Writing something down gives it the opportunity to scare you. Writing something down gives you the opportunity to etch your thoughts, anxiety and fear into this moment, the next, and the next. If you read it back to yourself later, you can torment yourself with your prior lament, or perhaps, if you're lucky, realise your worry was misplaced.
However, in the grand, cold, indifferent universe, no life is special, but we are creatures of habit, full of little chemicals and hormones. We are also fools. We tell ourselves that we can fight back against the inevitable. That things will stay just the way they've always been.
We are creatures of familiarity. Those people and creatures that surround us each and every day become part of the mornings and the evenings, and they have habits. Some make you smile, some make you scowl. The absence of either of them is a cause for sadness.
Earlier this year, my first, and my only cat (so far), Mia had some medical concerns surrounding compaction. In short, the old adage of if you don't shit, you die. A few nights at the vet, a whole bunch of treatments, and a whole lot (really, far too much) money later, she was back home and back to her healthy self.
In the time Its taken me to type up to this point, I've watched her try to use the litter box several times. It is a mechanical litter box, sso each time she tries to use it, it cleans itself thereafter, and my phone gives me an alert. She's in pain, and hasn't asked for food tonight.
She's been getting little laxatives in her meals for the last week or so, parafin oil, and flaxseed meal, to help her poo, and today she got proper Cat Laxative. I hope this clears, because, for the age she is, surgery to solve this problem is not the sort of thing that she would be likely to survive.
I'm not ready yet. No one really is. My wife certainly isn't.
We are fools.
We tell ourselves that we can fight back against the inevitable. The only thing that is inevitable is loss. That is why every single moment with every single person, and every single thing that you cherish is so very special.
You never know when will be the last time you tell someone you love them. You never know the last time you'll hear a particular song. You never know the last time you'll see your smile in a photograph next to a smiling friend. They too, don't know when that last will be.
The last time the so called kitten (who is really an elderly, grumpy old lady) wanders down the hallway meowing a loud greeting that sounds a little like "aye-lo" at four to five in morning when you're trying to sleep and be ignorant of the impending alarm.
I speak of Mia in present tense, because she is not yet lost to us, as I type this, but I have known, and do know - and did know, from the day that she entered my life, that someday, she would be lost. I saw that as a way of breaking down the barrier to the inevitable.
I am a fool.
I told myself that I could accept the loss before I experienced the loss, but here I find myself, on the precipice of a loss-that-may be, but not yet is, but that will certainly be - trying to tell myself that I will be okay.
I recently wrote about the fact that I am not trained to deal with success. I always expect the worst outcome, and that is my way of proxying my sensitivities and vulnerabilities, shoving them into a Schrödinger derived box. If I front-load the grief, it won't be as bad when it finally arrives.
I am a fool.
It isn't just the cats in the thought experiment who are simultaneously alive and dead. It is every cat, in every box, in everyone's lap, rubbing up against your ankle in the street, and those looking up mournfully for food.
We're all alive, and we're all dead. It is just a matter of observation.
When the cat of my daughter died unexpectedly and way too young, I was so devastated. I would never ever had imagined that this loss would take me down that much.
Enjoy every day with her!
Sorry to hear. Mia is quite old, so it will come, but I don't think I'll ever be ready.
I hope Mia pulls through. It's so difficult, losing a pet. Though I don't think choosing to accept something into your life knowing it will become lost is foolish.
I do too, but inevitability is an old, sometimes unwelcome friend.
Love the cat and the hat outfit.
I don't think we can outrun grief, it's a measure of our love.
Hope Mia is okay.
I hope so too, it is so hard to know with cats, they're very stoic and do well to mask their pain and displeasure.
I think the laxatives have definitely worked, I've had a big clean up job to do this morning - which I am quite happy about.
🎵🎵Jayne! The Man they call Jayne! Oh, He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor. Stood up to the man and he gave him what for.🎵🎵
We had to put our family cat down just this last week. Sparked a whole lot of drama and probably a burned bridge in the family. I understand all too much...
Ha! You picked the beanie out of that photo?! A man of culture. I don't even know how to give you my condolences, so you have a word.
Love those pictures of you. So snuggly against the cold. Awaiting here for this storm to hit.
I don't know whether it's foolish or smart to have a pet knowing they will die. It's the same with humans, no? We risk our hearts knowing it's impermanent, but fool ourselves into believing it's forever, as if turnign away from the knowledge will keep the fact at bay.
But like with people, with cats and dogs and hey, budgerigars or hamsters, it's all the same. We love because we're built that way, and the reward is great.
We had a bit of the storm last night. Was a good dousing of water. Nothing overly dramatic. Being closer to shore, you might get it worse.
The reward is fantastic. Nothing quite like getting a face full of fur and allergens. It is rather unconditional.
True love is.
I'm in Geelong, at work. Think it'll hit as we drive home.
Wind has hit now. Drive home should be fun. Jamie's driving thank god - I do NOT like driving the van in the wind. He's an excellent driver and I trust him with my life.
Be a safe passenger :)
Love is fantastic, Love is all that matters.
and yet, we are grieving more and more, like a dead flame that is still giving us warmth.
sometimes i try to love less, using distance or bad thoughts...but it doesnt work.
my mum has stopped eating, i will give her a last kiss but the memory will never die.
one of my cats died this summer, excrutiating pain.
i dont care to hear we have to accept the loss, i dont..
Mia is so precious 🤍
coconut oil helps.
diatomaceous earth half a tiny teaspoon a day in her meal.
some red meat
I wish i could give her acupuncture... find this way of healing.
Big Hugs.
She has parafin oil, a mix of hemp and flaxseed meal with her food. She doesn't like human food all that much.
She is feeling better than compared to this morning, so with any luck she will keep improving. :)
My dark mind was thinking the man was going to perish on the Piano at the end of the clip.