I took a break fom my readings and lessons. It's my father's death anniversary so I just wanted to just take a moment. I may be a little bit extra emotional in this post so please bear with me.
When someone we love dies, the pain really does not just go away. Our life goes on and somehow, our brain needs to compartmentalize otherwise the lain will cripple us. When my father passed away 3 years ago, I used to cry almost every night. When I dream about him, I would always cry as I tell my husband about it.
Each time that I remember my father, it just reminds me that he's no longer a phonecall away. I used to do this thing where I would just randomly call my mom so I could talk to them when I was living in my own apartment. I didn't tell them I miss them when they ask why I call, I just think of things to ask or to tell or whatever. Whenever it's my rest day, I would just go home and just hang out with them.
They say when your loved one dies, you remember the fondest moments. Those happy memories, the way they smile, the way they talk. Then you realize how much you miss them. Then you either smile or cry or both. For me it's really confusing.
I always miss my Pa. I remember all those moments with him. I remember how he spoiled me because I was his look-alike. I really felt I was his favorite child. I always smile when I remember that. When he was still alive, whenever I miss him, I'll just go home and I'll see he's there. All sick and weak but he'd still manage to crack a dad joke. How I miss those dad jokes.
Now when I miss him, he's not there to go home to anymore. There's no way to hear his voice again. Or see his smile again. He's just gone.
So I would just think of him. Recall all the memories I have of him. But my brain doesn't have any filter, when I command it to pull memories of Pa, it brings out all of the memories. It's his death anniversary and of course, I am a little extra nostalgic now.
I remember our last fight. That last fight when he was not yet bedridden. I was a headstrong youth so we do have lots of fights. Especially when our opinions differ. We had a fight about something I couldn't even remember, I just recall how he looked at me. I'm not sure if what I saw in his eyes were sadness or disappointment. I thought I won that fight. But maybe he was just tired.
I don't remembet the details of that fight but now, all I just remember was that I felt remorseful after that. But I didn't say a word to him. I wss spiteful, I was full of pride, I was angry, I don't even know why.
Now that he's gone, I just wish I had taken a chance to apologize. I wish I'd taken the chance to hug him more. We became okay after that fight before he had a stroke but still I didn't say the words I should have said. I thought we'd have more time. I took that for granted. I wish I had been more vocal about how much I love and respect him.
It is true, tomorrow is not promised. You'll never know what will happen. So while they are still around, while you are still around, while you still gotnthe chance, take the chance to hug the people you love. Say I love you. Say you're sorry. Just let them know. Tell them how much they mean to you. Because we'll never truly know what tomorrow brings.
Same feeling here🥹 my father also died last year yetI still reminisce all the memories we had together. I feel your pain and the good thing is they are in the safe place now, no more pain, no more heartaches and no more uncertainties. Thank you for sharing your thoughts appreciate it a lot♥️
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There's never a soft synonym for the death of a loved one, the pain never goes away and we just wish that given another opportunity, we would love more and care more. It's a sad place to be and I do understand your pain. Just remember the good times you had together.
The death of someone can be really painful that even after three years, you still feel bad about your father’s death. The good thing is that you’ve got a husband who consoles you whenever you cry and that’s just the best thing. I’m sure your father is in a better place so cry no more.
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Whenever one of our own leaves us in this world it is a very difficult time because I also went through this time in 2018 and I know because my mother passed away then. She misses them till today and misses them a lot when such a day comes.
I’m lucky enough to still have my dad although the situation is a little different for other reasons, I wish I could have as close of a relationship with him as I used to.
I know that those moments like the fight are tough to hear because we don’t want to remember them but we do. As I’ve gotten older and have my own son, I remember some of those silly fights and how they didn’t need to occur but they did because we were headstrong. I see those same things in my son and the good thing is is that it’s part of growing up. As long as we don’t let them define us and destroy us these are natural parts of it as I’m sure you know with kiddos of your own. It is tough for sure but I wouldn’t beat yourself up about not apologizing.
I have fond memories of my grandfather who I spent a lot of time with and it’s sad that he passed but the best part about it is that he was able to pass some of his personality and knowledge onto me, which your father has passed a lot onto you. I think things like that certainly help us deal with the loss and challenge of not having them there for us.