Hi, Hiveans!
I'm happy to write short stories again in this lovely community, #TheInkWell, run by @jayna, @agmoore, and @gracielaacevedo. This time the prompt is "Railroad"; you can check on the details here.
It was challenging for me, which is good. There's no progress in life without that +1 we must assimilate. I've never seen a train in real life, only in movies. I had to make a great effort to stop thinking about Lumet's Murder on the Orient Express (1974), Zemeckis'The Polar Express (2004), Bong Joon Ho's Snowpiercer (2013), and other movies and the books... because anything that I could write was never going to be as good and entertaining as those works, and it made me feel unmotivated. Worst writer's block ever.
Fortunately, I got to figure out a story, and here's my "exercise." My fellow Hivezen, I hope we can share impressions about your writing and mine. I'll be happy to read your story and your reading is much appreciated.
Push
Maria José spotted the train in the distance and thought she had plenty of time; it’d take its sweet time arriving at the station two miles away, and this was a good distance for it to get up to speed again. It wouldn’t be like always; this time Juan was not there to tell her jokes and make up stories about the places they would visit if they had a million dollars, while she pretended to be amused and unworried about their chances in life because she loved him that much.
Pixabay
She walked towards the place where the train had hit her boyfriend, Juan. It had hit him really hard, killing him on the spot. She examined the structure, trying to go back to that moment and get into his skin; she knelt on the sleepers and caressed the steel rail softly like it was part of him; she felt the ballast among her fingers, wondering if he was still there. She lay down between the tracks, expecting to learn something about the circumstances of his death, something that helped her understand him and, perhaps, stop feeling guilty.
Her eyes looked up at the sky while her neck pressed against the hardness of the steel; she remembered his father slapping him on the back of his neck and back, Move, boy! It was getting dark already, and she felt the weight of the night hovering over the lonely steppe. The train had been scheduled to reach the town at six and leave an hour later again; it was six forty-five. An early full moon surprised her; it was a nice still frame to take to eternity. Juan must've felt this lonely and scrutinized by this sky, she thought.
PublicDomainPictures.net
Three days ago Juan had committed suicide. The railroad that would take him away to distant lands of magic finally did it at 7 p.m. The morning of that day, they’d had an argument. María José tried to make him understand once more that it was too soon to become parents. She was nineteen and had left school three years earlier to work; through those years, she never gave up on her dream of finishing and going to college. She was only two weeks late, but she was sure about what to do in case she was actually pregnant. When she told Juan she had made up her mind, he got angry. He was a child, too; he’d turn twenty next month. She would expect him to be afraid to become a parent, but no; he kept on repeating, this could be a sign, something that destiny sends us to have a reason to go on, to keep trying. She didn’t understand it then, but she did now.
The wave propagation made the ground shake, and she vibrated with it, too, but the loose sandy soil offered little resistance, making it feel more like resonating than shaking. Her body liked it; her ideas of Juan and the guilt trembled and escaped her conscience, so her blood began to feel warm again. The silvery moon looked at her soul with her one round, huge eye illuminating every secret, every regret. She felt naked and clean.
The railroad tracks leaded away from her town and the only life she’d ever known. The train would take her finally and end the pain, the purposelessness; no more blinding daylight, no more struggle, no more push. That was how he felt. It was so much like him, thinking of unreal solutions. He was just a kid; he’d always be a kid.
She got up and saw the train pass before her. It hit her hard and killed her on the spot. The moon had witnessed it. That day the girl died and she became an adult. Life pushes you like that. She’d take a bag the next day, buy a train ticket and go forward with a purpose, little money and important decisions yet to be made.
Thanks for reading.
This is lovely. It makes me really happy and want to keep writing. Much appreciated, @theinkwell :)
A beautiful story full of precise images of the world around the train tracks. Also of metaphors about the variation of feelings.
I liked this one very much:
The symbolic death of a girl to become a woman (An Act of Passage on a train track; fantastic application of one of the "laws" of myths).
She will be left with the memory of Juan, who could not grow up.
I appreciate your reading, @gracielaacevedo. You know I have met suicidal people. I thought about one specifically; he was always trying to engage in some project; he never finished anything but he was always dreaming.He was like Juan. As for María José, well I know many; they are strong and they have to move on. This yin/yang motive helped me out when I was really, really stuck.
Thanks for encouraging me to come back to my story writing :)
Suicide is such a difficult subject! I really liked how you made us see Maria's death and then told us that it was symbolic. Great solution
Hi, @marlyncabrera.
A well-written story with elements of tragedy.
You take the reader to a tension that is resolved with a symbolic death and the spiritual rebirth of the character.
As we finish reading we want, as readers, that Maria Jose can keep her soul clean to withstand the gaze of the moon that knows how to examine everything.
Thank you for posting this story in the Ink Well community. Be sure to read the work of other writers in the community and share comments with them. We urge everyone who posts on The Ink Well to take this step, in the future, to ensure that our community members support each other. (We also have this in The Ink Well community rules on our home page and in our weekly writing prompts.)
Thank you!
Thanks a lot, @theinkwell team. It was challenging because I'm not familiar with real trains or railroads, and although there are a million ways to approach this motive, I had a hard time trying not to feel like an intruder. Besides, it was hard to engage in English writing again, so I'm still editing details. But I'm happy with the result, though, humbly happy. I didn't want to resolve the pregnancy dilemma because it was unnecessarily controversial, so I left the tension on that issue suspended. The moon should tell later.
Thank you so much for keeping this space, and yes, I have been reading the work of the other writers in the community and hopefully will be exchanging some ideas regarding our writing.
Hello @marlyncabrera,
You may never have seen a train, but you have seen human pain. Your insight into that pain illuminates this story.
Escape. There are people who ease into life comfortably and only wish to emulate the experience of their parents. And there are people for whom life has never been a comfortable fit. In these people the idea of escape becomes a driving force. But, it takes energy to formulate a plan, to move forward. Maria Jose has that energy. Juan does not. He uses the energy of the train to take him away from an existence he cannot tolerate.
This is a wonderful story. This week we write about cats. Looking forward to your 'cat' story.
Thank you so much for your reading and thorough comment, @agmoore. Human pain has become popular worldwide these days, so it's not difficult to use some of that experience. We've had lots of suicides in my country because of the economical crisis (most of them men, btw); when they are married men, their wives are left with huge responsibilities and they have to deal with that. I've seen some of that lately; I guess it crept into my thoughts.
Working already on my cat story :)
Oh, how wonderful. You did join us again! I'm so glad, @marlyncabrera. I've burned through my voting power today, so I will be back to read tomorrow.
It is wonderful indeed for me to join in. Much appreciated, @jayna :)
Lovely story, @marlyncabrera. It had my heart racing. There is very little as frightening to me as an oncoming train. I like how you left it a bit ambiguous as to whether she was making the choice to end her life or just trying to experience what Juan had experienced, lying there with the train coming. (Or at least that is how I read it.) Young love is so heart-breaking.
Hi, @jayna and thank you so much for reading my story. I think Maria José is just young and has gone through a lot; she loved Juan so much that perhaps at some point she considered suicide, but her sensitivity helped her in the end. Also, perhaps she will consider keeping her baby now; who knows. Young people like changing their minds. I wanted to portrait two good young people who figured out life in opposite ways. Maria José is a fighter. Juan was helpless.
"An oncoming train" ...Well, I was reading so I could know more about railroads and get into my story, and the idea of an oncoming train is terrifying. They are huge long metallic beasts, like unstoppable dragons. I think this is not going to be my last story about railroads.
Thanks again :)