I have been thinking a bit more than I usually do before writing this post. The truth is that I haven't been able to find the words to say what I am about to share and do it justice. I've gone through the topic in my head quite a bit over the last couple of days and it in many ways reflects my journey and previous posts, but I feel that somehow a deeper understanding set in while I was on this trip that I just took. Without further ado, here is my mission update and some reflections from my recent trip, there will be more that focus on other things, but this is the one I feel is most important and relevant, it gives the other topics I have to go over much more context and clarity.
I have spent a lot of time and much of my writing exploring the concept of self, relationships, and limiting beliefs. I have done my best to share the process in it's entirety to take a person on the edge of mental and emotional collapse and rebuild my own understanding of life, love, and many other topics in efforts to help someone. What I got was a lot of self help, a sense of community, and a lot of understanding and new friends along my path of self discovery. I find it funny how much my perspective has shifted and expanded over the last few months and what better day than 7/7/17 to finally fully acknowledge it to the best of my ability.
I feel that my concept of everything has changed greatly from where I started. I fell in love with someone and it was that real love that makes us do "stupid things" like question our entire comprehension of reality and self, and while it broke who I was entirely and I feel like a different person in many respects, I am more grateful for that new comprehension of love than I have ever been for anything in my life. Love isn't a simple feeling, it's the basis of all of our positive emotional energy and I feel like it's what grounds us into a life of positivity as opposed to negativity based on fear.
I think I was having trouble letting go in some respects, even though I felt like I've let go of so much, but the simple truth that I've come to is that hope never has to die. Love doesn't work like that. Love isn't being hopelessly committed someone that isn't speaking to me, it's about being hopeless devoted to becoming the best person that I can possible be and my ability to share that with the world. I have had to accept many things, and the hardest is probably that regardless of whether or not I ever see or speak to her again, I don't need to, because whatever that relationship was, it was what I needed to change and I have.
The person I am now and the ability that I have developed to be able to find perfection and love in all of the challenges and difficult lessons the universe can throw at me to teach me things, well this person would look at who I used to be and who she was with compassion and say that we were both incredibly ignorant and well-meaning fools. I don't need to understand or speculate her side of things anymore, because I realize that people and things come into our life to teach us things and offer new experiences on the same energetic frequency that we are putting out.
I can't and don't want that old life back, so I have struggled with letting go of her, because I feel in some ways indebted for the lessons and understanding I gained, but the point is that she didn't give me that, I found it myself. We can't make another person our reason for change anymore than we could hope to change them into what we want. Love doesn't work like that, and while I can now realize that I have the ability to love who I choose to love and want what I choose to want, I don't owe anyone or anything to anyone. I am the source of my own reality, just as much as anyone else is the source of their own reality. If she ever comes back into my life it won't be what it was before and that is a good thing, because what it was before wasn't enough for me and it never could have been. I'm not sorry for wanting more out of life.
That being said, I find it interesting to consider all of the new possibilities for my own life. The best part is that when we are looking for our "forever" someone, it forces us to find ourselves and grow exponentially. I know who I am now and what I want more clearly than I ever have before, and while I can't ever know where that comes from or how it appears, I don't have to give up hope on anyone, because once again, love doesn't work like that. It isn't about possessiveness or control, it doesn't care if we understand it, and unconditional love isn't limited by our ability to embrace and share it, it's the basis of all creation and it isn't something we could ever hope to contain or control. Love is the cure for fear, and I'm no longer afraid of anything, especially not myself or love. Namaste.
Somehow, I felt myself speaking through your writing. I've spent years trying to let go of somone who had no right to continue being in my life anyway. Sometimes, love is letting go.
Another curious thing:
Don't take this as that I'm trying to promote my post, and in fact, don't read it if you don't want to, but... we both posted at almost the exact same time and used the word "clarity" in our titles. Hmm.
Synchronicity :P
I am just reading your replies and mine now, speaking to some of the same things here actually!
Great minds think alike! :)
You know, @barrydutton, I think you need to have a weekly Poetry Slam post.
Lots of others doing that stuff, I already have so many things I write on / series I do etc.
Plus some of them are my friends and I will not regularly write on things they do, it would appear like I am copying their content or stepping on their toes.
"I've come to is that hope never has to die. Love doesn't work like that. Love isn't being hopelessly committed someone that isn't speaking to me, it's about being hopeless devoted to becoming the best person that I can possible be and my ability to share that with the world."
You are correct sir, one who loses hope is in a bad situation. Your comment about love. ...Here's my persoective on that:
If you answered yes to any of those questions then you are engaged in some self loathing. These are things that I struggle with. Usually are deep rooted. But you can't really fully love and care for someone else if you don't love and care for yourself
Very true. I am certainly my own worst critic, but I don't criticize myself at all like I used to, getting rid of negative self talk was the first thing I had to figure out. Thanks for sharing!
To an extent being you own worst critic is okay because it means you strive to be better. It is all about that balance
As always insightful and generously sharing of yourself.
:) Thanks for the support! I used to worry about "oversharing," but I stopped caring about that when I stopped putting on masks. I don't feel the need to be or try to be anything other than who and what I am anymore. We are all just perpetual works in progress after all.
Drive by voting completed of all your posts, it would not let me vote for this, a few hours before payout but I am caught up:
I found this insightful and interesting, the last few days I am finding myself thinking of my Grade 9 GF named Nicole.
We have always had a strong (very strong) connection that neither of us can explain, her mom knows all about it and her dad just rolls his eyes at me, he is a typical dude LOL.
All the 7's in your post in the Christian realm point to 7 being the number of completion if people care about that stuff, I know where you are with this stuff but that also stuck out to me today.
I was so stoked about your trip and what you might find inside and outside along the way, maybe you were apprehensive about it, so I might have actually been the most excited person out of all of us you know incl. you for it!
(:
I don't really get anxiety anymore. It's odd, but after giving up the need to control anything and just starting to "accept things as they are," I don't ever feel like there is anything to be apprehensive about. I jut have faith that it's all working out as intended. :)
You are one of my best finds on this platform, and likely a pile of others feel the same too.
I am personally glad I know you.
BroHug
I try to do my best to explain this to everyone, and I certainly appreciate the kind words, but I feel like this community has been so supportive of me that I owe my best my self to everyone here. My whole mindset has changed and I'm just a different person than who I used to be in general and aside from a few bumps in the road... steemit has been the community that supported me through all of these changes. We all help each other A-Bro-ham.
Come and visit me and bring that drawl
LOL
If we time it right, we can head to one of the big Blockchain meetups in my province.