There's a question that some people ask me about my relationship with my husband: 'how do you truly know he will be faithful'?
I don't, I suppose.
But one of his values is about personal responsibility, and having seen the fallout of his parents marriage, he would never put me through that. Besides, I'm freaking awesome - why would he leave me for another women?
There reaches a point in a marriage where only a few things really matter. Everything else gets stripped away - the anxiety, the guessing, the fighting, the misunderstanding, the complications of early relationships where you're trying to find a way together.
In the early days, we'd fight over domestic duties, shouting about who had done what and what the other person should be doing. Now I find myself ignoring most things, and when it truly drives me nuts, I'll say something like: 'babe, I'm finding it pretty disrespectful that I've asked you to hang up the bathtowel and it's still on the floor' and he (mostly) apologises and does better. Me too. It doesn't even matter if it doesn't matter to me personally, but if it matters to him, it shouldn't be trouble for me. I don't think the house will be robbed if we leave for the shops for five minutes with the back door unlocked, but I respect that he grew up in London and has council estate anxieties hard wired into his DNA, so I'll snib the back door.
If it matters to him, it usually matters to me.
There's a point that marriage vows - the bit about 'in sickness and health' - start to make sense. It means that even if you're doing just fine, if they're not feeling well, you'll put everything aside to help them. Although I'm begging Jamie to go home for a few weeks to see family, he won't leave me because he knows I'm struggling. He'll sit on the edge of the bath with my crying and talk to me about how we'll manage things, even if I'm trying to push him away because I don't want the attention and am opting for irrational stoicism. I'm not as good as it as he is, the care I mean, but I try. I'll be gritting my teeth making him chicken soup for his soul when I'd rather be out surfing. But I'm practicing being better.
It blows my mind when he turns to me and calls me beautiful. I do think men's ability to judge beauty is directly dependent on their failing eyesight as they age. But I guess it's the same for me - the cute, sexy man I met when he was 29, is now a middle aged man with wrinkles and greying hair. But we still find each other attractive, and still reach for each other in the morning, snuggling in and feeling loved and blessed. I can't imagine a life without the physical relationship between us. I think we're just both addicted to the oxy it releases. When those long nights of passion fade, there's always naked snuggles.
When you start looking for a partner, you want a lot - money, sexiness, humour, devotion. Cards on Valentines Day, declarations of undying love, sacrifice, worship. Passionate sex, loyalty, perhaps being a great father or mother if family are important to you both.
But all of that shifts and changes in a partnership. The bullshit gets stripped away, the dressings, the pretense. The sheer effort it takes to be there for each other disappears until it's no effort at all. It's like the wood of you both has been whittled and sanded and become much more functional - not to say there's not beauty in that form, not at all - it's often a more beautiful piece than what you started with.
Sometimes all you want is for them to bring you a cup of tea.
This was written in response to the Minimalist community's QOTW: 'In relationships, the minimalist mindset asks: what truly matters between us when everything unnecessary falls away? Please add at least 3 original photos that were taken by you and have never been shared on the blockchain before that relate to your story.'
With Love,
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Awe! What a wonderful tribute to your marriage. And so true as well. It sounds so famaliar :-) You two look so wonderful and are perfect for each other from what I can tell. You have a good guy @riverflows and him a good gal.
What a wonderful post.
Aw thanks. I know you get it by the way you worship your wife. We are pretty lucky, but as you know it takes more than good luck! People do admire our marriage and laugh at how loved up we are. It's nice really. And we didn't meet til our late 20s. I was 30 actually!!
YOu found each other. That is what matters.
This was such a sweet read. I do think about you guys sometimes, you seem to fit so effortlessly. This rounds out the picture some. So glad you wrote this.
Aw shucks. Honestly we have really worked at this relationship too, but we know it matters. You know those otters holding hands down the stream? That's us.
I love how you two are still so in love and passionate with each other like you're still 16 year olds. Beautifully written
Thanks 🙏 .. it's more than I could have hoped for really. I am very lucky.
Love the photos!
!discovery
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I love how you put that, River. It truly epitomises the good, healthy relationship you and Jamie obviously have! If a couple both don't allow the other to whittle and sand, how are they ever going to be a perfect fit?
PS, my hubby often woke me up with a cup of coffee in bed<3 He became my perfect fit, and I really am not at all willing to start sanding at old hardwood;)
Lovely writing!
Amazing tribute to your awesome relationship your words of adoration for each other brought tears to my eyes. I too, have a husband that has been the love of my life and dotes on me all day long even after 45 years together.
Got me thinking. Actually, I've been thinking recently of writing about my husband and why I care. It seems the sort of thing no one would be interested in reading. Then there is your blog :) You are, in my view, mid path. Your journey seems to have weathered the storms well. Seems to have been strengthened by stresses. What is the elixir that gives one relationship stamina and not another?
I'm happy for you. Maybe I will write that blog. Thanks for the inspiration.
I don't know. Partly physical attraction and chemistry. Partly shared values. Partly willingness to make sacrifices for the other.
Or perhaps just being star crossed?
Sleeping in separate rooms?
I have no real idea, because all couples are different. But I'd love to read your blog about it!
Being from Jamaica, I can relate to this. I don't care what faith anyone has in any higher being or any protector. Don't leave any door or gate unlocked when I'm around. It might be residual fear or perhaps hardwired in DNA, but just don't leave anything open. 🙃
Your post is SO sweet! I was teary-eyed reading it.
Cheers to many more years of togetherness ❤️
Thanks for your #KISS
I enjoyed it 😉
lips sealed
Ha, I grew up in a pretty safe country town - you couldn't get further from Jamaica or London!
You're so mean to yourself!
I really do think that all relationships really need to work, any relationships, is for both people to really want the relationship to work.
I also think that's there's absolutely nothing wrong with relationships not working, people change and grow and relationships change and grow, and if they grow in different directions that's completely fine and normal.... but it is really nice to be someone who knows you so well. My partner and I often say that literally no one else would get our jokes.
Ah, women do tend to be self critical. I feel beautiful in his eyes though so that's nice.
If you're not prepared to put the work in, your relationship wont grow. It's definitely not all wine and roses but if you get through the hard bits, the hard bits don't come around as much.
And yes, not all relationships work. There must be a point where you know it's not worth it anymore. I'm lucky enough to know that this one will weather everything and we will be totally gutted when one of us dies.