If you say my life is blend, it will not be presumed entirely wrong; however, not quite right either. If I must say, I have only started to live life when I was 25 years old, graduated, a fresh intern.
Before that it's all hazy and blurry, not in a sense that I do not remember anything, but because I remember almost every pros of a bumping-stranger, but nowhere amidst that, I could find myself, as
you are in your lucid dreams, a observer only.
So if I am referring to a life or anything relevant to life, it's always from the age of 25.
Hence, these 5 years of mine have been the time I lived. If I am to say, I lived as I pleased, that will not be incorrect. Of course, I had to be burdened with the responsibilities, criticism, denial and in terms of acquisition of an elderly child who belonged to any middle-class family; regardless, I was capable of living a life I have desired since my sense of life itself.
With all these sacrifices, compromises I have chose to make with my own will without any expectations in return, instead of being admired, praised, I was being called selfish, thriftless. It would be a lie if I say I was not angry or nothing affected me, but just like my sorrow, those were my very own, none to share, no where to be cared.
For some reason, people prefers to portrait me as a strong, capable, cheerful, ALWAYS happy with no sadness or depression, free from any worldly burdens or responsibilities. Going through the living, with primal instinct of surviving, being a sinner of never giving up to requiem for a dream, I did not realize it made me look like this.
They as well are precisely unwilling of conceding the otherwise upon knowing that, their shiny portrait of "me" is just "how they want me to be", not the "who I really am". And even insist of superimpose this portrait upon me explaining they know me enough and that this-has-always-been-me, so what is wrong with me now!
Since I never go around having a life like any other children, or teenagers, or youth; somehow I have forgotten the very basic rules of society. I have become oblivious of my society, it's men and women, it's culture, and mostly, what the society want me to become.
So, unfortunately I have become one, I have always admired in my younger days.
Henceforth, in the process I have become one of those women, whom one loves to portrait as they wish with their heart contents and even feels offended upon being wrong as if the person have deceived them being their own original self, but no one wants to sincerely know them!
And so, the life I have been living, leading, loving is odd. But the society, family, friends, benevolent are incapable of accepting the odd, jealous of odd that they do not have, sad over the odd that the odd-life must be lonely and boring, angry about the odd that how it's undeserved.
It only made me to aspire more of this oddness; the alluring, lonely, blend, peaceful, sweet, melodious oddness.
Thus...well!
For now, let us drink on this and allow some pondering-jest into thy life.
Let us talk about more of the hopes and dreams.
All the contents are mine, until it's mentioned.
Love your spirit apu! Keep living!! 💙
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