I went to Cebu last weekend (February 4 & 5) to watch Daddy Long Legs with a couple of friends.
The trip was supposed to make us feel the essence of the month of love. And honestly? It didn't disappoint.
I couldn't help but realize how much my short trip had a theme, and it revolved around FRIENDSHIP. Specifically, sisterhood.
Four significant things happened:
- I learned how to be a better friend
- I realized how much my friends and I have grown
- I made new friends and decided to learn how to make a lot more
- I prayed for the friendships that didn't survive
Before anything else, here's a bit of a background:
I made a promise to myself at the start of the year that each month, I will choose a word-- a single word-- which I will use as my theme for the entire month.
For this month, the word I chose to meditate on is the word "ENOUGH".
Last January, it was "RISE", and my December was the month of "STILLNESS".
I will little by little tell you guys the stories behind the past months' themes but for now, all I am going to say is that, they are there because this 2023 is going to be the year where I am choosing to embody LOVE-- the way the Scriptures describe it.
So as the story goes, I've already uttered a countless of prayers on how to do this year properly during the month of STILLNESS, especially with the matters of the heart. I asked specifically to the Supreme Being to heal the parts of myself that are broken, insidious, self-destructive, and whatever it is that is stopping me from loving people properly, and be loved in return.
I realized that could never love people properly no matter how much I want to if this heart of mine is broken beyond repair (or broken beyond what I can repair). This heart of mine needed an intense three-dimensional transformation. No amount of Kintsugi could ever get it working the way it should.
Eventually, I got my answers.
1. I got to learn how to be a better friend
On the way to Cebu, I recieved my first lesson:
"Dude, I only needed you to listen to me a while ago"
I looked up. I blinked. No wonder why she was so quiet. She had been sitting across the table from me, inside the ship. She was unusually mum, scribbling down notes on her notebook and her Bible in the last 15 minutes. This friend of mine (lets call her Q) is someone I have known and loved for 14 years. We have been very close friends since high school. We saw each other through countless breakups and breakthroughs, births and burials.
The moment I heard that, I realized she was right.
A while ago, she was expressing worry over another friend who is going through grief, I made the mistake of giving advice right away without making her feel heard first. And she didn't feel safe afterwards. I apologized because I know I could have done better in picking up her cues and should have held space for her right then and there but I didn't.
I kept reassuring her that I needed to hear what she said, and that she didn't need to feel guilty. I apologized, and asked if there was anything I could do. She told me what she preferred I had done instead, she offered suggestions, and she did it in such a way that was so gentle. There was no sign of sarcasm or scrutiny or resentment in her voice. It was as if she had already forgiven me, the moment she opened her mouth.
That was what was happening on the surface but underneath, I knew-- she was teaching me and showing me how to love her properly. And that was something I deeply appreciated because she was teaching me how to keep her longer.
It was such a rich revelation on my end because I've always thought I was a good listener, until recently. I guess this is somewhere worth improving on since I've always found being on the other end also quite suffocating as well.
2. I realized how much my friends and I have grown
Over the past few years, a lot of unprecedented changes took place in my close circle. One battled cancer and won. Two of us went through breakups and became single again. One friend is about to get married in the next few months. One sought help through therapy. Another one's bipolar symptoms came back, put a pause her Master's program, and started taking on meds again.
On my end, a lot of changes took place, especially in the family. I became a breadwinner. I gained a second job as a writer to help make ends meet (and that's the reason why I could hardly post anything in PeakD these days, let alone get enough sleep π ). All of us became very busy with our lives. I also started becoming more intentional than ever in my pursuit of peace, and determined in my walk with Jesus. He will be holding my hand in everything, and in everywhere.
I said goodbye to a lot of things that were distracting me--
Taylor Swift music and any music that was perpetuating my pain,
bad habits, alcohol intoxication, coffee addiction,
lingering on pain from my previous relationships,
especially hurtful words uttered by past romantic partners,
any potential romantic partner who posed as "friends" that I had started talking to,
pages on social media that I don't want to resonate with anymore,
old words and phrases in any form that inspired brokenness,
I even had to let go of well-meaning people whose brokenness exacerbated mine--
I let go of all of those, and made room for Jesus in the small (often abused) space that is my heart. This heart of mine was originally occupied by resentment, pain, anger, grief, heaviness, anxiety, and pride. But now, in the decluttering, I'm making room for hope... I'm making room for mystery, peace, and healing.
One of my closest friends even took notice of this. She made a comment earlier on how I turned from "someone who looked light and appeared very bright, but with very dark thoughts"
to "someone who looked dark, but with lighter thoughts" π.
That Sunday morning...
she gave me a ride on the way to Ayala, and we had a refreshing talk the entire time--
on what changed,
on what stayed the same,
and on what we hope for in the future.
I was hoping by this time, I was doing a better job of holding space for one of my friends properly π .
One part of the conversation that struck me was her asking if I still felt compelled to compete with them (my friends), or prove my worth, or be someone "important". She knew prior that I always felt the need to.
My friends were awesome, older, and WAY more attractive than I could ever hope to be. In my point of view, they had life figured out than I did. I always viewed myself as someone who had kept taking two steps back for every step forward. And this view of mine was feeding on my insecurities, and was so toxic on my end that I feel like it had been getting in the way in my relationships with them.
"Do you still feel that way?"
She asked the second time:
"Do you still feel that way?"
"Sauna ra (In the past, yes). Now? No."
I wasn't able to answer the first time. It took a while because I was still allowing the question to sink in. We hugged significantly longer for a while before I stepped outside the car. I hope she didn't notice but my eyes started to water behind my pair of glasses.
It was one of the most meaningful conversations I had in the entire trip, and it was one of the things I was super thankful for.
3. I made new friends and will learn to continue making a lot more
Another significant thing happened:
I was able to have coffee with someone I met through shared beliefs on social media. She's tall, headstrong, beautiful, a real go-getter of a financial adviser.
Take note, we never met prior, but had mutual friends in our socials. She was an alumna from the same university I went to. A Chemistry graduate, and prior that, a Chemical Engineering transferee. Thank you God of this vast universe that you still allowed people like us to meet as if it was such a small world. It makes things all the better π.
She reached out to me a day prior because of a post I shared on a social issue. I thought it would be a good idea to take her out on a coffee date while I was still on the island, and I am glad she accepted the invitation right away.
We talked about shared history, past relationships, our views on heartache, mental health, adulthood, encompassing views of feminism, and life and spirituality.
Apparently she's also like me who's taking a break from the dating market, a panganay, and is working towards building an empire.
She talked about being a financial adviser and meeting people. I talked about my kids at school, and why I continue posting reels on my Facebook feed DESPITE having multiple streams of income, chores, and other passion projects.
We both talked about adulthood and how circumstances forced us to taking steps away from our intended career paths to survive.
I really had fun, and I was very grateful despite the meet-up being very brief. I doubt though that it will be the only conversation I will have with her whenever I'll be in Cebu.
She mentioned on the how the meet-up was a "coincidence". She's from the south of Cebu, somewhere with a 2-hour travelling time. Thus, coming to the city was a heavy investment. It just so happened that that day, she will also be in the city. Everything was aligning on her end, as much as things were on mine. I would rather believe that everything was orchestrated, similar with other events that occured over that short span of a weekend.
I also met new friends in the faith.
While I was out visiting old friends, doing some weekend work, and meeting with new ones, the friends I was on this trip with, was facilitating a trauma healing session. I finally got to meet some of the people I heard so much of in person. We had laughs. We had chicken. We also ran through the rain in the middle of the night.
I could never thought of a better conclusion for that short weekend trip than what I had.
4. I prayed for the friendships that didn't survive
In the middle of travelling through a cold, rainy night in Cebu city, I thought of the friendships that didn't survive. I thought of the 'what if's', and 'what could have beens' if only they did.
I thought of the possibilities that could have taken place
if I didn't do this,
if I didn't say that,
if I held space a little while longer,
if I was more attuned to their needs at that time,
or if I just sacrificed my aching needs a bit longer,
maybe things could have worked out.
I thought that if I wasn't being so honest,
if I adjusted myself a bit more at that time,
if I didn't jump to conclusions,
or acted on my hurt, or acted on my pain,
and fear of abandonment and rejection,
maybe I would still be telling them all these stories,
or maybe, they'll still be in these stories with me.
So I continued to hold space for myself through that episode of grief and longing. I continued holding His hand in that very cold rainy night at Pier Uno. The rain cried along with me, and I just honestly prayed for each and every one of them under my breath.
I thought of the hurt,
I thought of the offense,
I thought of the betrayal,
I thought of the words they said that they could not get back,
and the gradual crumbling and eventual shattering of trust.
In my prayers, I somehow hoped they'll forgive me the way He did,
the way I'm also trying to forgive myself,
That somehow they'll know that I have already forgiven them,
and hope that they might start forgiving themselves as well.
Friendship is beautiful, right?
It's love in one of the most beautiful, earnest and purest forms, with a value more than what the world gives it credit for.
I hope love arrives on your end in the form of meaningful friendships.
I hope you get to have friendships that make you feel these things.
I hope you allow yourself to be human.
Some photos from last weekend
ABOUT THE PROTEAN CREATOR
Roxanne Marie is a twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She is a chemical engineer by profession, pole-dancer and blogger by passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She loves open discourse, witty musings, discussions about abstract and tangible ideas, and any opportunity where she can insert memes into the conversation.
She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning, and openly discusses the ideas and thoughts that are born from her experiences here on Hive.
Currently, she works as a science and research instructor for senior high school students and as a freelancing content writer in her hometown, Tagbilaran City, all the while documenting her misadventures, misfortunes, pagka-hugotera, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial.
If you like her content, don't forget to upvote and leave a comment to show some love. It would be an honor to have this post reblogged as well. Also, don't forget to follow her to be updated with her latest posts, and catch her next intellectual (and most of the time, untethered) rants.
ππ€π Great friends.. old and new.
As long as its forward.. I prefer 2 steps forward, 1 step back..
and u are the money maker now, so I thought it appropriate to end with this one, which talks about a very important money technique that it often ignored..
Hahhaahhaha YasSs!! $4VE D4T M0N3hH
πππ€
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I enjoyed reading it. The storytelling is really good.
Just a takeaway, there are friends that last for a lifetime, some for seasons, and there were those who become a lover then a stranger. At the end of the day, everyone we me and become friends is part of the story and who we are.
By the way, I like the idea of having a word prompt. It's really interesting, "One word, Many Stories".
Thank you for that @juecoree β€οΈ I honestly think that even lovers have to have that foundation of friendship.
That's what makes breakups all the more painful, because while you're also saying goodbye to the relationship, you're also saying goodbye to a best friend.
Dear @proteancreator !
I don't know much about friendship between women!
I don't know much about the secrets women share with each other.
I guessed that they would get together and discuss their concerns.
I guessed that maybe you are currently in a difficult relationship with your loved one!π¦
So, you may have had discussions with other women about the concepts of love and friendship!
We also had those moments when I had a boyfriend @goldgrifin007 π . Now, that I don't have one, my problems involve adulthood, goals, and in helping keep the family afloat πͺπ
Dear seΓ±orita @proteancreator!
Your candid answer surprises me a little!
I was surprised that a young woman as sexually attractive as you would say such a thing!
This is because East Asian women, unlike you, feel that it is shameful to talk about women's private lives!π―
East Asian women believe that telling other men about their breakup with their lover is mortally humiliating!
So, I felt that Filipino women were more honest than East Asian women, perhaps because the Philippines is Catholic!
So, Japanese and Korean men tend to believe that Filipino women are better marriage partners than women from Vietnam and other Southeast Asian countries.
Among East Asian men, Filipino women are rumored to be more trustworthy than other Southeast Asian women in terms of sexual purity because of their Catholic faith.
It's hard to write more sentences because I'm not familiar with English.
I was worried that maybe my awkward English might give you a misunderstanding.
So, I'll just say the conclusion!
I admired your honesty as a woman!π
I felt that I was able to discover the hidden image of a Filipino woman through you!
I hope your happy!
I suddenly asked myself if I already became a better friend. Haha
Hahaha it's a great question to ponder on no?
Your past weekend was very eventful with your old friends, your new friends and your reflections and prayers for the friendships that were lost along the way.
That theme of forgiving, feeling forgiven by others and self forgiveness seems very important to me, unforgiveness is like having a hole inside and I think many times the hardest thing to do is to forgive ourselves,
It is, and you cannot heal properly without doing all of those things. π
I'm glad you resonated well with this article π