Monday
7pm
shower time.
cold water turned on. waiting. it's temperamental.
a minute later, it kicks in
now for the hot water.
in I get.
I crouch down. arms around the knees
in a crouched fetal position.
I don't know if I can continue.
the facade is cracking.
the pretending I am fine is fading.
I just want to cry.
but I don't have the energy to.
the words of a friend pass through my mind again.
they hit close to home. I know how they feel
'I can't even do depression right it seems.'
it's a feeling I know all too well.
the thing my friends who aren't depressed say to me the most
'get over it' and 'its all in your head'
'harden the fk up' but they are just words.
they don't know what its like to have to muster the desire to get out of bed each day.
they don't know what its like, to head down to the waterfront of an afternoon, and look out into those waters
and wonder
to just wonder, that, if I walked into those waters, and just drifted out to sea
would anyone notice?
would anyone care?
I know for some this may come across as melodramatic.
as 'being the victim'
but before mum passed, I always had this depression.
the thing that stopped me was in the back of my head
'its not worth people suffering, for life, for your moment of weakness'
but now she's gone.
and that voice that told me to stay strong
it doesn't speak so loud anymore.
I'm sure I'm not alone in this feeling.
in fact, a quick google search will show you that 1 in 4 people suffer from depression.
that's some pretty staggering odds.
I'm on a bus right now, and there are 3 people plus the driver.
I am that 1 in 4.
by the time i get to my destination,
40 minutes from now,
4 Australians will have lost their battle against the voices in their heads.
the voices that tell them stupid shit.
that they are worthless.
that no one cares.
these are the voices the kids in the playground used to use on them
because they were born to poor parents, that couldn't afford the basic necessities in life.
not even that.
because they didn't have the newest Nike Air's or Reebok pumps.
but you know what? we DO care.
we care because we have been that kid.
we care because money can't buy what we have. money cant buy respect.
so the next time you see someone being spoken to in a poor manner
do something about it. because you never know.
that person might go home and make an attempt on their own life.
worst still, they may succeed.
i feel i should end this by apologising about how dark this post is.
i am struggling at the moment.
this time 2 years ago, i was meant to be spending time with my mum for her 54th birthday.
instead, i was spending it, holding her hand, as she took her final breathes.
it was hard, but i think it would have been harder to not be there.
image courtesy of pixabay
thanks for reading. this was quite hard to write, but it needed to be said.
Hey brother, I can say I know what you are feeling.
When I found myself contemplating why I am here on this earth and how I can set myself free.
The voice of God spoke to my heart and told me
Then about that same time a best friend of mine killed himself over a girl he loved that rejected him.
My family was devastated my mother, dad , and my sisters. We all loved him and even as I write this I wonder what I could have done to give him another choice.
He was a great guy, but in that moment of weakness he made that choice and killed himself in his bedroom. Left his family to clean up the mess, the blood that gives us life was splattered all over his bedroom. Fragments of his skull were embedded into the sheet rock. That family has never recovered from that.
I say my friend that we must live for others. If we live for ourselves we don't have much reason to carry on. So love and love more keep loving don't let circumstances rob you of your love.
I have not had those feelings in a very long time. I have filled my life with love and thoughts of those I love. We keep it strong with forgiveness and humility. I never say I am sorry, if I have wronged someone I ask for forgiveness. Its healing, cleansing it works to keep love alive.
You must find something to love more than yourself. Then you have a reason to live that is not dependent on your personal performance, but on how much you love.
'oh, Are you having a hard time? how can I help?'
my new year's resolution this year was actually 'it's my turn now. do it for me'
and then the stuff in March happened, where a 'friend' bailed on me, owing 6 weeks rent. so that's why I been down more than usual. as I am expected to repay the money that I was left in debt with.
needless to say,
oh snap.. ty @curie . you have given me the desire to go on. in hindsight, i kind of wish id have spent time formatting it a little better, but alas, this is just raw dunstuff. its not about looking pretty to me, its about the info i want to share.
raw is good. well done!
ironically, there was just an article on the news about it - pointing here https://www.lifeinmindaustralia.com.au/
This touched me.
Love and Light
thankyou. im glad i have reached at least one person. it was easy to write, but it was a hard thing to actually post it.
I see, hard to post,
but to you we all will toast!
Its necessary.
By your bravery
even more than one in four,
Could be helped to see.
that moment the pony does his best post ever and you feel so proud of your friend!
sending all the hugs i can give
from the simpsons, where the dde checks into rehab - 'and thats just page 1 of my 10 age confession'
well we are here to read all 10 pages dont be afraid to keep sharing your thoughts and feelings if it helps is better to let it out than to keep it within, also those who said
dont really get it how it works and you shouldnt listen to them!
i think this is the most honest, sincere and bravest post you have ever written. it comes from the heart and connects to an infinite number of other hears wandering lost. hugs
that was the hope.
I agree with yo 100% on this, Torico.
Hard things to write down and put in a post, but there are a lot of us who have felt like this at one time. And for a lot of us, it's always in the background, waiting to sneak up on us again.
Absurd amounts of love, being sent your way. All the love. Tons of love.
Absurd amounts of
Love, being sent your way. All
The love. Tons of love.
- sunravelme
I'm a bot. I detect haiku.
Even I agree completely.
All I can say is I hear you... and hold on and be strong. I am so glad curie came along and 'found' you. If not, there those of us who are here for you, always and any time. Hugggsss always...
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Standing ovations because you wrote from your heart, because you were brave, and because we are here for you in the good the bad and the indifferent. This is how you slowly stop surviving and start living.
someones having a steak this week :D
wow, just saying those words makes me drool a little
@dunstuff depression is hard, but pretending to be normal is what we do all the time and it makes us insane every time. I am really grateful to all those 266 people becuz they have a feeling of belongingness, I can't share your emotion because it's you who is going through all of this ,mate i could feel it ,then your concern for the poor kids and unfortunate ones who gets ready to end their life because they think death is a solution . I happened to talk one of the unfortunate last year and I am proud that I could save him. Anyways, Lots of love to you.
Hash-tag
Talking about it and being real with people helps. Much love to ya.
thanks clay. means a lot
The struggle is real. I know just how you feel and “normal” friends tell me something similar and it’s rough to act like it’s meaningful ... carry on the best we can
for as long as i can remember ive been the type that thinks 'one day im going to change the world'
and fora long time i was getting dissheartened because i thiought it was going to be something big, quickly.
wasnt till last year or so that i realised, each person i come in contact with, i effect them in one way or another.
it's really good to feel the impact you have on others, I think essential to happiness. I am glad you came to realize such an important thing. Being something big should never be a forgotten dream, and I hope your dreams come true for you and if you believe they will ...than there is a good chance.
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Hi, I am a Christian that is filled with the SPIRIT of GOD so I try to live my life in a diffrent manner, and from time to time the monster of depression would come after me. Sure I got tired of running from it, but more over I thought that it was pittyful that 'depression' was chasing a Child of GOD. So I did the thing that runners are not supposed to do...I looked back at it, and depression is just misguided anger. So you should know that something happened, and now you are blaming yourself for it. Aside from the fact that it is proably not your fault (so why punish yourself) Bitterness will work and help put you in the ground. People misunderstand forgiveness. If someone comes after me with a knife, I will forgive them, But that does not mean that I will quickly trust them. When I forgive someone, I am declaring that I am turning them over to JESUS and JESUS will be responsible for collecting on the debts...and not me.
The approaite form of revenge, is a life well lived. I am a Royal Ranger (like Boy Scouts in a church) And I was taught that there are 4 ways that a boy (or person) grows. They are mentaly, physicaly, spiritualy, and socialy. You said that your 'new year's resolution this year was actually 'it's my turn now. do it for me'' Let me tell you about a naturally occurring drug called 'endorphins' When you excercise endorphins are released in your head...and certain things are put into perspective. A 20 min. workout on a total gym (https://www.walmart.com/ip/Total-Gym-1400-Total-Home-Gym-with-Workout-DVD/23816097?wmlspartner=wmtlabs&adid=22222222222017545287&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=o&wl2=c&wl3=10375020033&wl4=pla-1105723735302&wl12=23816097_0&wl14=total%20gym&veh=sem&msclkid=63b92517f5dc1463d5317e46c929466e) Mental growth is fun, and I enjoy growing spiritualy...I see people at the gym with there headphones on and they are passing up many oppertunities to advance themselves in social growth. A person can get so busy with doing stuff for other people that they forget about paying attention to the people around them.
yeah, if I had $350 for a home gym, I wouldn't be struggling financially. feel free to read through some of my other posts. especially this one
https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/just-a-heads-up-about-the-ammount-of-output-ill-be-putting-up
Thank you for taking the time to write back to me! Concerning the financial struggle, I would recommend going through a course called financial peace university with Dave Ramsey. The church that I am currently attending re-taught the information in a Sunday-school type structor. I think that many financial problems can be reduced through gaining Wisdom and insight. A line that Dave said that I appreciate is 'I used to think that I could out earn my ignorance'.
Concerning your sometimes busy schedual (as pointed out in the article https://steemit.com/life/@dunstuff/just-a-heads-up-about-the-ammount-of-output-ill-be-putting-up) I am trying to go through a book concerning time managment and the author points out that a person can be busy and not be very effective. Pretend that there is a door that is held open by a stick, and 100 bad guys are rushing through that door. You could either try to shoot every person that comes through the door or you can take aim and shoot the stick that is proping the door open. Benjamin Franklin said that 'an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.' (that means that the sooner that you deal with a problem then the less hard it will proably be.)
that course costs $129 US
are you for real bro? stop trying to sell me shit.
Actually I specifically said where you could possibly receive help for free, it sounds to me like you are insisting on reaming trapped and saying how bad you got it
maybe, or maybe i clicked the link and it said PAY NOW!!!
That sounds pushy to me...I did not intend on linking you up with pushy people, so sorry about that. However the teachings are important because it speaks about Biblical principals of how to not spend all of your money :)
Not sure I know what it's like to be depressed, but I sure know what it's like to question your place in the universe and to feel so very small. Thanks for your bravery in sharing this.
Didn't know that you are a poet as well.
in the words of stewie griffin on the family guy cast video 'i like words, i like what you can do with words. i like what words can do to each other'
cued it up to the stewie bit. makes me laugh every time :P
I'm just going to say this once. There are times in our lives when we feel vulnerable to weakness, grief, sadness and pain. For some, those times are infinite.Please know that no bad experience lasts forever, unless you supply the stem for the emotion to manifest.
Everyday in our lives, we are faced with 2 choices: acceptance of love, and acceptance of hate. When depression takes hold, it's not due to the sufferer hating themselves, but because the person feels weak and sees that as a bad thing. It is not. Without weakness, you cannot have strength, and without sadness, you cannot have happiness. So as long as you remember that everything in life balances out and there is a reason and lesson in the event to be learnt, all experiences are valid and important.
You have control over what you allow to affect yourself & your life, and also have control over which of these things you allow to cease or continue. There is nothing wrong in asking for direction. Everything in life has a time and a place, embrace it and feel it, then let it go. There is always a way for love to come into your life, if you look for it, there is magic everywhere, and there will always be someone or something that will help to remind you it exists.