and claim to raise her alone in this world. It will be hard for the both of us in the coming years, but I decided to keep her alive and have her in my life.
His words still echoes to my ears everytime I recall those times. "Terminate it while it is still a piece of blood in your belly." That guy didn't seem to understand biology, pyschotic, and a hypocrite of his own belief. With those warnings that my workmates have told me and of all the red flags he had shown me, I couldn't understand why I had ever let myself get fooled when I think of him right now. When he told me that, I replied, "You're a religious person but you're a murderer... of your own blood and flesh!"
Of all the struggles I have gone through, I didn't listen and choose to have her. First, my daughter never have wished or asked us to be born in this world, it's our choice. There's never an accident if both sides have done it with the consent of each other; both parties are just irresponsible of their actions. I admit my mistake, that's why I help myself accountable of the life we have made. I took responsibility even though it would put my life to great disadvantage. I know the society would judge me. I know my family would be enraged by the news. Worst, they might have disowned such a disappointment like me. But I still decided to have my child despite everything, because it's not her fault that she was here. It's our actions and I have my fair share of that action. Thus, I'll take responsibility.
Another thing that against my principle is killing. Premature or not, a life is a life. No one have the rights to take one's life but the Creator, Himself. Let it ruin my plans or the society might judge me, I'll never make myself a murderer, especially of my own genes. I was put in a difficult situation for having it alone, but she became my blessings as she grows up.
Now, I have seen light at the end of the tunnel, got out of that dark void of depression, and I have been charmed by seeing her face everytime. I was elated just by hearing her laughter and capturing her sweet smiles. Not just that, she's our angel at home. Changing the gloomy atmosphere and fading the hatred in our hearts, we have all reconciled just for her sake. I was afraid that my family would disown me but turns out to be the one who will support us all throughout.
There are really mistakes that could born a situation that would test our principles and shake our ground. Even so, it's important to take responsibility and do what's right even if it's difficult thing to do. This happened to me 4 years ago. I made a mistake and it was unplanned, but I never regret to have her. If I ever have regrets, it would be the part that I met a coward guy which has been her father.
Well, anyway, we all moved on and I started improving my life for my baby. It's for the best and it wouldn't be healthy carrying hatred all the time, so I have forgiven him, he's still on a blacklist to be my friend, though. That's it, forgiven but access denied.
This is an entry to Sir @galenkp's Weekend Engagement.
If you have children - Why did you decide to have them, was it a difficult decision, did it take you long to decide and what were the driving factors? Explain why in a post of 300+ words - use images you took yourself if possible. (Photos/videos of you making the child are optional)
Feel free to join if you're interested.
All of the photos are mine unless stated otherwise.
June 17, 2023