A Beautiful Beginning, A Quiet Ending. (CNF)

Well, I happened to meet her on a very sunny afternoon. We weren't studying the same thing, but then there's this particular course we always do that makes us come together since that lecturer won't teach us differently. The lecture hall is usually filled up on such days, with everyone sweating due to the overcrowdedness and lack of ventilation. Some who are late will be standing, some will sit on the floor, and some on the window. That course happens to be one you can't afford to miss because the man takes attendance, and he's very, very strict.

So, that afternoon, we sat together; that was my first time seeing her. I brought out one of the light notebooks I have and began using it to fan myself. Well, she needed it too, so she moved closer to me so she could really feel the air. I noticed and looked at her; she just smiled and said, "Thanks." I understood what she meant and returned it with a smile. Not long after, the class ended, and as I was about to get up, I felt someone tap me. I glanced back to find out it was her. I was expecting it to be one of my classmates, but there she was, looking me in the eyes, smiling, and looking extra cute. I was lost admiring the beauty that had tapped me. It was as if I didn't see her well the other time she said, "Thanks." It was her voice that sent me back to the present as she said, "I don't know if you can lend me your note, please; everywhere was too cramped, and I wasn't able to write." Without thinking about it or even asking how I would see her to get my note back, I just dipped my hands inside my bag and gave it to her.

The following week, when we had the same course again, we were there sitting together; she was even the one who helped me with a space before I arrived. After lectures that day, we went to one of the school cafeterias, as I was very hungry. She said she was too, so we went together. And that was how our friendship began. About two weeks later, I saw her in my church. I was amazed; she attends a different church outside campus. Well, I happen to be one of the excos in church, and I was also assigned to be the one in charge of first-timers, so I talked with all of them, gave them the little thing that was prepared for first timers and that was all. I didn't want to act like I knew her or treat her differently, but within me I was happy. I had to rush it all since we, the excos, were having meetings in one of the church's offices. When we were done, I stepped out and found her still sitting down there, alone.

Well, I was forced to go to her. I smiled and shook hands with her and asked, "Why are you still around."

"Ahah, are you not my person? I was waiting for you naw." She replied.

"Waiting for me? What if we took longer than this." I asked again.

"Well, I'll wait till whenever you're done." She said that, giving me that very charming smile.

I was lost for words already. We stepped out, and it was then she told me she had left the place she was staying outside campus and is now staying somewhere; the place was just a two- to three-minute walk from my own place. We laughed, and I asked if I should be expecting more of her in our church and if she loves our service. ",I don't need to answer that." That was her response, and I knew that was a yes.

And somehow, that was how she became my person; she became that person I go home together with every day, she became that person who waits for me after service on Sundays, and she became that person I told everything. And she has this lightness about her, coupled with her always smiling face. And sincerely, she's beautiful. It's not as if I didn't have friends before I met her; I do, and I still maintain my friendship with them, but she just felt like home to me in a different kind of way.

But then, the "win" part of our story came easily. And the loss, slowly.

There was a day like that; it was a Sunday. After we were done and all, I just saw her pick up her bag and go her way. I quickly dashed out to ask her why she wasn't waiting for me. Her response was, "Toyosi, I would just love to walk home alone today." Well, I didn't want to stress her; maybe she's down or something. I can always branch by her place when going, so I just said, "Okay."

Little by little, that was how it began. I began noticing various changes, the odd attitudes, and the way she responds to me at times. I'd just laugh it off, thinking and telling myself it's nothing to worry about. Some weeks later I met her in class, sitting with some other people; she's stopped helping me with space since. After class that day I asked if we could read together like we always do, but she declined, saying, "I want to read alone today." That moment I was hit, she didn't whisper it to me, she said it loud enough for others to hear. At that moment, it felt like the volume of our friendship that was loud has been reduced.

And believe me, I went on being the loyal and good guy that I am. Several times I've called and asked her if I had offended her, maybe unknowingly, and her response has always been a "no, I just needed some space for myself." Even still, I kept checking in while trying to adjust my own schedule just to fit into hers. I visit, buy her things at times, rush to her hostel when I hear she's sick and get her medications, and I even helped her with some of her assignments when she was sick.

One particular evening after our midweek service. I waited for her outside so we could go home together and maybe talk and kind of iron whatever it is out. But she came out with two other guys and a lady; she saw me, and the only thing she could say was, "Ohhh, hi." It sounded so casual, as if we didn't use to talk before, as if there wasn't a time when we shared things together and laughed.

But, like I said earlier, I was loyal. And that was my weakness.

One particular day, I went to visit her at home because she wasn't in school; it was even raining. I knocked, and she answered, but guess what? She opened the door halfway and blocked the door with her body, thereby denying me entrance. I just smiled and said, "I only wanted to come check in on you since you weren't in school and..." She didn't let me finish my statement before she cut me off and said, "Toyosi, please don't come to my room unannounced again." The tone in her voice was final. I didn't know what to do or say, but since she's still standing by the door, I decided to press on.

"What did I do wrong." I asked her.

"Nothing, I...erm, I just needed some space, not just from you, from everyone. So, don't take it personally."

But then, I already did; I took it personally.

I left her place looking sad. Tell me, why won't I take it personally? We were having an online meeting that night in our excos WhatsApp group. It was unlike me; I couldn't utter a word. I was just thinking about her. They asked for suggestions, and all, of all people, just kept mute, which was unlike me. I can't wrap my head around how a person can go from "You're my person," to "Please don't come again."

And for days, we only greet each other. I withdrew myself, I reduced checking in, I stopped hovering around her, and I just focused on my own life. I focused on those various things that were mine and all those things that made sense even when people seemed to distance themselves. Well, I never thought or believed she would try to come back or ask to see me, but she did after the last Sunday service we were to have in school before vacating.

"I'm sorry. I know I hurt you. I was going through things back then, and I don't know how to explain." She said.

"It's alright." That was all I could say.

"I mean it, I'm sorry. You don't deserve such treatment, not from me" she replied.

I just smiled

But then, it wasn't what it used to be. It's true we had a history, but now, it's obvious we no longer have a future. I had already moved on and accepted the fact that not every friendship is meant to last. This was just meant to be for a time/season/moment and not for a lifetime.

So, I won. I won companionship, warmth, and all, while losing such illusions, expectations, and a piece of myself I shouldn't have given away so easily, but then, I was able to gain something better. I now have a clearer sense of who I am and what I deserve. Now I know when to stop trying to keep someone who's already letting go.

And that's the thing about life.... You win some, lose some. And there are times those losses are the real wins.

Images are mine.

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