I'm back after another week, I can't believe been writing here again, because every week everything becomes more hard than before but I think that is life purpose, try to think, how could be life without obtacles and why not mental problems?
It could be easy and boring so I think that it's the way it needs to be and I'm going to carry on, I have started too a new daily task, I don't know I have mention it but beside my writer project I'm a concept artist, I'm digital sculptor and I use some software to achieve that, and the name of the task is "speed sculp" so, for one hour and no more I just try to sculp or model anything from my imagination the most perfect possible, I have more than one month doing that, curiously it has been very productive and fun for me, because this idea has born thanks to my behavior of keeping my mind busy and it have worked very well and I'm going to keep it I think... Until I get a job, a full time job, because it will be perfect, I think that a full time job will keep my mind more busy than normal.
This week is a kind of the same of the past two weeks that I have started these blog entries, but the difference right now is that I have become more productive and less destructive (hey! That will be a good "sticky slogan" for some kind of commercial about "depression") and that is helping me a lot more than ever.
I'm trying to understand since I was a little kid about the meaning of the word "parallel" I'm not going to put any concept description from Wikipedia or kind of, I rather to put in this space what I think about "parallel" word, but in under a timeline way I'm going to explain why I think about it, here I go.
Since I was a little kid maybe 7 years old I remember to heard the word "parallel" from the TV because a journalist was talking about it and some economic topic that for sure I was not aware at that age, I was more aware understanding why I was born with the ability to talk Spanish (sounds weird) but I was very impressed why everyone around me was able to talk the same language and to emit the same sounds and comprehend each others, bit that is not my point here.
In this timeline I remember to have 14 years and listen to the parallel word from a teacher talking about universe concepts and philosophies related to the universes life and creation, in that moment I realized that the parallel concept is not related only to the economic topic, because the concept of parallel retain a theory that, out there is another object or subject running the same timeline as you or as one object of this reality but in differents States of the matter and a different universe.
I was very confused for sure you my imaginary reader are confused to as me in that era of my life(I need to see a sign that there is someone out there reading this so I can believe in a real reader, for that reason I said "imaginary reader") well I just went to my home that day to digest those concepts, even I was thinking "am I the only one who is thinking about this too?" because all my class partners doesn't care in that moment, they where more occupied saying jokes and interrupting the class, but I was very interested in the topic, in that moment I was starting to explore the music genres from I listen today everyday with no rest (I'm not going to say 24/7 because it would be very overreacted from my part) and starting to listening all the bands that I listen today, that mixed with the parallel theory was the perfect mix to push me onto the writing thing.
When I was 20 years old was the moment when I just fulfilled my knowledge about the parallel thing, it just opened a whole world for me, even in the novel that I'm writing have a little thing about my parallel vision, but actually the parallel concept has become more part of my depression problem, because I feel how my mind yield onto the charge, I mean how my outside show to others that I am ok that I don't have problems but inside me there is a completely storm dragging all onto a void that never ends.
I have just realized that I'm running my own parallel thing, showing to others that I'm ok even giving them a smile and following the current, but my inner "me" is grounded, sad and very nostalgic about everything that is happening in my life know related to the economic topic, but this blog is not about a "fund rising" for that reason I'm not going to give more details about that, for sure I have economic problems like any other person will have right now, even worse or better than me but I doesn't care about that, I'm here to speak out to help me myself and to help others going in that way.
I'm back, I know, this episode have took me more days than usual, but I have been very busy improving my conceptualist skills, and it have helped me a lot to keep my mind busy, These last month, I have met a good friend online and he told me "Have a good free-depression day" seriously been writing, listening to music to heal my spirit and keeping my hands designing and sculpting, have helped me a lot to maintain a Free-Depression Day, so, thanks to you my friend, I hope you can read this episode too.
Returning to the thing that we keep inside parallel feelings, parallel systems to live, to show our best from the outside, but knowing that inside were just falling apart, I have found a quiet good but no complete solution to that, because in some point we need to download that parallel universe inside us, that dark universe needs to go out from ourselves, sooner or late we need to show the way to that dark universe, filled with our most dark feelings and stored pains, and yes I have found the solution, through writing, I have amazing and lovely people around me, but the main problem of having depression and anxiety, is that your mind tells you that you don't need to talk to your beloved ones.
"Don't bother them" says my mind, "they don't have to carry your burdens too" we are soo weary, I feel weary every night just at the end of the day, some ones find the solution talking to strangers online, other listening to music, and others just keep those weary things all of their life, I'm tired of keeping it inside, I'm going to made a scape plan here.
This could be a really short episode, nothing has happened in my mind, nothing new, I have been very busy too moving out to another new place, I'm not the type of person who have a lot of material things, but moving out takes time even if you don't have a lot of stuff to carry with you, it's funny because, moving out to another place for the most of people will be a really stressful task, but for me have been the perfect excuse to put mi mind in a very busy state getting everything ready, I have arrive to an empty place but I'm going to fill it with dreams and good feelings to overcome this situation soon, hard work always deserve a good reward at the end and I'm chasing it, not to demonstrate to others what I'm capable to do but just to demonstrate to myself what I'm capable to do and how much can I keep my dreams alive living with parallels universe inside me.
Keeping the dark inside, is the way how life show you where is the light, you are not alone, anyone is alone here but death is the only thing that have the task to show you that you are alone, and death is right, because you take all that way alone because death have his own parallel universe inside us, fearing death is the way that life shows you how to love what you have here, even if you think that your life is unworthy there is value in everything you do.
UPDATE
I have been completly busy, I have started a new stage of my life, a new way to keep me always busy and it's a year challenge of concept art, I mean, I'm going to do everyday a piece of artwork for one year, so, that will keep me more busy than normal, I have two short stories too waiting for me, but been an adult is not so easy to handle, I trust in my self to find the time to keep writing because I love it very much.
Because waiting for a job is not the best option to wait an external help to keep me busy, for that reason I have created this "job" for me and why not, I want to improve my artistic skills, well, graphic artistic skills.
To keep my topic about the parallel universes inside us, I think this:
When did it all fall apart when did we get wrong together, when did that parallel universe started to exist inside us?
Those question still keeping me wandering.
Rest Assure.
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