I love what you did here. Seems like you gave yourself a challenge to write this allegory and just went for it. The ending is also sweet af, and I personally like it over the original. 😂
Also, and I'm the last guy to talk about this, it seems like you have issues with tense (question-mark). I say I'm the last guy because my tensing is horrendously bad, 😅 so I might be talking nonsense here. But it felt off, like you would start the sentence in one tense, then lose it halfway through, then return to it at the end. The first paragraph is a good example of this.
I rarely give out advice I am not sure of, so I open myself to ridicule here. 😁 Hope to read more from you. 👍
Good to know! Always strive to be better. 🙂