Source: (https://unsplash.com/s/photos/couples-in-love)
I refused to let go of Brian as the train susurrated at his arrival. It was here finally and it moved till it halted slowly.
The doors were opened and passengers stepped into the train. I peered into his eyes with my eyes welled up with tears.
It'd been a tough week for me as I tried not to think of him leaving. I know it was for our good but his presence mattered a lot to me and our unborn baby.
I'd been married to him for a year and two months. Our marriage was a blissful one with no worries even if we weren't rich but we lived happy and contented.
I had to stop college when our pregnancy protrude and I became very heavy. I was due already and our baby was coming soon.
But I felt glum as he wouldn't be around to carry our child when she arrives. We were expecting a girl and we got plans for her.
Months back, Brian had applied for a scholarship to further his education. It had always been his dream to study abroad for his master's degree but his mail of acceptance didn't come.
He waited fruitlessly and gave up. He had already forgotten about it not until he received a mail from the university. He had been offered the scholarship.
It was a mixture of feelings for me. Happiness exuded inside me and gloom overcame me. I was happy his dream of studying abroad had become a reality; but what about our baby?
What about me?
He would be gone for years. How do I cope without him? These had been my fears.
"Baby, don't worry about anything. I will be back sooner than you know it, " he said, as he wiped my tears with his thumb.
"How do I live without you?" my throat choked with tears. "Our baby is coming soon."
He cupped my cheeks with his hand. "You will live, Jess. You will. My mom is there for you."
"But I need you more." I wept.
He held me close and stroked my hair. "I will be back. You don't have to cry," he told me, with his voice filled with emotions.
The train chugged and I was startled. It was time for him to go. I released him and said, "Remember me. Never forget me."
"I won't." He kissed my forehead and my tummy.
I loosened the knot of my floral scarf and waved to him. He ambled into the train. I could see tears trickling down his cheeks.
I have never seen Brian cry before.
It was a difficult moment for us but we had no choice.
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Yo, Brian's a dick. 😂😛
Lovely sad story with some highlight moments. Specifically the "What about me?" line. This read more as poetry rather than prose, which is more than fine with me.
But it definitely lacks an oomf. If you're curious I can go into more detail on how you'd achieve this. If not, I'm happy you decided to publish your story here. 😌👏
Cheers and have a nice day. 🍻
Thank you for reading. I am curious to know.
There's a bunch of stuff you could do to improve. But I'd say for this story precisely you needed an arc: a beginning, middle, and end. This story is just all middle, ya know? It has a purpose in existing, no doubt - but what if the child wasn't his? what if he missed the train? what if he came back and she was different? what if she went to meet him and he has forgotten her? I dunno, I'm just throwing darts here. 😁
There has to be a transition, a character starts somewhere and ends somewhere else. She discovers something, or someone discovers her. And you can achieve this with very few words actually. The adage 'less is more' is trite most times, but it also fits. If you are aware that your stories need to be moving, all that's left is practice. Practice, practice, and at the end of it? More practice! yay!
That is, if you care about improving your craft. 😌
Just keep writing, and remember arcs! 😀
🍻
Thank you so much. I had written this story in a rush. It was an idea and I had written it immediately.
I understand what you are saying and I am grateful for your advice. I think i will have to rewrite this and post it.
Then, you read again and tell me what you think.
🤝