Something I've never imagined has happened today. I was kinda shocked to hear the words coming from someone dear to me. Actually, it was expected due to my situation, but I never thought it would taste like this. I swear, I don't wanna be in such situations, because it's kinda frustrating to suffer like this and make others suffer as well just because you couldn't fulfill the responsibilities you have taken, no matter how hard they are.
I'm trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I woke up from sleep early in the morning, left for the office. Due to traffic, I couldn't reach early, so I was there just in time. The work pressure kept me engaged, I was diverted, and it was good; my mind wasn't busy with sadness. And the phone call came, and those words, and my faults, I was silent as it was on me first because I caused the imbalance. I just kept listening, said nothing, tried to recall the past, but it kinda backfired as nobody really remembers the good you did, except the bad things you are doing.
I was there on the balcony, standing for a few minutes, trying to figure out possible solutions, but I couldn't find any. Still now, I'm looking at the sky, thinking of why the Almighty has made me fall into so much stress and pressure. Why is he testing me is going beyond my ability. I just pray and hope it ends soon. I really can't take it anymore. I want to see the end of these without my end.
I stepped into the tech room and sat at my desk. We had a meeting, so I had to prepare for the presentation and so on. I attended two meetings; these are the beginnings. I have more responsibilities on my back from now on. I tried to keep myself busy as much as I could.
Usually our shift ends at 5.00 pm. But today, I didn't exit; colleagues who went with me on the bus left, but I didn't. I felt like, let's stay engaged here, not feeling good. And I was there for more than two hours after that, as long as the others stayed. I was feeling so low that I couldn't concentrate, even though I was there; my mind was nowhere to be found. Now? At home, trying to put in the words somewhere I could back when the storm ends. I don't even know if it would really end or take me away as the storm does. I am standing strong, much stronger than the previous day, determined to face all the odds, as it might just end pretty soon.
I know I'm alone; everyone has to fight their own battles. The day I become weak will be the end of me. That's why, even after repeated stabs, I come home or go to the office, sit in front of the screens, hands on the keyboard, and start crushing with a hope, as it's the only way to keep surviving or start living in the coming days. I really need a break from all this, can't wait for it to take an eternity to solve the issues. Just getting frustrated and silent the next moment as I can't just run away from everything. I wish it were just me to suffer; I would have left everything without any second thought. The dependent souls are the sufferers as well, whom I can't even leave behind.
So yeah, that's how life is going, kinda fu**ed pretty badly. No way to fix it real quick. Only the prayers and the Almighty can make it happen soon, so I can live, breathe, and have some peace. To be honest, I forgot the last time I passed a day without any stress, negative thoughts, struggle, or tensions.