My paternal grandma died last year. We(my parents and I) were home when the call came. What hit me first was shock that was laced in disbelief, closely escorted by memories from all the times that I spent with her.
If your grandma is like mine, then the memories were beautiful. They were of all the times she stuffed me full with whatever I wanted to eat, the tines she told stories, times of all her laughter, times of watching how gracefully she spoke and ate, the times when she'd pamper myself and my siblings and the rest of the younger family, times when she'd envelope me in the warmest, biggest hug whenever we went back to our hometown to visit, the times she prayed heattfeltly for me. Not one dull memory cane to mind.
My grandma was a happy woman. Very happy. People say, and I believe it too, that her disposition and childlike air to life did not give room in her for sickness. She rarely was ill. Importantly, she was a glue that bonded us together, so much that inspite of our geographical distances, we were together.
That day, that news broke something in me. For days, I could not believe that she was gone. I held myself together when the nes came cause I needed to be strong for my father who she dotted on and my mum whom she adored very much.
And not once, but a lot of times, I tried to picture home without her. But for every scene, she somewhat found her way in. I'll shake my head and go all over again in my head but along the line, she strotrs in, bearing the cheerfulness with her. She was home. Home to all and sundry.
You know what, one of the main reason why I looked forward to travelling to the village every single time was so I'd go see her. More than just saying it, I loved her. It might be a general, regular thing for grandparents to be all over their grandkids, I know. However, my grandma was extra.
So in that moment, I thought that maybe, this was the point where we all would no longer care to go home. Maybe this was the point where, although the family still stays united, we wouldn't get to see ourselves until some big event were to happen. Cause, frankly, Grandma was easily the one that pulled us all down.
Thoughts after thoughts ran through my mind. It freaked me, what endless eventualities for my family and over lives together that I could think of. I was terrified, to express myself in simpler terms.
I had lost my maternal grandma about five years earlier and although the family stuck, it's not been the same ever since. So you can understand my perplexion.
Fast forward to when her funeral service held and I felt shivers run through me. Although there were lots of people than usually was, so many people that one could not kep count of, so many who had cone to honor her, yet, the house felt cold. It was different. Grandma had a spot she'd always sir at behind the house. It was a cool place, but with her there, it mostly felt like you were in a gathering. This time, maybe because they had taken out her seat and all, I couldn't even tell where I was. Everytime i passed by therr and looked in that direction, my heart sank, my throat tightened. I always imagined that she was there, looking at me through lovely, lively eyes, assessing my movements to know if I was okay and to jump in and offer help if the need be. I struggled with wrapping my head around the fact that she was gone...forever.
Okay, at this point, I think I need to stop. Seems I'm digging in into parts that I should not. I didn't even know that I still hurt this much after all this time.
I wish she had stayed some more, but she didn't. She lived well though, to a good old age. One thing that I chose to do, moving forward was to live a quality life as she did(peaceful, cheerful) and much importantly, enjoy every moment that I get to spend with family.
Death seemed too far off, too weird when I was younger. But growing older, attending weddings, birthdays, naming ceremonies, I realized funerals would come up too. Amd it is scary. To think of who might be next amd what life would be without. It's all a baggage of feelings for me. Mixed feelings- of which not one is positive. Nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for this measure of loss.
Images are mine
Thanks for stopping by.
SOKA🖤