Today was the day is the day I am going to prove my point at home. I never cared about money too much so I didn't care where or who I spent it on. Spent money ruthlessly, I never tabulated all my expenditures. It was just the flow of money which mattered to me. All i gave a shit was tomorrow's chilling expenses or that week's max.
Went through a very ugly stage of life. Probably all the fuck ups at once. Steemit wasn't paying me much, Not many paintings were getting sold, Couldn't paint with all the emotional trauma happening in life , ended up sitting at one dark corner doing nothing, They say, "talk it all out you will be fine" , sure but who do i talk to? My best friend had left to France just then and the person I cared for a bit too much said she wanted some "space" and left lol, Fuck my life. I didn't bother her after she walked out on me even though she made me feel less. My parents had worries of their own so i never could I dint tell them about it.
The screw up was I dint know who to blame. I don't know what was going on and I didn't know what to do. Felt like i was useless. Blamed myself it. Like my guilt wasn't enough, my relatives started shaming me for not having a degree. So i stopped attending all the gatherings. It sucked to be pointed out compared and shamed in front of everyone. Common man i am just 21, why are you doing this to me? Trust me it was hard enough to smile.
Still dono who to talk to, I wish she knew what was going on. Maybe then she might have cared. But then why bother her happy life?
Frankly i wanted to jump off the terrace. I have planned on killing myself several lives for such a pathetic life. There was this one time. It was 2 AM and I went to the terrace, and walked to the edge, Its so breezy i am shivering, i rub my palms and I realized i have come there to kill myself so how will that matter when i am gone. I laughed and laughed at my stupidity. That soon turned into crying, i couldn't just take it any longer so i was preparing myself to jump. I looked down and took a deep breath.Just before i took a step, I thought of my parents crying tomorrow, all broken and hopeless. All i could think off were my parents, what have they done to deserve this?
So i just sat there at the edge,cried loud till it felt better, Wiped my tears, pulled myself back together and told myself,
"No man, no fuking way i am gonna let that shit happen"
"SNAP OUT OF THIS"
Walked back inside and shut the door a lil hard, it woke my mum up! she came out of the room and shouted," Tejas,is that you?"
I was like "fukkk" and quickly replied," Ya mama, just went out to take a call. Sorry for the noise, it's a lil breezy here. Go back to sleep"
Only I knew how close it was.
After a relaxing breath I was glad that i dint make that stupid decision. How much chaos that would have caused? Oh god that would be a traumatic disaster
I know i am not gonna do this ever again, But there was still a small voice telling me to do it. Coz only then people will understand how much it hurt when they treated you like shit.
But then whats the point of it when I am gone? I know i had to get through this night to stop these split thoughts in my head. So I took some narcotics to put me to sleep.
I wasn't sure If I would even open my eyes but woofff, I did!
Took a deep breath and smiled. Told myself
"If i had the balls to a step back from the edge last night, I can do anything"
This truly was the worst day of my life, but it taught me lessons I could never have learned myself. People say suicide is the easy way out, Yes,I agree. But trust me you have absolutely no right to comment. Please don't judge people based on what you know of them, They are much more than what they say. Your rudeness might not kill them but its not just you they meet. Keep that in mind fellas.
Before you pass a rude comment,
Do you know why you are saying it? Is it even necessary? Do like putting down people? Does it make you happy? Would it hurt to be nice?
Ask yourself this each time you utter shit. This smallest change in you can clear out so much of negativity.
I have nothing more to say, I just hope this reaches as lot of people. Want them to know how it feels to be on the other end when they treat people like shit.
Most importantly, if there's anyone out there going through the same shit right now and feel like killing themselves, Know that there are a handful number of people out there, who actually care for you. Don't break their hearts because the world was harsh on you. They don't deserve such pain.
I don't know who you are, If you are going through this and have no one to talk to. You can always ping me. I am not hard to find :)
Today I am worth a lot more than I can flaunt, so I smile in peace. I am glad those days are behind me.
and I have to honestly thank this platform for supporting me and for many more things, I probably need to write another post for it. Hahaha
Have a great day fellas ! If you are from my side of the world have a great night!