I stopped at a vendor because heavy rain suddenly fell. I shelter and wait for the rain to stop. A heavy rain gives me so much fear. It's like I'm in a trauma that will never be forgotten in my thoughts even though I'm older. That's why every time the rain will fall it makes me sad. I became emotional while watching the rain falling in slow motion in my thoughts. All of a sudden I was surprised when a child suddenly asked me.
"Hey, mister."
"Yes?" I replied as I went down to match his height.
"Do you know where to go to Heaven? I have saved money to use in going there."
Sadness struck my heart. I was like this long ago or maybe worse.
"Sorry, I don't know either. I wanted to go there as well because a special someone is there."
I don't want to make the child sad so I just copied his thoughts. But all of a sudden his wiping his eyes. He does it faster and faster until he really cries.
"My Father was there long ago and he never returned. I'm just worried if he was not lonely because I and Mother are not there for him."
I looked up first before trying to answer him. I prevented myself from crying because I'm touched by this poor child.
"You don't need to go there. Just wait in time."
I said it with a smile but my teary eyes started showing what I feel.
"Sorry mister for my son." His mother suddenly shows up and gets him.
I just answered her with a smile and I left. The rain stopped so I continued walking but the boy hit me hard. He reminded me of who I was before or what I was. I'm just like him who was longing for someone special. At my younger age, I never knew who my mother was. It's only me and my mother back then in a scrappy house made from defective galvanized iron, sacks of yeast, and bamboo trees. I'm walking with a heavy heart as I remember what happened yesterday when I was young.
"Papa, the rainwater came through our roof."
"Wait son, I will cover the hole with thick paper."
My father covered the hole and the rainwater stopped flowing from the roof.
There was a storm back then that created heavy rainfall. Since our roof was made from a nipa hut. A hole is easy to make on it with just stone or strong wind. How could I forget those days if that was the time I saw my father crying. It was very cold back then and my body was shaking because of it. My father was busy covering the holes in our roof. I saw him crying maybe because was tired of that pathetic life.
"Father, I'm hungry," I said to my father when I woke up.
"Father---?" I wonder why he didn't answer.
"Hey, father---father---"
As a 10-year-old boy, I could tell what's going on. My face started frowning. My eyes got wetter. My voice couldn't make a sound that I wanted to speak. I was like deafening by the silence.
"Father---hey, father. Please ---,"
Those words were only I could say after hugging the cold body of my father. My father was dead in front of my eyes. I heard it was a week that he felt hotter. My neighbor said he wanted to go to the hospital to have a checkup. He refused to do so because we did not have money. I saw him pale and looked weak but I never thought it was that serious. Maybe got wet from the rain and felt cold from that typhoon was the reason. I had nothing to do but cried watching my father have no life.
"Why am I remembering the past now?"
In my thoughts, while letting the water flow through my eyes. I arrived at my house because the rain never comes back on falling. Even though heavy rain will still fall these days I'm not afraid anymore. I have a beautiful house and thanks to Mr. Claus.
A week after when he learned about what happened to my father. He took care of the burial and everything. He was a buyer of fish from my father and became a friend. He's nice that he allows me to stay in his care. He even sent me to school but in return, I became a house boy. Although he didn't ask me to be but I just decided because I was ashamed to stay in their house like his child.
I became a professional but my past is not easy to forget. Even though it's painful, it still gives me so much happiness. It's part of me that made me who I am now.
END...
mrnightmare
This is a sad story, and sad stories for me, are the best stories. They stick to mind and make me feel more emotionally attached to the protagonist than a happy story would.
However, two things would make this story better than it currently is.
One of it is a more proper translation (I am assuming that it was originally written in another language because of some of the terms and phrases used). Compared with others I have seen though, this is a very good attempt at translating to English, and I commend you for that.
The second thing would be some sort of reveal. Personally, I call it a kick, you could call it an X factor, or the crux of the story. For this story for instance, a reveal could be a subtle way in which you find out that the boy and the man are one and the same person. It would "kick" the senses and may force one to go back to read again.
Altogether, I see you are getting better.
Cheers to more!
Very true, I was focused on the story of protagonist and by that stopped me from changing the flow of it.
Yeah, the I'm not a native English speaker so some words are not very well in translating it.
By the way, I'm amazed by your words and advice. I'm open for criticism or just a simply observation from other people.
Thank you very much. I'm honored with your time.
A story about the beginning of the resolution of a trauma whose sign is nostalgia for the rain. The clear content of the boy's sadness makes the protagonist locate the cause of his own sadness in the conditions of his father's death. Perfectly understandable feelings that are on the way to being assimilated in the present.
A very credible picture you have sketched, @mrnightmare.net.
Please be sure to read the work of other writers in the community and share comments with them. We are urging everyone who posts in The Ink Well to take this step, going forward, to ensure our community members are supporting one another. (We also have this in The Ink Well community rules on our home page and in our weekly writing prompts.) Thank you!
Thank you. It's protagonist who can't forget the past even though it gives so much pain because there's a sweet memory that can't be returned.
Rain. Rain sets a mood, and in your story it becomes a unifying theme. The rain falls when you meet the mourning child. The rain brings you back to the moment of your father's death. Rain and tears, fall together.
You have done a very, very good job here @mrnightmare.net, of creating a scene and plotting a story. I was greatly moved.
Usually, rain always give me mixed emotions. Either sadness or happiness. I created a story where both of it can be together.
Thank you by the way
It worked very well:)
Very interesting how you tie the past and the present together through the encounter with the child. I loved that part of your story. Though it was sad to read about the child's loss, it was so touching how he wanted to find his way to heaven to check on his father.
Yes, because once in his life he thought of it as well. The writer felt the same so he decided to add up a scene like that.
Thank you for dropping by.
Your content has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!
Use Ecency daily to boost your growth on platform!
Support Ecency
Vote for Proposal
Delegate HP and earn more
Thank you much for the support.
The story is so touching.Specially the conversation with the child.
I did it to be catchy because it's in the first scene.
Thank you by the way.