This one was real smooth...
The content is cool, I like how you came at it from this angle. Extremely unique in everything about it. The acronym part at the end was cool. Completely unique and fresh, really enjoyed this read.
The structure was great for what it was, but I didn't get rap verse at all from this. Was it a dope presentation? Yes, for sure, but not what I'm looking for. The way the bars are split wouldn't translate well off the page and onto multiple instrumentals. The idea for this contest is for a 16 bar verse. I think this shit is DOPE, just not the best for this challenge.
The scheme was interesting, but had me puzzled. Some of these bars just didn't read as rhyme. You'd have to have an alien tongue to make some of these words rhyme. The rhymes that did happen were mostly end rhymes. Once again, very dope what you did, but just needs more precise rhymes with a clear discernible scheme. You could put "/" after your bars to make it easier to show intent. Or you could bold your rhymes to make them stand out.
It was on topic, but once again without the non-rap related interjections throughout the verse, I would've had no way to know what was happening.
Overall, I honestly loved this work. When I first read it I was pretty fucking stoked. Was a wonderful piece of art. Can't wait to see your next entrty!!
Oh ok I got you. Yeah this was alot harder to express then I thought it would be. I'll leave out the narrative descriptions on the next ones lol Thank you for the valuable feedback so looking forward to the next theme and enrty as well.. yooo you had me rolling on the part about having to have an alien tongue to rhyme some of the words 😆😆😆 I am from the Midwest..that country Grammer twang lol
Thanks again for the feedback man!!