Small, lost things in life.

in BDCommunity8 months ago (edited)

These days, words do not come out as easily as they used to. If I have to look back even a few years, I used to write every single day. May that be stupid silly quotes in journal, distraught thoughts given forms and things like that which I had no one to share with. I used to turn on my shitty laptop with a broken mouse pad, somehow maneuver through it to the Microsoft office, and hours would pass me by like a flash flood created by torrential rainwater in a narrow canyon. I would pour my heart out. Maybe my writing is comparable to only horse shit. Still, they would come out like a healthy poop after a good bowel movement in the morning. One more small big thing in my life that I think I have lost control over. Like this post that I am writing now. Even though I was supposed to write it last night. With that intention in my head, I got up from my bed at 4 am in the morning, turned my pc on, and then fell asleep on my chair.

As the years pass by, the definition of life for me is changing rapidly. Times are getting increasingly harder to navigate through. As so, the same can be said for every kind of relationship I have with others. Suddenly it feels like holding onto relationships is more brutal. My priorities have changed. So did everyone else's, people who kept me in their company. I think I did not look at it as hard as now before, but I find my priorities are highly contrasting with my friends and families. Feels like the direction of my life has chosen a different path at a crossroads than everyone else's. That, unfortunately, makes me feel lonely as fuck. It's not like loneliness was always a distant enemy of mine. In Fact, I had traversed the mazes of sanctified solitude for quite a long time throughout my life. But this, the maze I'm in now, is a whole different one. Its walls are shinier, cleaner but feel unknown, unlike before. The past, much simpler life I had is all lost now. And the one I have now, much of it I do not like anymore.

It has been a long time since I've been able to read in peace. I don't know how others do it, weave and integrate reading into their lives almost to the point of reading being a religious activity, and they are the faithful believers. There are two people I am acquainted with who read a staggering amount every single day. While I would read a book for weeks, they finish it in days. And it is not even like they have loads of time on their hands. Busy family men they are, still they do it all. But I can't. I pick up books, and my mind wanders off, chasing after my scattered mind with a stick. It is pitiful, really.

There was this old man whose shop I used to go to. A tea shop with free benches to sit on. Rusty old walls made of tin, thick glued paper and whatnot. Hands down, swear to god, he makes the best tea I have ever tasted in my life, only a few miles from my house. The street I take to that shop is as bad as you can imagine in a third world country. But the nature surrounding the road is pretty scenic, which alone would make up for the back pain resulting from a bike ride on that road. The tea was just a bonus. I used to go there every day. Then I stopped for a while, and somehow, years have gone by.

My room has south-facing windows. The sunlight never directly enters my room, so it is always bleak. And when the sky is all dull and sad, it perfectly complements my room. Usually, when it rained, I would sit beside my window with a cup full of something to drink and a book to read. They are now overshadowed by this tall building right beside my home. And that tiny thing that used to make me content in desperate times is gone. A silver lining is all that is, it is raining outside. And I'm writing this, sitting right beside my window, in that old chair, while the sky is all ash-like.

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I can relate.
Life changes gradually. We lost something and achieve some more. Just like a peaceful reading moments, I gave up on this. But on the other hand, I certainly became more mature like you.
Good to read your words.

Hey apu! These are changes out of our control. Like the forces of nature, changes like these are inevitable. But its as you said. We loose when we gain. But to gain, we always have to loose.

I would pour my heart out. Maybe my writing is comparable to only horse shit. Still, they would come out like a healthy poop after a good bowel movement in the morning.

Is any place sacred to you! (Shaking my head)

A silver lining is all that is, it is raining outside. And I'm writing this, sitting right beside my window, in that old chair, while the sky is all ash-like.

I envy you brother... even though my room is the coolest, temperature-wise, it doesn't have a view... I envy you because you get to sit by the window near to you while you enjoy a cup of tea... here I am waiting for the clock to pass 7pm so I can finally go home

Sigh! You know how it goes apu. How life is, better than almost everyone else i know. So even though id love to tell you things, words of comfort, you already know them. Maybe Something good is there, waiting for us at the end of this road. Just maybe.

I so feel your pain. The struggle of wanting to write but failing, I've been dealing with it for months. And when you cant do the things you cherish, everything else becomes bleak. Adaption to changes is the key. But these changes, they come without announcements, and thus we struggle to cope with it, hoping to find a way to get back on track.

Ooh mine did come with an announcement:3 it came with bang, and then left me all dry and miserable😅

You'll find the old pace once you tame your mind to do it regularly. For instance, the first few paragraphs are mostly scattered, but, once it's past the middle, it's more organised and flows perfectly like your old writings.
So, let your emotions flow, you'll be on track soon- I believe you can do that from this very moment though ;)

Anyway, judge me not, you will waste your time on a shitty writer.

Taming my mind, that in itself is proving to be a tough feat to achieve. Very tough infact. Will take time u guess. Thank you good sir.

The definition of life changes with the passage of time. I missed my days which i passed . Playing cricket with friends after school and having tea together was fun. But, everything is changed.

I always find some deep message on your writings vai when i compare it to myself. Your writings is same as old :-)

And that is all we can do. All thag we can do in the end, miss the past.

Ayye tai naki? Thank you fahim!

I pick up books, and my mind wanders off, chasing after my scattered mind with a stick. It is pitiful, really.

It's really so pitiful and I can feel it too, Bhai. When someone has a passion for something, an environment where he used to do the task and because of losing the old place it's quite hard for him to habitual with the new place. It has happened with me several times. Sometimes a tiny thing does not act like a tiny one , in fact, the tiny thing plays a huge impact on our life.

That is very true. Sometimes, these things are out of our control.

Everything changes over time.I once thought,A job that was very dear to me, I can't live without this.And now, it's annoying to do that.

It's nice to see your writing after so many days,Sakib vai.

It is true. Things change. Our lives change, priorities change. So does the definition of what we like.

Thank you shaon:)

not reading or writing is an excuse. :)

also there is no such thing as a 3rd world country. :)

I know i know! No excuses🤥

There is tho, people just like to call them developing nations, so that no one gets offended:)

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 8 months ago  Reveal Comment

That is true. When you write continually, sometimes there comes a point when you have exhausted all of the vocabularies in your arsenal multiple times. In that moment, all you can to is give our heart out and let it say what it desires.

 8 months ago (edited) 

That is one fascinating topic if you think about it really! Except for everything that we can touch, hear or see now, everything else is either our memories from the past, or imagination about the future:)