Some days, the urge to not be is too strong. The feeling of needing to dull it all down, drown out reality. It's part of dismantling the walls that have protected me for so long. That helped me manage the status quo according to my strength. I'm a lot stronger now. So much stronger, it surprises myself.
I've pulled out countless bricks in the last years. One after the other. Tedious, painful, yet so liberating. It's a paradox in the metaphor, that it's so easy to build a wall, yet so exhausting to deconstruct. If you don't want to smash it, destroy it by force. Some people do. I can't. I'd drown. There's too much feeling behind them. I have to do it slowly. Brick by brick. Slowly connecting to my self again, my feelings, my inner being. I'm a master of the rationale, but sometimes perceive myself as a newborn when it comes to emotions.
Yet there are those days that I don't feel my strength. That it's overwhelming. Questions arise - was my pace too fast? It couldn't be. So many times, there is no alternative. No choice. It's a test, I tell myself. Another test. And I can't stand it, not always. There's no shame in that. I wished I already was further on my journey, able to hold head high for longer, without the need to numb myself, even for a while. I will get there, I know.
At least I try, I tell myself. As always, awareness on my own problems and failures makes me more aware of the same in others.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
I'm not religious anymore, but the bible does bring up some excellent quotes that should not be discarded. The thing with this one is that it's short sighted. Yes, we shall not judge the other for the mote in their eye, ever. No matter if we have a beam in ours or not. But there is something soothing in being with someone with the same problem, telling you "I recognize the mote in your eye because I have a beam in mine, and I'm trying hard to get it out."
The experience of others is worth a lot. Especially when they're aware. And I don't mean the fake awareness that Camus describes in "The Fall", the judge-penitent behavior that only says "Oh yeah, I have the beam, I know, but well look at your mote!" without ever wanting to work on the beam.
I'll work my beam down to a mote. I'm determined. I need to. I want to raise my child right, and "right" means without hypocrisy. Impossible, yes, but that doesn't absolve me from having to try. I owe it to her. To myself. To all those close to me.
Not today. Today I will fail, I'm failing already. And I allow it. For now. Not forever.
Post written for the #saturdayselections by Galenkp inviting us to share music in the Weekend Experiences community on Saturdays.
Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI.
There is something to this. I believe it is why I feel more comfortable around other older vets.