Sometimes I wonder if it’s a rare thing to be introspective. I feel like a lot of people don’t speak about their inner thoughts and so I am not sure how many people think a lot more than they let on.
I am always analyzing how I am affected by the world around me, auditing to figure out exactly what makes me tick. I suppose the extent with which I do this is pretty rare.
I don’t engage in much escapism for escapism sake. I play games but I try to tie that in to my language studies. I listen to a lot of youtube and engage on social media but most of that is to learn or to promote my work.
I also work freelance so I have more hours free to let my mind do its own thing. My work hours are focus intense but I have 20-40% fewer work hours than most people.
Right now I am observing some things about myself which are cery different from 5-10 years ago. New beasts to slay.
I used to be insecure about whether or not I was saying the right thing or alienating myself somehow. I no longer axtually care but I notice the ticks haven’t left. I still feel uneasy when I walk into a new shop and there are energetic people around.
I love talking to strangers but I actually feel incredibly awkward when I do. I never know if I am bothering them or if I am alienating them with my wild ideas and strange habits.
I don’t worry about whether or not they like me, I worry anout disturbing the atmosphere.
Japan makes me feel like this.
But so does age.
I feel my face start to droop and no longer feel as attractive as I used to be. I feel people are least interested in me because I am 10 years older than them and I have to work harder to connect with people.
If I have 0 expectations I don’t feel this but then I kind of close myself off and have no expression. This leads to no new people and no excitement in my life.
Actually this is a bigger deal than anything
I also notice how my health issues have kept some of my insecurities alive. I don’t know if I will physically have energy for people and so I fet nervous about being sucked into conversations. I don’t want to leave more tired than I came and so I am much more protective of my energy.
This has led me to put up a wall with people. That and the fact that nowadays everyone looks at their phone and I don’t like to be the only person who is looking around the room, it feels like I am peeping.
I am trying to shed all of these feelings to relax more, but I find it interesting how new insecurities pop up as the old ones are defeated.
Sometimes I feel like we are puzzles that we need to solve in order to be at harmony with our environement.
I feel less stressed when I am travelling and when I have money to spend.
Funny, look at al the complexes I brought up. Age, culture, appearence, money, health, expectations….I could have easily attributed all of my discomfort to any one of these, but looking deep at each and every response I have in different sotuations allows me to pick everything apart and untangle them piece by piece.
I think I need to go back to an old daily goal I had.
Talk to one stranger a day.
I am over my old insecurities but I didn’t have a chance to get into new habits, so I still shrink in situations that I don’t want to shink in. I need to actively try to rewire my brain so I don’t fall into old habits.
Anyway. It’s all good. Keep growing. Keep learning.
Posted Using InLeo Alpha
There are so many things that you’ve noticed by you and that’s really cool though. I also love to talk to strangers but I put limits so that I won’t start bothering or bugging them
This is how we must think about ourselves within the time alone and if we correct the mistakes we are making in life, we will succeed much faster in life.