There are some things I want to write about but don’t know how to share.
The desire to lash out at the past.
It’s one thing to have no regrets and another thing to feel no regrets
I feel like I’ve let go of all my unnecessary suffering.
But there are still open wounds that need to heal.
Meanwhile I see suffering in fake smiles and platitudes. Why should I care? They claim to be happy, so why can’t I let them be? Why do I still want to help them?
If I get down to the most selfish reason, its that I know the world could be full of much more joy, real joy that makes you shiver when you touch it. i want to experience it.
I don’t want to let it slip past, and I don’t want it to take 200 years for us to get there.
I want to be alive in this body and still healthy enough to explore it at that time.
It’s hard to figure out where my frustration comes from sometimes. It used to feel like it came from the outside hut now I can feel it from the inside. It’s as if the same feelings exist either way and choose which reason to use after the fact.
It’s like i was meant to feel this way and the world and I decide together how to make me feel this way. It’s hard not to feel like a victim.
But i know enough to know that playing the victim doesn’t lead anywhere and that all emotions can be released. It doesn’t mean I always know how to do it.
When I searched inside for various versions of myself, I found two characters who acted as parents and two who acted as children, all inside. The roles were reversed. The parents needed the children more than the children needed the parents, and they were holding their children back. This inner family reflect my outer family but I have much more direct control over it since all the characters exist inside me.
The small baby was covered in mud, frozen in time, encapsulated for her own protection according to the sentinal who claimed to protect her, a broken father figure.
Months ago I convinced him to give her some space to grow and stop suffocated her.
I feel these days her eyes glow bright and the mud has been washed clean. She doesn’t cry easily, she only laughs and wants to play, but she still hasn’t learned to move. The sentinal hasn’t allowed her to, for fear of her own safety.
Now he knows he isn’t in charge, she is. But it’a been many years stuck in place, she’s overly hesitant to explore the world because she never has before. She’s always let her older brother do thhe exploring and he is always lit on fire, the fire of rage that he feels for all of them.
The parents have lost the ability to feel and so he feels all their suffering for them. He spent most of his life hurting, and sometimes drawing from the energy of his sister to feel joy. Now the silent, broken angel, the mother who gave up from guilt, he finally has her blessings to go and feel his own joy.
These are the characters that make up my psyche. None of them have to exist but they all help me to identify different parts of myself, and I work with them from time to time in order to understand what is going on inside.
I feel that maybe that’s what i need to do right now.
I’m not sure if anyone reading this will be able to understand, I didn’t preface with enough information because my intention was to let something flow and write it for myself. Now I think i will go deeper into this characters and see what happens.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
When we look back and reminisce on past moments, we've all lived and gone through a lot. We've been hurt, caged, abandoned, and felt so much more. So, I understand this as well.
Yes, nine of them had to be felt, but they were anyways, and their existence helped mould us to what we are today. We've made mistakes, learned, got to realize things, and moved on.
I have learnt to take people at their words. The days of reading the hidden meanings behind people's word is far gone. You you can't be true to yourself, how do you want me to understand the real you??
The example of the lady who was always caged by her father made me remember my childhood and how I had overprotective parents and I really wanted to explore
Unfortunately, I was able to explore but it affected me in some ways
If we think about the previous life, it is a fact that only the relationship of parents is the relationship of influence and loyalty in this world, otherwise every human being meets each other only for their meaning.