It's getting really hard for me to take decisions, when I look back now I feel like I never have made a sole decision in my life. Most of the decisions I have taken before had some kind of outside pressure. Or they even didnt mean anything, it only affected me. Now I have came at a stage where my decisions are affecting others, and it had become really hard for me to take decision under these situations.
I never see me as a kind nice guy, I clearly know the fact that I'm more of a selfish guy. I have a deep feeling that I'm very selfish, so I really have to act outside as a nice person. So in the middle of this battle I lost my character, couldn't become a selfish guy who could achieve his personal needs easily or the nice guy. When I become too nice all I feel is guilt. The guilt for playing the role of a nice guy.
Taking a decision that affects other people is really hard for me, I really want others to see me as a good man, cause deep down I believe I'm really a bad person. I never stood up for the right, I usually couldn't find the difference between right and wrong. But there were moments I really understood what's the right thing to do. But I never stood up for that at those moments.
Now everything is different I don't know what's right and what's wrong. My existence has become very much invisible. If one throws a ball at me, I don't try much to change the direction of that. I don't want to deviate some process and answerable for it. All I want is just peace and happiness.
I know that one can't be peaceful and happy all the time, but I try to reduce the effect of sorrow. I don't want a sad stage. Nowadays things have become pretty easy for me, still not much. Whenver I worry on something, mostly I try to think about the state, and the feelings I'm having. I don't try to spend time on the real problem. At first I thought this is the right thing to do, I should focus on myself and I want to make me feel happy and peaceful at most times.
But me acting this way changed my reality a lot, I never tried to solve the problems. So the problem kept existing and turned into something really big. Something that affects my life, the outside world very badly.
Now I really doubt what people think of me, I tried to do things that gave me happiness and peace. Now I have become someone very different for the outside world to undestand.
I have lot of fears, I never tried overcome them. My fears are like I can't just stand near them. So I avoid a lot of things, things are that very important for a eperson to exist. At some moments I'm really proud of myselves, sometimes just the opposite.
The philosophies I believes in and the actions I am taking are at very different poles, they don't even mean anything. So I just get rid of those philosophies. I don't ask those question like what's the meaning of life and others now. Now I don't want to know the meaning, or even anything. I don't want to new movies or TV's. I don't even want to listen to new music. I fear even a small change like listening to a new track, all I want is this balanced state. Where each day is just same for me. I started very much liking this boring state. It's really an eventless life.
This post has been manually curated by @bhattg from Indiaunited community. Join us on our Discord Server.
Do you know that you can earn a passive income by delegating to @indiaunited. We share 100 % of the curation rewards with the delegators.
Here are some handy links for delegations: 100HP, 250HP, 500HP, 1000HP.
Read our latest announcement post to get more information.
Please contribute to the community by upvoting this comment and posts made by @indiaunited.
Congratulations @badfinger! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):
Your next target is to reach 1750 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!