There is no one path to finding oneself. How many religions are there in the world? People seek the truth and they seek an understanding of their place in the cosmos. Some questions never have a certain answer, but you seem to find a truth of your own in this essay. People who love you. These people will listen. They may not be wiser than you are, but talking to them and listening to them may help.
We wish you good luck as you search for a way forward in this stressful time in your life. You are able to reflect on the quandary in which you find yourself. That is a hopeful stage of your journey.
Thank you for sharing this thoughtful piece with us, @idlemind. Your honesty and frank tone add to its strengths. Have you engaged with at least two other members of the community? Thank you!