Reflections are not a good idea when drinking alone.

Oh man moments like these I just can't help feeling down. I'm out and it's my choice to be alone. Is it me choice. Sometimes I don't know. I mean what's a guy to do. There's a desire for me to uplift myself. The countless positive motivating videos just to keep me from falling into some kind of death trap. Then I step out all alone. I know I said to myself out will be hard. It will mean discipline. Then I'm out and it all just feels like a maelstrom of negative emotions. Then I remind myself. The end of the tunnel Clint. There's a light there. But it feels like someone cut my Achilles heel. Crawling through the muddy floor. Inching ever so slowly. A snails pace while I look at the world speed past me. A lightning flash in the universe wake. The melancholic feeling, wish it was as easy to just cut out with a blunt knife. Digging in deep.

I never wanted this. Or did I want this?

All these crazy thoughts and questions running rampant in my head like a nuclear reaction about to go critical. Only the constant liquid keeping it in check. A self inflicted wound. Bubbling. Simmering. Like cooked first in the spit. The moment distraction fades into the background I'm noticing everything. Constantly getting my instable thirst for something, anything to fill the sensation into nowhere.

The need to break this cycle is there. Nagging at me. Pulling me. Where? I have no clue. I just hope it's somewhere new or back to an old reality. A far fetched dream. And now I'm having to hate this paradise instead of just taking life as is.

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 5 months ago  

Life is definitely challenging and it’s hard when we hit a rough patch but it’s important for you to pick yourself up and keep on chugging along. You have kids and that’s the drive for continuing on, not their mother but the kids. Those are who is important these days.