It would be embarrassing to admit this to my hardcore followers and lurkers. Today I lost the kitty and ate the fish. And I'm having a real existential crisis over it.
Let me get to the heart of things. I didn't lose the kitty okay, I let it go. Or to be more precise, I returned it to the lady at the store who rescued it. Yes, you have all the right to judge me because what I did was a heinous crime. What an irresponsible and vile cat lover I am.
Yesterday, I announced that I had a new kitty and was excitedly setting up his possibly new home. I did write that. I still got to see if the black kitty was more diabolical than the mother. As it turned out, he was. Understandably, he was still feeling a little insecure after having been transferred from his comfort zone to my tiny hellish of a place. I was being cheeky, so I smuggled him into my apartment just to see if it would work out for both of us without driving the other humans crazy. It was way too much effort for me because driving people nuts is obviously my forte. So, I was up the whole night because he couldn't stop crying. And that's what babies do at night right? I mean it was okay, but I could not afford to have complaints and lose my home. I thought I underestimated the whole situation. Taking care of a kitty is a bigger responsibility that I overlooked, it requires patience and understanding. And my own home too.
I know I could spend more time with the kitty, loving it, and calling it my own. I could have had the opportunity of bringing up another living version of me. Believe it or not, I am capable of loving but maybe this is not the right time yet. I am literally in the middle of a financial, mental, spiritual, and emotional crisis right now and I feel like I'm just grabbing anything I can hold on to. To survive.
It sucks that I still don't have a proper place to have a pet. If you remember my cat Feliz, I miss him to this day. He left a big hole in my heart. So these days, I am probably just longing for a replacement. And I think I was trying hard enough to beat my isolation and angst against the humanity that surrounds. I thought that a partner in crime and a loyal ally could help alleviate the pain. I failed.
I failed to be a cat mom. I can't even imagine having kids, you know, real babies crying at night. Because if I don't like them, I can't just give them away, can I?
Seriously though, I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm acting on impulse lately which makes me think that it's a sign of some craziness left untreated.
Oh, I almost forgot, what about the fish? It was another heinous crime that I committed. For some reason, I mindlessly bought a big green fish at the market today. Not that it looked palatable enough, it just kinda reminded me of my adventures in the deep in the not so distant past. I finally woke up to my senses when I was about to fry the poor thing. This is one of those colorful species I see when I dive. Like I am a diver, I am not supposed to eat beautiful creatures. Oh what a waste of life.
Maybe I need to take my life seriously now because the outcome was rather unsightly. Fish cooked by someone apparently inexperienced with such things. Regardless, the diced tomatoes, finely chopped red onions, and salty sauce with a dash of lemon were expertly prepared the islander way. And everything made its way pleasurably into my mouth.
Then gone, all of it.
img src: @unsplash
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