We live in an time where it is harder than ever to raise a boy into an independent adult that can not only take care of himself, but can care for and about others around them. During the times we live in, It is also more important than ever that we take this job seriously and do the absolute best we can to shape these little people into great adults. I am far from an expert, but after raising two boys to the ages of six and four, I would love to share just a few of the tips I've found that have helped me considerably.
Things that my parents did that never worked
- My parents spanked me.
Its not something I've ever held against them, and in a few instances it may have corrected behaviors that otherwise might have gone unchecked. In the early 1980's spanking was normal in my midwestern upbringing. I knew more kids that got spanked than I did kids that were not spanked.
Here is my feeling on spanking....don't bother. I really gave it a go with my first boy. The results were less than stellar. It certainly didn't make me feel any better, and it only seemed to enrage him to a breaking point that neither of us could return from. I don't think the lesson I was trying to teach got through to him, and I ended up feeling terrible for hitting him, mostly because I'm a lot bigger and stronger.
- They really weren't there
My parents divorced when I was three. The next 5 to ten years of my life were spent bouncing between two poor households, both of which were trying to win my affection with material goods. This pushed all of us into individual corners and when I really needed two parents raising me, I had two adolescents fighting for my affection.
Two parent households are still the best situation for any boy to grow up in. This is not to say single parents can't or won't do a great job, but the task of raising kids is made much harder when there are not two adults in the picture.
Enough about my parents, here are a few of the things that my wife and I have had success with while raising our two boys.
Be goofy and playful
When kids come into your life, it's your chance to be a kid again for a while. It's time to take the reigns of childhood and size this opportunity to do the things you missed in your childhood. The games you never played, the songs you never sang, the mud puddles you never got to jump in and the frogs you never got to catch. The time to show your boys the simpler side of life is now, before the reality of adulthood sets in. None of these things need be expensive, which leads me to my next point.
Spend money on experiences not on material goods
There are so many places to see and things to do that will forever enrich the life of your child, and the world is a much smaller place than it was when I was a child. Modern technology has made exploration and travel cheaper and simple. Take advantage of this amazing time and show them wonders that you might have missed. Day trips while camping is a very simple and cheap way to get away without breaking your bank account. The natural world around us holds infinite wonders for boys to explore, and experiences are worth exponentially more than material goods.
make them responsible for their mistakes and let them fuck up
A letter from my son his mom
The only way kids ever learn is through experience. you can show them the same thing twenty times, but until they witness it firsthand, there is little chance they will retain the lesson. When your boys call another kid a nasty name, seeing that other child's face crinkle up into misery will teach them empathy. When they get beat in sports or get beat up in a minor fight, it teaches them humility, when they get scolded by another adult, it teaches them respect. Learning from mistakes can be an unforgiving teacher, but sometimes the best lessons are the hardest and most painful to learn.
My focus is on teaching boys to become descent men that respect others, and also love and respect themselves. I hope this gives expecting parents some insight on things that worked and things that didn't work for parenting boys in today's world.
I have six sons, and I don't know if I'll ever finish "raising" them--if I have much to do with that anyway--but I think every word here is spot on. I tried the spanking, too, and it got me nowhere. It made things worse, if anything. I did it with the first couple, and stopped after that.
One thing I wish I'd done better was let them screw things up. I used to get red-faced if they'd lose my tools, but now I'd gladly pay another fifty bucks or so to replace my screwdrivers as long as they'd keep using them to try making things. When they got mud from head to toe, I wish I'd just taken a picture of it instead of yelling. When they spread flour all over the kitchen, I wish I'd just eaten the rock-hard pancake and congratulated them for trying. Live and learn. I'm doing better with the younger kids.
And having a whale of a lot more fun, too. Great post.
Thanks for the kinds words. I really take comfort in your second paragraph, because sometimes I find myself frustrated with something they've done, and I find myself getting unnecessarily upset over something small. I'm flawed too, and I try hard not to be too hard on them for learning life through experiences, even though they fail hard sometimes, and it affects the rest of the family.
Parenting is the steepest learning curve, and also the most rewarding when you get it right.
Great post! Mine is about to be one year one the first. I can relate to the spanking as i never got spanked but my brother did. If you had to say ended worse it was him technically. I learned my lessons from watching. 😁 Now it is time to put my lessons and hopefully my little one will teach me some new things still.
it's cliche' to say so, but enjoy every second, because one day you wake up and he is 6, and you'll wonder what happened to all that time.