On this side of the world, we were hit by a strong super typhoon. Help has been pouring, we are still surviving and the major damages are slowly being repaired. Greetings of “Merry Christmas” have flooded my Messenger inbox but I didn’t have it in me to respond to the well-wisher back.
I went to the office as usual, until one of the leaders had the courage to say what has been in my head for so long – “I don’t know how to respond to everyone’s ‘Merry Christmas’ because my Christmas wasn’t merry. We are resilient, but this is too much for us to bear. I don’t want to fake it.”
To be honest, I found a glimmer of joy in the morning of Christmas eve. I went to wait for 2 hours and 49 minutes just to get my car tanked up with gas. It was a better queue than that of the stories of four to five hours that went to waste since gas supplies have run out. I reached out to an old friend and I treated my workmates to breakfast. Sometime in the afternoon, the glimmer started to die out. Until it completely left me when I went home. You know how easily it is to catch enthusiasm? In just the same way, frustration is contagious as hell too. A family member was acting up and she has been picking fights with everyone in the house. She may have grown too exhausted with the way things have been lagging for long – there is still no electricity, water supply, cellphone signal and internet connectivity in our part of town. I am not someone with the patience of a saint. I quickly packed my bags, went straight to my relative’s house just so I can maintain my peace and sanity. I left my home that night since I wasn’t in the mood to tolerate the situation.
Things have been better, for now. At least, on the outside. On the inside, I have been growing uneasy. This may have been caused by hormones, or the frustration of wishing things to go back to the way they were again even if it was impossible. Or maybe by the discontent that one usually feels with age? I don’t know.
What I do know is @ybanezkim26’s words that rang true when I first read it “Just because we tasted the sweet life before the storm, doesn’t mean we are entitled to it going on forever. We were born poor, so we shouldn’t be fazed by this situation. We were born into this life, so this should be easy.” If words could slap, these would’ve turned my face bright red. People are creatures of habit and as Jonathan Yabut puts it, we easily fall prey to habituation. Just because we take a shower every morning and the heater works fine every single day, doesn’t mean that it is what’s normal. What’s registered as normal in our brains gets taken for granted. We then get frustrated when the heater breaks, thinking that we are entitled to a hot shower every single day. And as a mere mortal, I admit, I have taken electricity, water, cellphone signal and internet connectivity for granted. Every. Damn. Day.
Right now, I have to drive to the office to charge my electronics every day. I get cellphone signal and internet connectivity there too. The office is in an area where electricity lines were put up the earliest. We are still lucky. When the office closes on weekends, it’s back to our powerless situation again.
I am one with @chillwithshanna when she said “I am tired of being tired.” And maybe that is the reason why I couldn’t respond to everyone’s Christmas greeting. I am tired of fetching water from our relative’s place, I am tired of having to charge my power bank just so my family’s devices can be charged. I am tired of having to drive to the other city to catch up with my messages and do work. I am tired of having to put up with my family member’s frustration. And if there’s one thing I have learned from all of this it’s – to feel the exhaustion but never ever stay there. I have to snap out of this.
Even if it's hard at the moment, I want to look for the light in every situation that I am in. I hope I can start with this post. I hope I can look back at this and see the improvement that has been made now – to remind me that things will get better, albeit slowly.
I wish I’ll find it in me to say “Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year” just before the calendar turns a new page.
Let not your heart be troubled, be of good cheer, for this too shall pass. (I know easier said than done)
It is ok not to feel ok. Sometimes life is sweet as honey fresh from the comb and sometimes it sits up and kicks you in the teeth. This was a horrific event that you all went through and right on the tail of an already pandemic crazy world.
I know what it is like to be tired or maybe weary is a better word. Weary of the fight, the battle, just tired of living the way it is in this moment. One thing I have learned - it won't stay this way, life always changes. Thank God!
So go ahead and be weary, be sad if you want, it's ok to have feelings, even anger. Some day though it will all just be a memory of something that happened and you will have a story to tell those that come after.
It really helps, blogging the aftermath on Hive. I'm sure it's also one of my ways of coping. I'm just grateful that Hive is here filled with good strangers on the internet. It's life-changing for others I'm sure.
You've been through - are going through - a trauma, so it's perfectly okay to feel what you feel. Sometimes 'snapping out of it' is difficult - so don't be hard on yourself. It's okay to logically understand that life will get better and things will improve but sometimes your nervous system isn't quite aware of that and there's no way you can talk it down. Talking ABOUT it on HIVE and other places will help - so telling people why you aren't feeling in the Christmas spirit is a perfectly legit thing to do!
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, take each day as it comes. xx
Thank you for the validation. Hive feels like a good friend now because of people like you. Have a wonderful year ahead @riverflows 😊
This is devastating, I'm sorry this happened right around the holiday. I don't think I'd be in the Christmas spirit either.
Thank you @littlepiggies. As what @indayclara said, it is what it is 💔
No one would be the right frame of mind. My apologies for all that happened. Please do take your time to process everything and heal well.
Glad seen you trying to connect back with everyone. Please do take care, stay safe out there. My prayers goes out to everyone over there. Much love 💕
Thank you @esther-emmanuel, you are the sweetest 😊
Hang in there kabayan, I know you're going to get through these trying times. Ingat palagi.
Thank you kabayan. With the Hive community and our fellow Filipinos, I'm going to make it.
That's the spirit. Kaya mo yan kabayan.
I am on the verge of admitting that "I am tired" too. And if I utter it, then I know I would burst into tears. And in these moments how I wish Hugs would be that one thing that we can all share once again.
I would give you a pretty tight hug for sure!
Hi there gail, that DIY candle is way cool. how did ur lola make it? Nice to see things are slowly getting taken care of. :) It is enough that u are safe and surviving this.. everyone who wishes u greetings is just showing how they care for u.. noone should expect u to be all sunshine and smiles right now..
She used cotton and spent cooking oil @chinito.
Yes, my source of joy right now are the little improvements I see everyday. Plus, the Hive community too!
Time has a way of healing wounds and changing how we feel, but until that time comes you just have to go through the process. It's difficult and frustrating so just hang in there and know that there are people who care about you and genuinely wish the best for you.
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Thank you for the reminder @juanvegetarian. It makes me happy that my Hive family is pouring out love ❤️
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Thank you. We wish you a Happy New Year!
The reality is we are all tired but still trying our best to be positive. Frustrations will get into us no matter what. I'm tired of being resilient. The least thing we can do is acknowledge it, Choose wisely the battles or stress we will deal with right now. Our peace of mind is what matters most.
My heart breaks looking at all this devastation, It’ll be fine in the days to come and I hope this year turns out to be you greatest ❤️✨