Hi dear readers! I’m taking a somewhat deep dive into my healing journey regarding my gender identity and expression. Specifically, I’m responding to the #weekend-engagement week 139 by @galenkp on the subject of loss.
Saturdate at a froyo shop 💜
If you’re interested in learning how I discovered my true self and navigated the effects of patriarchy on a person’s sense of self, then you’re welcome to thread on lightly.
Clearing up the definitions
Before we get started, we must know that gender has three dimensions. Cherry (2021) noted their differences:
- Gender is not the same as the assigned sex at birth. It refers to the social and cultural characteristics associated with masculinity, femininity, and nonbinary identities.
- Gender identity refers to their own internal sense of gender.
- Gender expression refers to how a person presents their gender to the world.
Essentially, it’s all about your deeply-held inner feelings of whether you see yourself as a female or male, both, or neither. Also, it’s how you show up to the world however you want to.
I would be talking about the patriarchy, so here’s a definition from the Asian Pacific Institute on Gender-Based Violence (2017):
“It is a system for maintaining class, gender, racial, and heterosexual privilege and the status quo of power.”
The reality is, patriarchal beliefs affect our gender identity since it “impose masculinity and femininity character stereotypes in society which strengthen the iniquitous power relations between men and women,” (Rawat, 2014).
Gender in the Philippines
Our country accepts only two genders, a man or a woman, due to the heavy influence of social, cultural, and religious factors – stemming from the patriarchy (Sikweyiya, et al., 2020).
To be otherwise makes you a target for discrimination. Pagulayan (2022) said members of the LGBTQIA+ community receive conscious or unconscious discriminatory or transphobic remarks in their daily lives.
Some suffered worse consequences for being different. Redfern (2021) said at least 50 transgender or gender nonbinary individuals were killed since 2010.
The LGBTQIA+ community is depowered by the patriarchy because there could only be two genders where men (the patriarchs) have superior power over women. There is a deep-seated ideology that the genders have roles: a man’s duty to provide and a woman’s obligation to her husband.
It’s a binding custom that limits both men and women to a set of character stereotypes.
And I don’t seem to identify with either of them.
The patriarchy and me
The patriarchy told me that I am a girl since I was assigned female at birth.
The patriarchy told my mother I should like pink and play with my dolls.
The patriarchy told my aunts I should sit pretty and act like a lady.
During fiestas, the patriarchy told me to help in the kitchen and be a helpful maiden.
During reunions, the patriarchy told me to swallow the body shaming of my relatives. And not to have too much food on my plate.
During recess, the patriarchy told me to be mindful of my skirt and not to run around.
At home, the patriarchy told me to watch rom-coms and chase after boys.
All these shoulds made me lose touch with my favorite colors, my favorite oversized shirt, my favorite hobby of running with the wind, laughing out loud, and not caring about my messy curly hair.
Or not caring if my clothes looked like a boy, or if I talked like a boy, or if I lit up when I saw a Barbie film. Or if I felt like I was a male anime character or a cute bubblegum girl the next day.
At one point, I had to lose my femininity because I was suffocated by the cultural expectations that come with it.
Although being feminine is a part of me, I needed the distance to evaluate how much of it was truly me and not just a patriarchal belief.
Discovering my true self
The first step to bringing back my sense of self is awareness. I learned about patriarchal structures, misogyny, racism, sexism, and feminism, which I still learn today. The most distinct “Aha!” moment was hearing the word “male gaze”.
It turned out that I was performing an unconscious feminine act to please men (another patriarchal effect). Since then, I promised to snap out of it whenever I get the urge to “pretend” I’m a girly girl.
The second time I felt like I was reclaiming myself was when I learned the term “queer,” an umbrella catch-all word for not being cisgender or straight. I didn’t know I could just be queer!
Then there was a moment when I realized that clothes don’t have a gender! They are just pieces of fabric sewn together that could mean nothing or everything to you.
So it’s okay if I wear jersey shorts.
It’s okay if I want to wear tech gear.
It’s okay if I want to wear a dress.
Facing my femininity again meant being empowered by my own choices. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm fortunate I feel safe enough to explore my gender - a non-binary hot mess!
Thank you for reading 💜😊
Let's make it safe for others too. You may want to educate yourself on the SOGIE Equality Bill and support the cause. Or begin with kindness - be a place for people to freely express who they are.
The images in this post are mine and are not for your use.
Ako nga minsan nakukumpara ako sa mga kaedaran na babae dahil babaeng babae sila mag-ayos at ako wala daw ako pake kaya daw wala nagkakagusto sa akin.Kahit babaeng babae ako nasabihan ako ng bisexual dahil hindi ko sila katulad na kikay at hilig ko mga gadgets. At kahit maging kikay o hindi may masasabi pa rin
Parang ang hirap bumagay no? Hahaha. Kahit anong gawa mo, may sarili silang take. Someday I hope we can just let them be and be unapologetically you! Thanks for commenting 😊 Nasa discord lang me if you want pag-usapan pa ito hahaha
WAAHH love this!
This reminded me of my 'aha' moment, too, when we had Gender Studies as one of our major subjects in college. It gave me a boost that all these stereotypes are just labels. It felt so freeing. I'm glad you feel safe enough to express and explore your gender, Ish!
!PIZZA
Trueee! Ang liberating lang na you don't have to be tied down by stereotypes or labels 🤗 You do you ika nga. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog 😍
Waaah! 😭 I feel guilty. This must remind me to let my children explore their gender. Sometimes kasi I tell them not to watch this coz that for boys or for girls. Do not play this or that coz it doesn't suit you coz your a boy or girl. 😭😭😭 This must remind me. Thank you ish.
Awwww please don't be too hard on yourself @bluepark 🤗 I commend you for catching yourself and I'm sure you'll be a better mom by being aware too. Thanks for commenting!
I gifted $PIZZA slices here:
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You look so beautiful in that dress sister, have a nice weekend
Thanks for stopping by 💕
You're welcome
We have the freedom to explore what we like especially our gender. Thanks for this reminder.
Exactly @missleray! 😊 You're welcome po 💜
I was once asked by someone why I care about supporting SOGIE rights and I often tell the story that I witnessed someone get beat up in school during high school. I identify as a cis-man and as an ally.
I studied in an all-boys school that was tough on the third gender. We had some that actively beat up people just because they identified as gay. So here I was pooping in the bathroom when I hear boisterous laughter as several people come in dragging someone who I could hear sobbing.
They were mocking this person and were smacking him around. Telling him to man up or else they were going to continue to beat him up. This continued on for some time and I just hid there because I was afraid of getting involved.
Eventually it was over and when I peeked out no one was outside. I knew the person and yet I did not get involved. I later learned that this person dropped out from school and I never saw him again.
It was not an isolated case though as this continued on with other people and like most we turned a blind eye. Even the school said it was just boys being boys. I think I found my voice on this matter when I moved to college. I got more vocal about this.
I joined organizations and while I can't say that I know everything I do try to learn as much as I can. I try to keep an open mind.
I am so thankful of what you shared and we all hope that people can be more kind and understanding.
We will continue to lend our voices and fight for the rights of everyone. SOGIE rights includes all.
"Boys being boys" - sadly, everyone is negatively affected by the patriarchy. It could lead to violence and your story is one of them. It's nice to hear that you found your voice, ako rin nung college lang din.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate that you're an advocate as well 😊💜
WOI!, I love rom coms.
cute ng eyebags mo. 😊
fine. cute ka na rin.
You chose to make your decisions by yourself just like it should be.
Many people are blinded by what others think about certain things and they never take a step by to ask themselves what they think about those things.
Everyone deserves to live their lives to the fullest and I'm glad you're on that track.
That's true @wongi, I hope everyone could have the freedom to express who they are without fear of judgment or discrimination. Thanks for the comment! 💜
We're slowly approaching a world like that. We have you as a evidence 😊
It's always a pleasure.
Expressing yourself the way you want is truly liberating.I am glad you know what you want and went for it.🤗🤗🤗🤗
I'm glad you are finally comfortable enough to wear whatever works for you on any particular day :) ...
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Lol get more women to use hive to upvote each other for philosophical and pyschological discussions and even hardcore controversial debates and lets see the hivepower role in for theraputic reasons
Imagine big twitter celebrities bringing followed here to each delegate 1HP to accounts like this
Lets see us get government money to power up and upvote and delegate to people for therapy
The phrase “kababae mong tao” was the thing I’ve always heard from my own mother and from the women (relatives) around me growing up. They’re your number one enemies when they should be your allies because of patriarchy. This country and the people still has a long way to go.
Same. Instead of helping one another, they're the ones who continue thee toxic cycle, but maybe it comes from a lack of awareness... So what do you do when you hear the phrase?
I try to ignore in na lang 😅 Or act even more like me hahaha.
Considero que cada quien es como es, pero todo esta en la formación cultural que a veces hace daño a los que no piensan igual. Pero poco a poco se va levantado ese vuelo, porque debemos ser quienes somos y listo, la vida es solo una. Muchas gracias por tu post y tu buena explicación.
Un abrazo
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I understand what you mean @eddylight - it's really better not to assume. I'm working on my confidence, so thanks for the reminder 💜
Exactly, why take the fun out of it? 😊