Eerie, scary shit. Loved it. 👍 @papacrusher
My only suggestion is that you let your readers breathe. 😁 I.e. your punctuation needs some major work. The comma is your friend, friend! Use it and the - and the ; and the . to give your readers time to breathe.
If you want I can rewrite a paragraph so you see how much better it flows with a small adjustment to your sentence structure. 💯
(Please don't feel shy to request this. Some people have paper skin, so i'm cautious not to immediately go into editor mode 😉).
Everything else is solid. 😁
Cheers. 🍻
I'm not shy or paper skinned. I wanted the piece to read breathless...hurried...without rest. That's the problem with unsolicited advice, you don't have the full picture of the intention of the writer.
Yoyo.
There's a difference between feeling breathless and tripping over yourself. I never doubted your intent, just its execution. 🙂
This is, IMO, the wrong mindset to have. I personally knew what you were trying to pull off here, think it's pretty obvious to the trained eye. But let's say I didn't - it still wouldn't matter. You should never be trying to defend yourself if you wanna get better, I'm not trying to tear you down but build you up. I think anyone can take something out of any advice/critique. Regardless of the author/commenter intent. Saying That's the problem to someone giving you advice is 💯 the wrong approach. It's not about you, or me, or the work - it's about getting better, improving your craft.
But that's just my 2 cents, you do you. 🤷♂
🍻
...
...