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I used to have a bad habit of berating myself over every small mistake I would make. I still have this problem sometimes, though meditation and mindfulness has helped me a lot in terms of being able to stop these festivals of self-hate before they get too serious.
We live in a society that encourages us to be the best. If you aren’t the best, then what are you? We are taught to strive for celebrity, to be the best. We are taught to believe that in order to reach our greatest potential, that is being the best at whatever it is that we want to do, we have to do it at the expense of others.
There is a better and more compassionate way to approach life. One that isn’t going to tear your spirit apart with the massive stress burden associated with trying to be the best at the expense of others and often times even yourself.
The truth is that I am often the hardest on myself when it comes to things that I already view as weaknesses. For example, I have a lot of trouble sometimes communicating with people face to face. I many times say really bizarre things. Once I gave a speech during a Model UN practice where I got so flustered I said that we should “ban land mines because they leave children blown up.” It wasn’t the articulate speech I had planned, but like most people, I do strange things under stress. I actually never participated in Model UN again. I was so humiliated at my performance. I beat myself up over it for weeks before I ultimately quit. I failed to realize that every time I got up in front of a crowd I would get a little better. Our mistakes and small failures are what help us grow.
More recently at work I made a mistake with a customer and they complained to my boss about me not being able to help them. I was mortified and frustrated because this was someone I assist at work at least once a week. I didn’t want to have to assist them again because I felt like I was going to make the same mistakes again. This time; however, I didn’t have the luxury of just quitting. I can’t quit my job just because I make a mistake and my job is going to be miserable if I am always concerned that I am going to make a mistake, or berating myself for the most recent screw up.
Instead of quitting my job, I have incorporated a sort of mindfulness practice. When I realize I’ve made a mistake, first I look and see what I can do to fix it. Sometimes this means I have to go for a walk or step away from it for a few minutes. It turns out my biggest mistakes tend to be those that come from me trying to rush through something too quickly. After the mistake has been resolved, I step back and try to see what I can learn from the experience, which usually starts with not being distracted, which in modern life can be very difficult. Then I let it go. When thoughts about the mistake try to creep in, particularly before bed, I can notice the thought, say I’ve already handled it, and try to be as unemotional about the returning thought as possible. I find that the less emotional credence I give to these passing thoughts, the less likely they are to come back to haunt me later.
As I get older, I have found that the constant anxiety caused by my desire to be perfect was something that I needed to let go of for my sanity. I am not perfect, and I probably never will be perfect. That lack of perfection does not mean that I cannot be kind to myself and give myself permission to make mistakes. People who never make mistakes, rarely accomplish much of note, so I am trying to give myself more and more space to make mistakes and not take failure personally. After all, my work is not what makes me valuable. My ability to love, be a friend, and show compassion is what I believe is the core of where I find my value as a person. These are things I can control, I cannot control the outcomes of my work, or if something I try is going to fail. All I can do is go big and know I did the best I could.