The wolf scratches at the wall of my early morning dreams. I have to get up to ease her. She's the flighty one that needs to move. As much as I breath to settle her down she won't hear of it and whines and scratches at my brain. I can't sleep in - the dawn and chill air and promise of surf might ease her bloodlust but on this morning it's blowing easterly so she's restless and antsy, anxious and in pain.
I try to summon her sister. She's more easeful, confident and calm. She's strong and persistent and runs alongside us as we go up the track.
I have to wait with them both at the top of the hill for Jamie to catch up. With the ebike I'm faster of course. I try the Ganesha mantra every time my brain tries a new alarm trick. This week has been hard. Despite my best intentions I've been feeding the jitter wolf. I pull out all the tricks. Name what I see, the texture of the grips iny hand, the chill wind on my face. Om gam ganapatye Namaha. Breath in, outttttt. The wolf wants to eat my skin, to turn me inside out.
We stop at the top of the long climb and share a protein bar. Jamie adjusts my seat and gives me some gloves against the cold. The wolf sits and waits. The strong wolf πΊ is fed by Jamie's encouragement and enthusiasm and by my mantras. It is insanely hard to turn your wolf thoughts away from themselves. They are cage trapped, hungry, wearing a path at the edge.
The strong wolf, the capable, worry free one is limping but she's doing it. The other one snaps at her and she winces but keeps going. Remember, she says, the doctor who said I should reconsider cycling at 'my age'? The anxious wolf is reprimanded and pulls back as we hit 50 km an hour down the hill. My real hands stay on the handlebars and my imaginary ones stretch out wide to the road.
On the home stretch we cross and weave round puddles, czssschhhh in the puddles. I am not feeding the jitter wolf, I am not feeding her, I am not. Om gam ganapatye namaha. In breath, out breath. Sky, water, grips.
You're smiling, Jamie says, and I am, though I'm not happy yet. The frustrated, angry, fatigued wolf has a way of keeping up. It'll take a lot of work to starve her.
The good wolf finds wood blewitts on the home stretch and we salivate about mushroom burgers with hot chips when we get home. I whizz up the last of the pickled beetroots for relish.
The calm wolf πΊ rolls herself on the couch in the sunshine and is ready to doze a while.
The jitter wolf is still out running, and running, panting, the blood wailing in her head. She will be home soon, but at least I have a little respite.
With Love,
Excellent! You are such a wonderful writer! With this one, I feel both your hopes and your pains.
I looked up the symptom Delusions of Wolves in my homeopathic materia medica. Belladonna remedy might help you sleep after a month or two. Worth a try, no? Belladonna 200c, every other day.
Thanks so much! I'm struggling to write at the moment as I'm struggling enjoying being online much.
It wasn't so much a delusion than leaning into the parable. If it helps me sleep though, I'd be interested! Struggling a bit at the moment.
I know you weren't seeing wolves, but you kinda were. And I was.
There are hundreds of remedies that can help sleep issues. IN most cases, Belladonna is not the best remedy to try first, unless dreams of wolves are a big reason you don't sleep well.
In many cases, taking Ignatia amara 200c, twice a day, helps with sleeplessness especially if the sleep issues are accompanied with anxiety, grief, and/or depression. It helped me after a couple/few weeks. It does not work like xanax, but could very well ameliorate the condition somewhat in a few weeks, sometimes sooner. I'd definitely start with that.
I promise I'll look out for ignatia here.. it used to be common to have the homeopathic remedies on shelves in pharmacies but most now taken over by bigger companies and I haven't even seen them in our local health food stores for years either. Sadly they are catering to masses and not as independent as they used to be.
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What a ride. Glad you were able to out ride the jitter wolf. Sometimes we need to defy the docs and keep on going. :)
Those shrooms and burgers sound like they will be really good.
Nowy lungs are killing me... Overworked and pollinated? But I'm going to have a good night's sleep and hope I'm not in too much pain... Ah life!
But it was a good, good day and I'm grateful for a husband who helps me all the time by getting me out and moving..three days ago I was on the couch in fetal position bawling, and he made me walk. And look, with his flat Cap on too.
Is your hip still bothering you? So sorry you are in that type of pain. That is horrible. It is so good you have Jamie. He is a good fella. Love the flat cap.
It's a long and winding story. I'll tell it some time. I've moaned about it enough that y'all deserve an update on the pain π
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STOPKudos to you for winning that great battle. The bad wolf must not be fed.
Always smile, they say itβs a good sign for our silly brain. π π§ β¨
I'm generally a happy person, just struggling a bit currently. The bad wolf is being tamed, just takes an effort.
Oh, what an exhausting cycle trip while wrestling with two wolves, but ah... you're smiling. Love to see that. Love that Jamie is keeping the good wolf strong and well-fed.
No other long words, just warm hugs... and just like you said, we can be sad and happy too.
I hope the shroom burger was bomb and that you slept well. β€οΈβπ©Ή
Yes, taking the joys with the lows xx hopefully I can keep that bad wolf (I've named her Lupa) under control.
Naming the jitter wolf... that's brave. Hope you're feeling so much better..let'z crash in for the weekend. π
Well, at least you look happy despite your anxiety and sleepless nights. I sure hope you can break that cycle quickly.
Fake it til you make it!
What an incredible landscape and a great trail with a few challenging spots. Your bikes look like they can handle the challenge. Are there any dangerous creatures or critters in the area?
In summer there are snakes that can get tangled in the spokes but that rarely happens if you are attentive, thank fuck. But that's it. No bears or wolves in reality! Australia only has the dingo, but not down here, and they generally keep clear, though they've been known to attack on fraser island up north where they are used to tourists.
Snakes in spokes? I just unlocked a new fear π At least that part doesn't have big dangerous predators, so it's relaxing. While I enjoy being in nature here, I'm always on alert mode π»
From bears? Just insane.
I honestly don't know why people say Australia is scary when you have bears...
There are several possible key threats here when hiking: bears, cougars, and coyotes. Wolves too if you're in the backcountry. They could be hiding anywhere along the trail, so it's important to have deterrents like pepper spray, bear bangers, etc. So right from the beginning, you have to be thinking about potential dangers and how to deal with them. To fend off a bear, you have to know its colour. A cougar will grab you by the neck, so you might need to Judo it off you. Coyotes will snipe at you from the bushes. And wolves will wait for you at Grandma's house, or so I hear. By the time you make it to the trail, you're all pumped up and ready for a fight. But it's also very relaxing
Absolutely mental. I have no idea why Australia gets such a bad rap. That sounds like my nervous system about to spontaneously combust.
π
Specially in the old days prior to the Internet, I think Canadians had an almost superstitious belief about Australia's dangers. It was likely fueled by this gentleman's popularity.