Continuously moving forward with a message of positivity and inspiration has been my attempt to get through my own negativity and for me it is no small feat to achieve. Having the insight to transform what I am feeling or thinking into something constructive has been a great tool to help me get through these last few month’s but it takes a lot of energy out of me, energy I do not really have to spare.
Where am I going with this?
I have been extremely focused on what I can do for others so much so that I have forgotten I need to help myself first to be able to help others and continue to bear the weight that these acts of kindness entail. I love the #OneLoveDTube community and everyone involved you all have become my second family and I really appreciate the support given, again I love the #OneLoveDTube community. Yet for someone to be able to help others they first must be in a good place, regrettably I am not, I have not been completely open about all that is going on with me and it has affected my ability to fill this role as community a leader. I hope you can understand this is not what I wanted, I hoped to uplift myself through uplifting others and it has been a great experience, know you all have helped me directly or indirectly simply by participating in the #OneLoveDTube community project.
The Nitty Gritty of @d00k13
If you have followed me at all then it is pretty obvious or atleast should be that I struggle sometimes for no apparent reason. Just this last week that struggle has reached a climax, a point of decision making, my work pulled me aside with complaints of my behaviour being unacceptable. I was not really aware till that moment how much everything has been weighing on me, sudden epiphany lets say, no I do not mean the #OneLoveDTube community but all the personal trauma’s I have endured in the past 3 years prior to finding my outlet on Steemit. Yes I will continue to Vlog & Blog and move forward with the #OneLoveDTube community but I also need to get myself the help I need to do so.
My work has shown a side that I did not know existed, compassion for someone in need, maybe I had just forgotten. In the meeting I had with them on Tuesday they offered to help me find the resources I need to get through my @d00k13, even offered to help pay for treatment which kind of blows my mind. I was pulled off shift to have this meeting and uhm I completely broke down infront of Kevin(HR) and Richard(Manager) but they were not surprised at all though I was. I have been burying my emotions for a long time but when I bury the negative I also bury some of the positive at the same time which leaves me in a bad state of mind. They allowed me to go home that day with one request of putting a list together so Kevin would be able to identify what he can help me with, as they said they “just want me good again”, then I was to start conversation with Kevin about what steps I need to make moving forward.
When I arrived to work Wednesday I was asked to talk with Kevin before I started work bringing him the list I had put together, again I completely broke down which from his responses he must have expected to some extent. I have admitted to them having suicidal thoughts and on Thursday last week I attempted to reach out through one of my fellow coworkers whom seems to care but I now know he’s not prepared to take on the challenges that my situation involves, not his responsibility anyways I suppose but it reinforced my own feelings of no body caring. Kevin cares though, it may be his job to but I honestly believe he cares for me aswell. Wednesday I did not even start work rather I ended up going to the hospital intending to seek help, find resources, start healing. I went through the process of speaking with the emergency doctor to only receive a number for a service that was already closed by the time I was out of the hospital which left me only with the crisis line. This was ultimately not helpful and left me feeling in a worse place then when I arrived.
I have been communicating with Kevin every step of the way, so when I left the hospital with no real progress being made he informed me that Richard did not expect me into work the next day either. At first I felt like I was being forced out of work but Kevin keeps reinforcing the fact the job is waiting for me whenever I choose to return, I am not being fired, they are willing to invest in me some time and money to see me get back to where I should be. I tried to relax the rest of that day and continue the pursuit of happiness the next day.
Thursday was an extremely exhausting day but I found a light in the darkness. I started the day off by continuing my tests, blood work and breathe test, then seeing the doctor at the walk in clinic. Afterwhich I started to call around and see if I could get in anywhere to see a professional. Six or so phone calls later and a lot of talking with Kevin about further resources I was finding nothing immediately available for me rather I was being told that since I am not a direct threat to myself or anyone else I would have to wait 6-8 weeks. I am a do it now kind of guy, if I wait that long I will have lost my nerve to continue facing this battle head on. By the 4th time explaining my situation in tears that day I was loosing hope and starting to think really irrationally such as “if I just lay in the road they will have to take me seriously” knowing from past experiences the only authority that will trump all others is the RCMP. I felt like the day was passing and nothing was progressing other then my own anxiety over the situation so when I drove past an establishment that I had yet to be referred to I decided “I am going to go in and sit down till they either see me or they have to call the RCMP to get me out of there” still kind of irrational but it was a lot better option then actually endangering my own life while still making the point I NEED HELP.
I was welcomed for the first time, it seem this is one of those times when fate happened to work out that I walked into one of the only places around which was walk-in oriented. Natasha the induction counseler saw me within minutes of my arrival though I did say to the receptionist that “I would not leave till being seen” not knowing they have a welcoming walk-in policy. So I let it all out, she was very kind and very insightful, suggested I take time away from work identifying one of my triggers is actually my place of work. She said it seems that my brain has linked the time of my trauma to the place I was when it all happened which sadly has always been work. Natasha also suggested I take time away from work so I can start addressing these issues, my only hesitation is that I cannot afford to be off work for any extended amount of time but I have taken her suggestion and rolled with it.
I went back to the clinic and Melissa the receptionist managed to squeeze me in at the end of the day, The doctor agreed to see me even though it was a second visit of the day and she would not be paid for her time with me. It was actually comical Melissa was down the hall just out of sight of other patients waving to get my attention and mouthed “get over here” waving me to the open room, I think she knew I was in a rough place having seen me everyday this last week. I asked about taking time off work, the doctor asked me in return how much time do I need? Again mind blown, it’s upto me? We decided to start with 2 weeks and hopefully I can start getting regular treatment before then but she also said that if not we could extend it pretty well as long as I need. This alone was a huge weight off my shoulders, till this point I was starting to fear going back to work that much more with the thought “work needs me good again” and I didn’t feel like I could promise that to any extent.
What All I Need to Get Through
- Trauma, from loss of loved ones and the responsibility I unjustly hold
- Depression, the thoughts of overwhelming negativity that seemingly trump all others
- Physical, dramatic weight loss over the last several months(reason for testing)
- Chiropractic, injured my shoulder which is still sore usually I would just work through it
As the clinic doctor’s look told me when wondering where to start “I am a mess”, I even said it to her and her smile agreed, she said the most concerning part is my mental state as my blood tests have all come back clean so far. Waiting till Monday to see her again with results of my last tests and a action plan for further testing I would imagine.
Two Weeks Off
I am not certain time off is right for me, what am I going to do with myself? I need to make sure I do not waist this opportunity certainly I know that! I suppose it is doctors orders yet I hate being unreliable for work, I need to be good again for my own sake. I will be spending a lot of time trying to link all the different resources I can together, I have already started the ball by walking into the first place but I am still on a waiting list to be taken on by a specific professional for a longer term treatment plan. This may possibly go down the pharmaceutical route but I have been clear from the start that is not my ideal plan but I don’t really have a plan so I’ll see what they have to say.
Intake Session
I am not certain how much I will disclose about all my sessions it is pretty private things to talk about, in previous I have tried to discuss these things in blog format even recorded a vlog or two trying to get some sort of message out to the world. Yet I now see that these are things I am doing just for me, basically their creation is what helps me and I am trying to share my therapy with others yet it really is only therapeutic if your living the events talked about. In other word the details I am trying to work through do not help any message I am trying to push. I will say this, Natasha at the counseling centre has enlightened me on a few things.
One, I should keep vlogging and blogging as long I find it a useful outlet. This has and I believe will continue to be a great tool for me to work through my thoughts as I have them. Putting the things I feel and think down for future review has been a great tool for reflection and realizing how often my mind will shift from positive to negative and back again. Identifying the problems is ultimately the first step to knowing a solution or developing a coping mechanism so my works will also possibly give something for the professionals to gain insight from.
Two, I need to make appropriate changes in my online activities possibly try focus less on meaning and a message move towards just having fun, my best vlog is my SkipTheDishes comedy skit. Also I need to refocus so I no longer feel I bear the weight of the #OneLoveDTube community. You guys are not a burden on me but I have not been utilizing the nature of a community, I cannot keep saying “we will get there together” if I do not allow “we” to strike a path together. This is no fault of anyone but my own, I have neglected to assign roles fallen behind on many different things while taking on so many projects I cannot focus on any single direction and continue creating a full vision of #OneLoveDTube. Don’t be surprised if I start reaching out more for help, contributions, advice and don’t be surprised if I start appointing people whom can fill roles of our community that are despritally needed such as @ambassador to which I have yet appoint anyone since our previous stepped down. I have big plans and I will need help to execute them!
Three, my Jerry is probably the most influential support tool I have readily available to me. Have you ever noticed how when your down or over excited your animal will feed off of your energy. Natasha suggested I research how to use Jerry as a therapy dog, activities that are particularity therapeutic. It is obvious to me now that had he been trained from the get go for therapy he would be a perfect fit, he is very keen on the goings on of people, very alert to emotional changes and will naturally try to console those suffering. Jerry connected very strongly with both Tristan and Ryan two of the people I have lost whom were suffering, it was always good to see them smile when Jerry would greet them. He does the same for me, never a dull moment with Jerry around so who knows maybe ill try include him more into my creative works.
Sounds Like a Sob Story
Just to be clear in no way am I asking for sympathy or forgiveness, I am however asking for understanding and Instruction. Understanding in the fact that I am not perfect. Understanding for not realizing earlier how to help others benefit most. Understanding that I realize I may have alienated many people along the way. Instruction in direction. Instruction in where to best apply myself. Instruction in future events so to not make any further mis steps.
Moving forward with my life there are going to be some things that need to change, all that will entail I am still uncertain myself. Will I go back to work? Will I be comfortable there? When? ..... I have a lot of things to ask myself but I know one thing for sure I need to be good again not just for work but for myself!
That’s it @d00k13 Out!!!
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Thank you @joyita very much appreciated!
Hey man, I understand you completely. Two months ago I had to emergency visit my family and stay there for three weeks, as two were not enough. Lost weight, my mind was a mess, it still kind of is... But I feel I got a grasp on it better.
What helped?: Family time and family food to regain weight. A new place where I was almost worry free. Meditation!, The Headspace app saved me, I highly recommend it. And of course, daily videos of me making music, as an output to my worst thoughts...
Really reach out to me over discord if you need.
Cheers man
@greencross
Thanks for the support, it’s to bad that so many of us struggle with life. Life is meant to be enjoyed I thought yet that requires a good head on your shoulders as I’m learning. Glad you were able to regain perspective, your family must be very supportive!
I will check out that headspace app for sure, also got a few mediation albums given to me so I think I’ll be set on that front.
I will definitely shoot you a message if I’m ever feeling the need to talk, I still find it easier to vlog or blog about it then actually speak to someone which is kind of odd since spoken word is fleeting but this post will stay forever. I will continue to create so no worries there it has been therapy just without the professional insights questioning my thoughts. My therapist actually wants to review my works, maybe gain further insight into the workings of my mind, I am complex as she said.
I'm really thankful for your reply. Yes I avoided therapists, I believe the answers are inside ourselves. When you train the mind, you master it. But it takes a lot of training and discipline. Check out that app, and if you like it , they gave me a code for 30 days free I can give to you. The free version is good, but I got hooked and paid for the monthly subscription (for one month only though... Cos had to cut spendings afterwards). And when I completed 30 days of meditation, they rewarded me with the free month code I didn't use. If you want the code let me know over discord.
My family is indeed supportive, but what really helped was to be in their sane environment. It's like an inherent energy that permeates you and re-aligns you. Even without talking.
I recently stumbled upon this video from a guy who says our minds are quantum computers and depression is a virus. It totally made sense to me since I've had this inexplicably since I was six. My life has been nothing but great and there is actually no reason why I should feel this way. So I strongly believe at some point of our lives this virus finds its wsy into our minds. There's more things to this, but if you want to hear about it, it requires that you leave any conventional approaches to medicine, since this would be labeled as woo woo stuff.
I'm glad to help man. l'm far from 100% healed but we will get there together. And by we, I mean all of us who are struggling with this issue.
Cheers
@greencross
Likewise, I know the answer is within myself yet I am needing help from people with more experience on this front then myself to help expose it, I have always just buried my emotions and moved on and that just isn't working for me any longer and this is my first time accepting professional help which so far is going quite well.
Family, I wish I hadn't pushed mine away so many years ago but I am not sure if they would be helpful either. Your very lucky to have the family you do as I would just be surrounding myself with more people that struggle on multiple levels of severity with from what I remember no understanding how to help each other.
I like the woo woo, I like conspiracy too, I dive deep into the questions that have no answers and subjects such as "The Mandela Effect". Actually that is how I found steemit in the first place, researching the satoshi conspiracy which lead me to steemit the only non mineable crypto. I cannot say I believe in them 100% but I do however think they give great insights into things that cannot be currently answered. I have compiled my own ideas of life, souls, and functions of the universe and even god through consuming content that most people would consider "crazy talk" but only taking the solid points that make sense and working them all together. I will do a vlog on it one day once I have it written out so I do not mess up the complexities.
Shoot me a link for that video when you get a chance, virus of the brain, that is right up my alley and possibly a subject for me to vlog about after I digest the information. Now you know why I call my vlogs the @d00k13 Digest ;)
I am downloading that app now, going to check it out tonight and I will let you know what I think.
we get there struggling together
Cheers man
I'll reach out in Discord with the link to that video later when I get home.
Take care!
Sounds good bro you aswell
D00k you are such a cool guy. I know things like this can be taxing. But you can always count that we got your back. I've been in a pressure scenerio before from work. It can do a number on your mental. Taking a couple weeks to reconnect and find balance sounds like a good option to take. One love
It’s good to know we have so many people willing to come to bat for me, gives me a good opportunity to assess a lot more than just my own state of mind. Thank you for the support and the kind words my friend, we will get there together!
Well done for reaching out and accepting help when you needed it most mate. That was an effort in itself.
My Dad suffered from depression and never sought to get help. My mother stopped him from ending his life virtually at the last minute. With her motivation he got help and is happily retired and living on the Australian coast today. If she hadn’t done that he wouldn’t be here today to see his grandkids grow up.
All the best with your healing. The Steemit community is here if you ever need our help.
Thank you @mazzle, it was a tough situation in the way I was forced to address myself yet I have been trying to embrace it with open arms! Reaching out is definitely the hardest part, and well, my ability to do so is still yet to become consistent but I keep forcing myself past those points of hesitation, Thanks again.
Sorry to hear that your father was struggling as well. This is not an easy obstical to overcome but I am glad your mother was able to save his life and help him get the much needed help! I bet you he is a very proud grandfather!
Stay Strong, Do What You Love, Keep it Real
#OneLoveDTube
You're making great progress mate. Keep it up.
My Dad is definitely the proud grandfather and has come a long way in recent years. :)
Hey, having been through depression and suicidal thoughts myself, I understand where you are. It can be very challenging and demoralising and overwhelming. Having people you can reach out to is a huge plus. Always remember to notice what's showing up and to be kind to yourself. I was not always kind to myself and fell into self harm for a time.
I hope you'll be able to find the clearing the way I have and feel empowered and self-love, the self-love you deserve to feel.
I want to share a link with you, it's a tap along with Brad Yates. For my CPTSD and anxiety, I do tapping therapy with a therapist, but these tap alongs are really great and helpful. This particular guy was recommended by my Tapping Therapist herself. In addition to everything else you're doing to overcome the trauma and heal your wounds, this could help. It certainly has been amazing for me, tapping. I'm allergic to medication so I've had to rely on alternative and natural methods and remedies. Maybe this can help you too.
Best of luck. We on Steemit are always here. A lot of us have been down that road, or a very similar road, that you're on and we understand.
Cool, Thank you for the link I will definitely check that out!
Glad you managed to find a light in your darkness, tough battle at times to not let the dark drowned out the light. I recently have been trying meditation, not fond of medications as I had a reaction in the past, it seems to help a fair bit trying to center myself before starting the day yet not a complete solution I don’t think. I may been meds but I will stay away from the anti depressants they are all wrong for me rather I would need a depressant I think, possibly just an anxiety medication. Sorry to hear your situation is complicated by allergies, I don’t think my reaction was allergic rather bad brain chemistry ending with fits of rage.
Self harm, they keep asking me about it! I find it kind of frustrating dealing with so many different people asking the same group of questions! Do you have a plan? Do you hurt yourself? Do you sabotage yourself? How well do you sleep? Do you eat normal meals? How often do you think of suicide? I am very analytical and my brain keeps telling me the hidden message, “they don’t think your that bad”. It seems as if our medical system is still outdated when it comes to the treatment of people still on the fringe of these questions and since I try my hardest to push these negative thoughts from my head my answers do not get taken seriously. Rather frustrating when asking about getting in to see a therapist and the only thing they are worried about is “are you a danger to yourself or others” and when I reply “no I don’t think so” I am met with the blanket response “our waiting list is xx weeks”. Makes me want to scream at them “you think in xx weeks I will be in the same situation I am now? By that time I will be broke and homeless”.... anyways enough complaining ill go check out that video ;)
Stay Strong, and be kind to yourself!
#OneLoveDTube
Yeah ;)
Those people think they'Re helping, and some of them have their hearts in the right place, but bless them, they don't know any better. A lot of the time I could not get help from certain places because I could not take their pills lol And the psychotherapist I had kept wanting me to talk about my problems, but I don't have a problem with talking, I can talk to a bunch of people about it, I needed something in the moment to help in the moment when I feel rage. EFT has helped a lot with that. I hope the video helps, and there are other people who do tapping too, if you relate better with someone else.
I also take Bach Flower Remedies, which can be combined with medication but some enhance the effects of meds, so some people need lower doses, so check with your doctor if necessary. I've been using Bach remedies since I was a kid and their very helpful too. I used to have a lot of scary thoughts as I call them, suicidal, violent, gory, thoughts. Cherry Plum helped with that. I know so many of them so well by now, when I refresh my dropper bottle, I just go through the kit I have and put in the remedies I feel I need at present. There are 38 remedies, plus Rescue remedy which is a mix. I typically put in 10 remedies in my dropper bottle. Mechtilde Scheffer has a bunch of books on that if ever you're interested.
Anyway, hope you can find the release you need for the healing you need :)
Talking, talking, and more talking... when do they give you an answer? Pretty well never and I feel for the most part that is the conclusion they want you to come up with on your own 🤦♂️
I once used the rescue remedy, I had long forgot about that thanks for the reminder! Being in a little better state now possibly the effects will be more substantial, back then I was a real mess, living in the darkness so to say.
So far I think vlogging and driving are my best forms of therapy. Editing the video allows me to reflect on the thoughts I was having and analyze my body language to know what I truly feel. Driving is and always will be my zen place, worst of traffic doesn’t get to me yet step out of the vehicle I’m back to spinning out of control.
I will figure something out, thanks for the kind words and reminder on the remedy.
Anytime ;)
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That is freaking cool!