I really got caught up in your Narnia world, @ubani1! Great storytelling. I really like the main character who narrates the story. She is smart and strong-willed. You did a great job with character development.

My one correction for you is the word "you're" which should not go at the end of a phrase or sentence. You can say "You're silly," or "I'm not sure if you're the right one for me," or "you're not wearing that on a date, are you?" But the contraction of "you are" cannot be used in all contexts. I'm not sure how to explain the rule, but if you remember not to put it at the end of a phrase or a sentence, then you should be fine! And if you're not sure, just use "you are." :-)

These instances need to change to "you are":

They say love doesn't care who you're

How much your money can bid in the auction market tells how wealthy you're.

I hope that helps!

Thanks for sharing this intense Narnia story in The Ink Well, @ubani1. Your stories show great imagination, and are entertaining as well. This one shows that prejudice and systems of class exist everywhere, even in fantasy worlds. And you showed that very well.

One thing we urge you to think about is how to make sure that you resolve the story conflicts you introduce. In this one, we find that the brother has embezzled money and wants to use the house as collateral. This is not resolved. The narrator falls in love with the faun, and this line too is left unresolved. The story is still strong and a good read! But our tip for you is that readers will enjoy your stories more if you complete each conflict with some kind of resolution. It's an important storytelling skill, and is something readers expect. Otherwise, they are left feeling unsatisfied at the story's end.

Good luck and keep writing!

I love the character; I love the world. I was enthralled all the way through. 👍

And most of the things that made me check myself were you obviously experimenting with style and such. And experimentation is never a bad thing. So keep honing dem skillz boi. 💪

 9 months ago  Reveal Comment