Today I've attended a traditional engagement ceremomy.
It was a happy occasion with lots of friend and family attended, local wine known as bahar is served, is something that I was looking forward for, it has been a while I haven't had a taste of it.
On the way back, I had conversation with wifey on traditional engagement and wifey ask me again on my views of it.
You see, in a traditional kadazanDusun community, engagement is something that is observe with respect, negotiation happen with village head in presence.
This time around, I find it interesting that their adat required the father of the bride and the bride to stay in the room until it is finish. Different area apparently has different native ruling
What's on the table of negotiation include, how many water buffalo, size of land and amount to be paid by the groom , date of marriage and all cost involved for the wedding to be paid by the groom.
Sitting by the corner, I was like.. Holy cow. I guess I was lucky during my time.
You see. Me and @viverridae didn't had any of those engagement process.
When we were dating, I asked myself, can I imagine growing old with her. Right after I was able to visualize it, it became clear that I need to marry her so I told propose to her, she said yes and ask her to arrange a meet up with her dad as I want to discuss about it, that is after knowing her after a month or two
The day came, I went alone for the negotiation, unlike what happen today, the groom brought the whole family and it was a huge event.
Her father did asked me about being engaged first, but I decline and negotiated my way to get married immediately. Three month later seeing her walking on the aisle toward me was one of my happiest moment in life, that was 10 years ago.
So the conversation in the car today was about my views on engagement.
I told her that I honestly feel that engagement is a waste of time and emotion
It is as if you are not confident in the idea of being married, and I believe it is unfair to the lady, as you set expectation, reputation could be ruin if everything turn sour before the wedding date.
Anything can happen during engagement time. Engagement is like giving the man a handbrake, I honestly think that is ridiculous, a man need to be more responsible with their decision once it is made, so why give him an option to pull out after all the big occasion.
If I have a daughter, I want her boyfriend not to waste my daughter time, be real or get lost.
If little @matthewdoughty grows up, I hope he read this, as much as you need to treat a women with respect, treat her time with respect too.
Anyway, I am thankful that I got an understanding in laws, who put aside their cultural way (adat) and supported my ways to see us through to have a wonderful wedding and marriage life. Or perhaps, it was one of my best pitch in life during our negotiation time.
Of all the things Ive done, this must be one of those I am proud to got it right.
Anyway, the bahar today was good.
Why Am I Here
Daniel Doughty loves his community and ideas but hates writing. Steemit is a brilliant platform that would help him express his thoughts and helps him practise his writing, he hopes to get better at it.
He is now a self proclaim steemit evangelist and preacher , encouraging his community in Borneo to use steemit as a bridge to the outside world to build awareness, showcase talents and most importantly to create wealth for themselves.
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I haven't tasted Bahar for such a long time, maybe I will try and look for a bottle or two tomorrow.
I'm not in total agreement with your ideas about abolishing the ethnic ritual of getting engage before getting married. Tradition has to be maintained, but at the same time I agree, it need some re-adjustments. Engagement should be a short durations like 3 months than the normal durations of 1 year. If they planned to get married, they should seriously prepare earlier and got married soon after their engagement.
Abolishment is a strong word, I don't suggest it, its fine with people who wants to practice it. I guess it just not for me.
I did not believe in marriage as a pact, I would like to marry more to share my happiness with my family and friends than to commit myself to spend my life with my partner, I understand that there are customs that do not want to be lost through the years, but I am inclined to a commitment to myself that for a signed paper, let us join our souls with love and for love, congratulations for their 10 years of union.
@danieldoughty nice to hear to you in the TEH tarik. Well, this is a very subjective topic and every decision has its own rights, I guess
Wow, you personal story is so romantic
cheers for dropping by. yeah your right, it is subjective. cheers bro
Thanks for the response. Actually I have not digested your story.. let me do that tomorrow as I need to go to bed soon
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Buffalos and land - sounds like a very expensive affair. While i agree with you that engagements are unnecessary, i feel that upholding traditions and rituals are important too.
I agree with @beverlyjoe that the engagement should only Last a short duration, and i think you should only be engaged if you are very sure you are marrying tht person.
I personally did not go through engagement, not sure if there is one in my culture too. But i considered the day i accepted the proposal as the start of the engagement hehe.
True, that one way to think of it, once proposed , is the start of engagement.
Cheers for dropping your thoughts @ladylei
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For someone who hates writing, you write really well. So touching and thought provoking.
Thank you for sharing this piece @danieldoughty, and your community building efforts!
cheers @kchitrah
Totally support your thoughts and beliefs in this matter... Sometimes (I'm not saying always) an engagement is like a probation period... so if you don't like it, you can bail out! Might be a little crude putting it like that, but it's true! Bravo for sticking to your beliefs, cheers... and have a great week ahead, bro!
cheers @ackhoo
@danieldoughty terbaik la. You both are so sweet together ❤️ Touching and loving story
thanks deb. looking forward for you guys to visit us here again