You know the old saying your mum used to trot out when you came home from school, miserable, because somebody had said something mean?
“Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never harm you.”
Well, it’s a lie. I felt it when I was seven. I feel it at fifty-seven. It’s one of the reasons I shy away from confrontation and conflict. Words cut to the quick. My brain freezes and I retreat. People who retreat and don’t fight back are often described as spineless. I suspect that’s how some people view me. That’s their prerogative.
However, it’s not their prerogative to suggest that I have neither emotion nor compassion. On the contrary. I feel things deeply. I hurt easily. Empathy and compassion often get me into arguments. Because I always try to see the other view. And will say so. To the point that it might appear that I am defending the indefensible. I will, however, agree to differ. I will also walk away from an argument when someone is not willing to concede (not necessarily agree) that there is another perspective.
Although I often rant, I am slow to real, personal rage. There are only three occasions when I have either literally seen red or lost my temper. Once, when I was thirteen and I threw a bottle of shampoo at a wall. The second and third times were sixteen and twenty years later – at my ex.
I am now angry and sad.
Late last year, I woke to discover that I no longer had access to the Powerhouse Creatives and SteemSA discords. In the latter, I was a moderator. I had no idea why I had been booted. I reached out to the founder only to find myself blocked: on Discord, on WhatsApp, and unfriended on Facebeook. I was not blocked on Telegram, where my message was read, but there was no response.
In subsequent days a few people reached out to suggest that mean things were being said on other social media and that they were aimed at me. I had not seen the posts. Call me stupid, but I really am not good at barbs or innuendo, especially if I haven’t been clued in. Perhaps, in my naiveté, I was prepared to give the benefit of the doubt. However, having reached out and been rebuffed and blocked, I remained in the dark as to what had actually precipitated excommunication.
I was hurt and confused. This is someone whom I held in high regard and for whom I had enormous respect. A personal friend.
Anyhow, there comes a time when it’s clear that one has to quietly close the door and walk away to deal with the hurt and confusion. Yes, I’m repeating myself, but that’s how I felt. Hurt and confused. That did not stop me caring, so when tragedy struck, I did what I believe was the right and compassionate thing to do: I extended condolences.
I am glad that I did. And I am sad that I did. It unleashed a torrent and through that torrent I discovered my “sin”: participating in a fun competition on the blockchain which had emerged from her own group. When the competition “hived off” (pardon the pun) and went independent, I had no idea why. The team behind it knew of my loyalties and, like me, are not in the business of public laundry, so although they said there was a back story, did not elucidate. That is their prerogative.
What, however, has precipitated my writing this is that nobody can tell me, presume to know, how I really feel nor what I think. Nobody can see inside my head. Most of the time, and to my detriment, I wear my heart on my sleeve. So to suggest that I would go back on anything I’ve said in the past, in previous posts in my gratitude for her bringing me to, and supporting me on, the blockchain, is someone who does not know me at all.
Those words may have been deleted from the post, but they and some others, like sticks and stones, have done indelible harm.
I retract nothing I have said about @jaynie in previous posts. I continue to be grateful for the support I received, and for the beautiful design work she has done for me over the years. I will continue saying so.
I wish Jayne healing as she grieves. I wish nothing but the best for her and her family.
Until next time, be well
Fiona
The Sandbag House
McGregor, South Africa
Post Script
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Words escaped me, Fiona. But know that even online friends, are real people, are genuine too. Can last long time as well, and who knows, can meet and greet in real life too. I am here for you, only an IG away.
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Fiona, I can imagine how difficult that was for you to write. What I can't imagine is what my life would've been like over the past few years without you in it. Please know that I'm here for you, and thank you for being my friend. ❤️
You are a true person. To still go over after what has happened and pay your respects and then even after the reply you got, you didn't trash/bash her and still extend your condolences. In cases like this I see people act out of anger more and lack respect completely. You are strong in that way, which is why you have people respect you so much. Some people just can't deal with this kind of truth. I can't speak for them, and I see it as their loss and our gain.
I hope you can heal from this in good time, I know how you are feeling and it isn't lovely.
That was a tough read and I'm really sorry for what has happened, what's been said to you and about you without you realising. It definitely wasn't in anyone's intention to cause ANY rift, let alone the unwarranted torrent you've received but like @traciyork, @foxyspirit and @plantstoplanks have implied, our doors are always open for you and stay true to yourself, the comments here are a testiment to your friendship 🙂
Hey Fiona
I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are one classy lady. Whether it be your blockbuster posts, your impressively hectic lifestyle or any direct correspondence that we have had, you maintain that class. I have always found you engaging, interesting, generous, supportive and caring. I am proud to call you a friend.
Stay true and keep being you.
Gaz
Can I just ditto what @traciyork said? Seriously though, for all the distance and all the craziness in the world right now, it is a comfort to know I have an apron waiting for me in a kitchen where I have no doubt I would feel right at home. I've been around long enough to know that sometimes friendships do run their course or are only there for a season, but I'm also old enough to know to not take the gift of a true friend lightly. 💚